Ron White Quotes

A killer Cuban restaurant with a giant cigar bar. Have me a Cuban sandwich. That's just like heaven to me. I'm a simple man.

- Ron White

Simple, Restaurant, Like, Sandwich

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

- Ron White

Funny, Given, I Believe That, Lemonade

There are two kinds of comics; there are the ones who build bridges, and then there are the people who walk across the bridges as though they built them. The bridge builders are few and far between.

- Ron White

Builders, Though, Built, Bridges

I would have rather been beat by a plumber than Kathy Griffin.

- Ron White

Been, Griffin, Would, Plumber

I'd rather do a really good small part than a really bad big part.

- Ron White

Small, Big, Big Part, Small Part

I write these shows one joke at a time. There's no continuity. I do try to figure an order to the stories, but there's not continuity.

- Ron White

Stories, I Write, Figure, Continuity

I could do no wrong in my mother's eyes from the day I was born. My fans bought her a very nice house in San Antonio, and she has a great life.

- Ron White

Could, Very, San, San Antonio

Ultimately I'm the writer for me, but also, anytime one of my friends gets stuck with a bit, they can call me, and I'm pretty good at helping them get there.

- Ron White

Pretty, Helping, Pretty Good, Anytime

If I'm in a town for very long, usually I'll work out in the comedy club just to keep my chops or work out the beats on new stuff.

- Ron White

New, Town, Very, Chops

The next time you have a thought... let it go.

- Ron White

Funny, Thought, Next, Next Time

When I was a kid, mostly I played in a ditch that didn't have much water in it. It was for drainage purposes. There was not a lot trouble to get into in that ditch. It was ditch activities like catching crawdads and minnows.

- Ron White

Like, Catching, Mostly, Purposes

The way my brain processes information is quite odd. I mean, I have Attention Deficit Disorder and another learning disability I can't even spell. I don't even have a high school diploma. I'm smart, but you can't prove it on paper.

- Ron White

Disability, Prove, Another, Diploma

The only way to stay sharp is to do live shows. There is no part-time comedy.

- Ron White

Comedy, Only, Shows, Sharp

My uncle was a preacher, and I used to go watch him preach. He was also funny, so I'm very 'preacher-ish' on stage, not by intent but because that's where I learned to talk in front of people.

- Ron White

Uncle, Used, Very, Intent

My brain is like a cross between a colander and a Lazy Susan - thin, slow, and it leaks.

- Ron White

Slow, Like, Leaks, Susan

I started selling out comedy clubs before I got to town with no advertising. I was selling out theaters just on the rumor that I was going to be there.

- Ron White

Going, Town, Before, Theaters

There have been times in my life that I've had a ton of vices, and my demons have run amok for years and years and years.

- Ron White

My Life, Been, Had, Vices

If I sit down to write a joke about, whatever, the polluted Gulf of Mexico, it comes out mundane to me.

- Ron White

Down, Joke, About, Gulf

I really understood a lot more about comedy after listening to Bill Hicks, who died at 32 years old. He's probably the best comedian who ever lived. Although you can't say that because of Carlin, Cosby and Pryor.

- Ron White

About, Carlin, Pryor, Understood

You can tell on-stage when a joke's starting to lose its pop. It doesn't mean people don't want to hear it anymore; it means I don't want to do it anymore. Because I want to move on to something that has a knee-jerk reaction just like you get when you tell somebody a joke that they've never heard.

- Ron White

Tell, Anymore, Pop, Mean People

It went from Bob Newhart to Flip Wilson to Bill Cosby to Richard Pryor to George Carlin to Cheech and Chong. I had all these records.

- Ron White

Richard, Carlin, Pryor, Cosby

If you look at the common denominator of all the comics who have had big success, it's being true to their nature... that's what takes a long time to learn.

- Ron White

Nature, Learn, Big, Common Denominator

I just try to keep it fresh without sacrificing funny.

- Ron White

Try, Fresh, Keep, Sacrificing

I get e-mail from all over the world, and from lawyers and doctors and whoever - plumbers and drywall hangers.

