Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.
- W. C. Fields
Small, Always, Furthermore, Snake
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
- W. C. Fields
You, Call, Answer
Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
- W. C. Fields
Travel, Nothing, Africa, Forgot
Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.
- W. C. Fields
Nerves, Another, Set, Bartender
It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
- W. C. Fields
Money, Allow, His, Sucker
Never give a sucker an even break.
- W. C. Fields
Never, Give, Even, Sucker
I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
- W. C. Fields
Think, Sunday, I Think, Philadelphia
Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.
- W. C. Fields
Week, Last, Closed, Philadelphia
Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.
- W. C. Fields
Living, Here, Would, Philadelphia
I'd like to see Paris before I die... Philadelphia will do.
- W. C. Fields
Die, Paris, See, Philadelphia
Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.
- W. C. Fields
Want, Own, Like, Elephants
If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.
- W. C. Fields
Funny, My Life, Over, Saloon
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
- W. C. Fields
Woman, Rest, Standard, Impress
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
- W. C. Fields
Horse, Sense, Which, Betting
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.
- W. C. Fields
Success, Again, If At First, No Point
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
- W. C. Fields
Women, Question, Degree, Women Are
The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
- W. C. Fields
Pet, Breath, Eats, Holes
Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
- W. C. Fields
Lunch, Some, Took, Cork
There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.
- W. C. Fields
Ahead, Get, Ways, Liquor
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
- W. C. Fields
Food, Once, Forced, Prohibition
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
- W. C. Fields
Feet, Like, Having, Butler
Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.
- W. C. Fields
Fish, Remember, Downstream, Upstream
There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
- W. C. Fields
Face, Take, Tail, Affairs
I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
- W. C. Fields
See, Like, Which, Handy
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
- W. C. Fields
See, Always, Which, Handy
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
- W. C. Fields
You, Bull, Them, Brilliance
The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
- W. C. Fields
Living, Cost, Another, Quart
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
- W. C. Fields
Funny, Add, Even, Wine
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
- W. C. Fields
Money, Nothing, Poor, Poor Man
Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
- W. C. Fields
Woman, Yard, Still, Outdoors
Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.
- W. C. Fields
Actor, Show, Actress, Lousy
Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?
- W. C. Fields
Death, Cold, Thy, Sting
I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
- W. C. Fields
Never, Always, Anyone, Vote
Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.
- W. C. Fields
Politics, Never, Always, Vote
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
- W. C. Fields
I Am, Expert, Applied, Occupied
Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.
- W. C. Fields
Say, Easy, Drinking, Thousand Times
Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.
- W. C. Fields
Never, Over, Been, Spilt
It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.
- W. C. Fields
Woman, Never, Her, Courtesy
Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.
- W. C. Fields
Head, Favorable, Both, Pocket
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
- W. C. Fields
Sleep, Get, Lot, Insomnia
The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
- W. C. Fields
Over, Popcorn, Pancakes, Met
I never met a kid I liked.
- W. C. Fields
Never, Kid, Liked, Met
You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
- W. C. Fields
Trust, Straight, Even, Crooked
I like children - fried.
- W. C. Fields
Funny, Children, Like, Fried
I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.
- W. C. Fields
Water, Never, Drink, Pipes
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
- W. C. Fields
Woman, Her, Even, Decency
I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.
- W. C. Fields
Never, Will, Afraid, Become
I drink therefore I am.
- W. C. Fields
I Am, Drink, Am, Therefore
I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.
- W. C. Fields
Worry, New Year's, Never, Driven
Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.
- W. C. Fields
Children, Again, Ever, Neither
When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
- W. C. Fields
Hope, Death, Including, Disgrace
I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.
- W. C. Fields
Love, One Thing, Drove, Blonde
All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.
- W. C. Fields
Men, Most, Were, Bearded
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
- W. C. Fields
Better, Some, Like, Exactly
Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
- W. C. Fields
Worry, Will, Last, Heart
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
- W. C. Fields
I Am, Equality, Everyone, Prejudices
Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.
- W. C. Fields
Children, Bad, Anyone, Hates
I must have a drink of breakfast.
- W. C. Fields
Drink, Must, Breakfast
The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
- W. C. Fields
World, Lucky, Getting, Dangerous
Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.
- W. C. Fields
Experience, Sleep, Most, Drink
If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.
- W. C. Fields
Behind, Will, Far, Prosperity
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
- W. C. Fields
Humor, Every Day, Over, Every
I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.
- W. C. Fields
Here, Get, Ever, Flies
On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia.
- W. C. Fields
Rather, Whole
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