Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.
- Woody Allen
Taught, Makes, Too, Kissinger
I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
- Woody Allen
Horse, Call, Would, Beating
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
- Woody Allen
Enough, Want, Astounded, Chinatown
Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
- Woody Allen
Why, Days, Say, Numbered
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
- Woody Allen
Death, Insurance, Ever, Salesman
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
- Woody Allen
Try, Sunday, Only, Plumber
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
- Woody Allen
Dream, Nothing, Exists, What If
I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
- Woody Allen
Bad, Over, Once, Reflexes
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
- Woody Allen
Love, Sex, Pretty, As Far As
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
- Woody Allen
Luck, Getting, Instance, Last Night
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
- Woody Allen
Happen, Fine, Eternal, Nothingness
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
- Woody Allen
Year, Over, Very, Billion Dollars
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
- Woody Allen
Funny, I Am, Although, Underwear
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
- Woody Allen
Bad, Hours, Seemed, Bad Ones
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
- Woody Allen
Date, Saturday, Bisexuality, Doubles
In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
- Woody Allen
Television, Away, Beverly, Hills
Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.
- Woody Allen
Life, Success, Seventy, Showing Up
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
- Woody Allen
Success, Success Is, Eighty, Showing Up
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
- Woody Allen
Want, Tell, Plans, Laugh
He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.
- Woody Allen
Suicide, Next, Tried, Armenian
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
- Woody Allen
Proud, Very, Sold, Deathbed
Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.
- Woody Allen
Potatoes, Like, Rather, Dessert
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
- Woody Allen
Food, Does, Frequently, Beverage
I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!
- Woody Allen
New, Idea, Had, Triangle
It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
- Woody Allen
Death, Impossible, Still, Objectively
When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
- Woody Allen
Guilty, Steal, Softball, Base
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
- Woody Allen
Marriage, Wife, She, Boats
Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.
- Woody Allen
Words, Some, Hit, Fender
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
- Woody Allen
Russia, Took, Read, Twenty
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
- Woody Allen
Nothing, What If, Definitely, Case
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
- Woody Allen
Government, Unfortunately, I Believe
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
- Woody Allen
Sleep, Get, Calf, Together
If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.
- Woody Allen
Movies, Doing, Films, Profit
Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.
- Woody Allen
Cook, TV, Bothers, Dinners
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
- Woody Allen
Education, Teacher, Attended, Terrible
The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.
- Woody Allen
Small, Here, Too, Terrible
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
- Woody Allen
Action, Room, Snapped, Kidnapped
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .
- Woody Allen
Death, Side, Few Things, Plus
I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
- Woody Allen
Me, Think, Teddy, Crib
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
- Woody Allen
God, Opposition, Loyal, Atheist
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
- Woody Allen
Funny, Chess, Failed, Height
The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.
- Woody Allen
Happy, Talent, Appreciating, Liking
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
- Woody Allen
Give, Some, Making, Give Me
Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
- Woody Allen
Time, Rest, Most, Fun
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
- Woody Allen
Education, More, His, Bankruptcy
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
- Woody Allen
Food, Will, Wounded, Oysters
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
- Woody Allen
Art, Television, Bad, Imitate
Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.
- Woody Allen
Mind, More, His, Parts
In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.
- Woody Allen
Away, Shows, TV, TV Shows
Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.
- Woody Allen
Achieving, Will, Move, Move On
Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
- Woody Allen
Dying, Things, Few Things, Lying
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
- Woody Allen
Die, Want, Afraid, Happens
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
- Woody Allen
Death, I Am, Afraid, Happens
I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
- Woody Allen
Death, Die, Afraid, Happens
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
- Woody Allen
Thankful, I Am, Nose, Laughter
I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
- Woody Allen
Look, Never, Been, Intellectual
If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
- Woody Allen
Failure, Doing, Very, Innovative
Tradition is the illusion of permanance.
- Woody Allen
Illusion, Tradition
As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
- Woody Allen
Nature, Tree, Figure, Poet
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
- Woody Allen
Money, Better, Reasons, Poverty
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
- Woody Allen
Life, Miserable, Horrible, Divided
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
- Woody Allen
Suffering, Over, Too, Full
I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
- Woody Allen
Practice, My Own, Lot, Lover
I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
- Woody Allen
Love, Over, Either, Smallpox
I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.
- Woody Allen
Humor, Think, Being Funny, Choice
If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
- Woody Allen
Movies, More, Films, Job
In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
- Woody Allen
Wife, Decision, Boss, Maker
Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.
- Woody Allen
Think, Idea, I Think, Notion
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
- Woody Allen
Wife, Place, Pedestal
I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.
- Woody Allen
Want, Her, Really, Wife
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
- Woody Allen
Funny, I Am, Someone, Am
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
- Woody Allen
Death, Dying, Through, Immortality
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
- Woody Allen
Want, Give, Things, Hundred
I am two with nature.
- Woody Allen
I Am, Two, Am, Nature
Marriage is the death of hope.
- Woody Allen
Hope, Death, Marriage
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