- Ron White

World, Lawyers, Over, E-Mail

I love Cincinnati, but you can keep that spaghetti chili product!

- Ron White

Love, Product, Chili, Cincinnati

My life has been wild enough to derive all of the stories you need out of it. I've been through many, many years of behavioral problems, so I don't really look outside for stories.

- Ron White

My Life, Through, Been, Derive

I pretty much give both barrels every time I walk on stage.

- Ron White

Give, Stage, Pretty, Every Time

There were years when I was a beer and tequila guy, then I got real fat. And then I found that you could actually go on a diet and drink scotch. Then I got hooked on scotch, and if you get hooked on scotch, then everything else just tastes wrong.

- Ron White

Guy, Hooked, Tastes, Everything Else

I'm not the judge of who that is, but I am a believer that no debt in the universe goes unpaid. If you try to buy early, you'll pay late.

- Ron White

Goes, Pay, Buy, Unpaid

My shows are not all-the-way filthy, but they can be.

- Ron White

Shows, Filthy

I don't like to do burnt material on stage. Even though my crowd loves to hear me do old stuff, I don't like to do old stuff. So I do very, very little of it.

- Ron White

Like, Very, Though, Burnt

Donald Trump - and I don't dislike Donald one single bit - has no idea how good the Mexican people are at building tunnels.

- Ron White

Dislike, Trump, Donald, None

I'm not willing to drag my fans down a road I don't believe in. That's just my one little principle. I've only got one, and that's it.

- Ron White

Believe, Principle, Willing, Drag

You know, my first album, some of those jokes I'd done for twelve years because I couldn't throw 'em out.

- Ron White

Done, Some, Album, Jokes

I was desperate for new material, so anything I can write a joke about that works is in the act. No matter who it offends, or who it bothers - doesn't matter if its something my wife hates.

- Ron White

New, Desperate, Works, New Material

The first thing I ever got my hands on was Andy Griffith's 'What It Was, Was Football.' I was fascinated with the fact that every syllable made it funny, and I would laugh even though I didn't know what any of it meant.

- Ron White

Hands, Fact, Fascinated, Syllable

I've gathered some of my close musical and comedian friends, and we're going to see if we can't bring a few laughs to these soldiers, raise some money, and hopefully lift their spirits. I consider it an honor and a privilege to give back however I can for the many sacrifices of these incredibly brave men and women.

- Ron White

Honor, Some, However, Lift

My only goal is to make you laugh, not tell you the truth.

- Ron White

Truth, Goal, Tell, Laugh

I was so in love with the idea of making people laugh for a living that I didn't care what I had to do to get there. Or how much money I was going to make when I did get there.

- Ron White

Love, Living, Making, Laugh

You can teach somebody how to be a brain surgeon, but you cannot teach them how to walk on a stage and make people laugh.

- Ron White

Teach, Surgeon, Them, Laugh

I still love to walk on stage and make people laugh, and I work very, very hard at it, and I take it seriously.

- Ron White

Love, Very, Still, Laugh

A lot of people can find something to laugh at in my humor, I guess.

- Ron White

Humor, Lot, Guess, Laugh

When I was 20, I used to go around telling stories, and I knew where I was comfortable - onstage, talking, making 'em laugh and listen to the weirdest things. I liked being the center of attention.

- Ron White

Making, Stories, Telling, Laugh

If I'm not in the theatre, I'm in an open mic night or doing a guest set at the Comedy Club, or whatever, just trying to develop stuff.

- Ron White

Doing, Set, Mic, Comedy Club

My biggest pet peeve, I guess, is other comedians criticizing Larry the Cable Guy.

- Ron White

Comedians, Other, Biggest, Larry

That's the beauty of being a straight-to-DVD star. It really helps you stay under the media's radar.

- Ron White

Beauty, Star, Being, Radar

All I know how to do is take what's on my mind and spit it out funny. I don't know what else I could do besides comedy.

- Ron White

Mind, Comedy, Could, Besides

I don't do talk shows or go on Dr. Phil's show. He's a friend of mine, and, no, he doesn't give me any advice. He doesn't give solicited advice.

- Ron White

Advice, Give, Mine, Talk Shows

The bulk of my fans are my age, and I'm aging at the same rate they are. That makes me relevant. They like hearing what I have to say. I work hard at it, but it's addicting, really.

- Ron White

Work, Work Hard, Like, Aging

There's no idea or concept in comedy you could do that hasn't been attacked from some angle. But if you start leaving punchlines out so you'll look cool, I don't get that. But I don't watch standup anyway, so I don't know what they're doing.

- Ron White

Doing, Some, Been, Angle

As long as I stay engaged with everybody else, then I'll create more comedy. It's just when I shut off and stay at home... What helps me is just to keep moving.

- Ron White

Shut, Everybody, Engaged, Helps

I don't live under the illusion we don't need a military to protect this country.

- Ron White

Military, Country, Need, Protect

Movies are boring. It's like watching paint dry. I did a little role in a movie, and it was eight lines. I was there for three days. It's just horrible. Television is 15 hour days. Movies are 18 hour days. And it's 18 hours of doing not a thing.

- Ron White

Doing, Movie, Role, Lines

When I was about 12 years old back in Houston, my Dad used to take us to the driving range.

- Ron White

Old, About, Dad, Houston

I always wanted to be a popular comedian.

- Ron White

Always, Comedian, Wanted, Popular

I was by far the least popular of the Blue Collar crew when we started. There was a definite pecking order, and everybody knew it.

- Ron White

Everybody, Collar, Definite, Popular

Somebody the other day had a review, called me 'America's reprobate.' And I don't even know what that means, but I kinda like the way it sounds.

- Ron White

Other, Like, Means, Review

Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty... mine's putting in an express lane.

- Ron White

Death Penalty, Other, Mine, Lane

People, when they go on stage, tend to be animated and try to force things out instead of relaxing and bringing it in.

- Ron White

Go, Relaxing, Instead, Animated

My opening acts are always really strong because I need a guy who can take on a big, big crowd. Which is not that easy to do.

- Ron White

Big, Always, Which, Opening

There's no backlog of people we can fire for no reason and act as if they don't exist.

- Ron White

Reason, Act, Exist, No Reason

I don't think we have a surplus of fine educators in this country that we can just start dropping them for no reason whatsoever.

- Ron White

Think, Country, Whatsoever, No Reason

I'm definitely guilty of thinking something is funny but thinking the audience won't. Then three years later I will finally try it and it'll kill them. I got to give them more credit.

- Ron White

Give, Audience, Will, Credit

There's not a pill you can take; there's not a class you can go to. Stupid is forever.

- Ron White

Stupid, Go, Take, Class

There have been times when I played more than others, but I've been a road comic for a quarter of a century, so I've always played golf on the road because you have a lot of time to kill.

- Ron White

More, Always, Been, Quarter

I always found that the closer I got to who I really am, on stage, the more they responded to it.

- Ron White

Stage, Always, Found, Closer

People are saying that I'm an alcoholic, and that's not true, because I only drink when I work, and I'm a workaholic.

- Ron White

Work, People, Drink, Workaholic

But I work harder now because I have so much more exposure. And actually the harder you work as a writer, the better you get at it. It's like anything else. It's a muscle you have to exercise. I write more now than ever.

- Ron White

Exercise, Anything, I Write, Harder

I go to more open mic nights than open mikers.

- Ron White

More, Than, Mic, Nights

I believe that a bad Super Bowl halftime show is still better than a soccer game.

- Ron White

Soccer, Game, Still, Halftime

All of my comedian friends are some of the best joke writers in the world.

- Ron White

World, Some, Comedian, Joke

There's no such thing as a hit joke.

- Ron White

Hit, Thing, Joke

Everybody I know is a joke writer.

- Ron White

Know, Writer, Everybody, Joke

I don't know who in my family thinks very fast at all, including me. The things that people see me do onstage are written, so it doesn't have to be very quick if you have all day with a pen.

- Ron White

See, Quick, Very, Pen

I was always a funny guy. I don't think anybody that makes it to this level of stand-up wasn't a funny guy when they were young.

- Ron White

Think, Always, Level, Funny Guy

I was a huge fan of comedy when I was a child.

- Ron White

Comedy, Fan, Huge, Huge Fan

Don't bring your kids to my show, and I won't come to your house and cuss.

- Ron White

Bring, Show, Come, Cuss

It never dawned on me that I had the option of becoming a comedian. I come from a little dirt street town in northwest Texas, and they really don't talk about the arts there much on career day.

- Ron White

Career, Becoming, Dawned, Option

I've got a role in the new Billy Bob Thornton movie that Billy Bob wrote and is going to direct called 'Jayne Mansfield's Car.' I only have four scenes, but I have as much dialogue as anybody in the movie.

- Ron White

New, Role, Billy, Scenes

I guarantee there's people who watch television who have no idea how complicated it is to make a television show.

- Ron White

Television, Idea, Show, No Idea

I don't like to do material people have heard. Now, they like to hear material that they know, because that's the stuff that made me famous, and, unfortunately, I don't do a ton of it.

- Ron White

Famous, Like, Made, Unfortunately

Vegas is famous for a lot of things, and bad marriages are one of them. Margo and I are proof that you can make this work. It just takes a little effort.

- Ron White

Famous, Vegas, Bad, Proof

My goal is just to become a better comedian.

- Ron White

Goal, Better, Just, Comedian

I was considered by my peers to be a good comedian. So that's all I ever strived to do was get some recognition from my peers.

- Ron White

Some, Peers, Considered, Comedian

I begged the universe to make me a famous comedian, and it did. So I tend not to ask for any more.

- Ron White

Famous, More, Any, Comedian

TV is a hard job. You work 15 hours a day. People tell you what to do. I hate to do it.

- Ron White

Work, Hours, TV, Hard Job

I've asked these guys in rock bands with all the 18-wheelers driving to the venue how they make money. I just don't understand it. But I don't understand a lot of things.

- Ron White

Understand, Venue, Bands, Guys

If you watch the 'Blue Collar Comedy Tour,' don't expect that when you come see me by myself, 'cause it's a little rougher.

- Ron White

Myself, Comedy, Collar, Tour

Here's how I operate. When I see something I like, 20 years later, I ask her brother for her phone number. She don't even see me coming.

- Ron White

Here, Like, I See, Operate

I don't have a specific plan except for as long as people want to listen to me talk, I'm going to keep talking. I can't imagine a life without doing standup.

- Ron White

Doing, Going, Imagine, Standup

I was talking to a guy who was holding his 18-month-old daughter with the only limb he had left, and he had a smile on his face. I thought, 'I'm not even a 10th of this man.'

- Ron White

Thought, Guy, Limb, Daughter

We always go out looking for live music after our shows.

- Ron White

Music, Always, Shows, Live Music

Any time someone achieves success before they've earned it, it always comes back to haunt them.

- Ron White

Always, Before, Haunt, Achieves

Let's face it: a lot of my material comes from the stuff that happens to me on the road.

- Ron White

Face, Lot, Material, Happens

I was a little one-trick pony. I do what I've always done. That's really where my best stuff comes from. I don't know how it happens. It just happens.

- Ron White

Best, Done, Always, Happens

You wanna get the truth out of me, get me hammered.

- Ron White

Truth, Get, Hammered, Wanna

I believe everything creative is somewhat collaborative.

- Ron White

Believe, Somewhat, Collaborative

I believe everything creative is somewhat collaborative. If you're a painter and someone stretches your canvas, it was collaborative on some level.

- Ron White

Some, Canvas, Level, Collaborative

Diamonds - that'll shut her up... for a minute!

- Ron White

Diamonds, Her, Shut, Minute

Mother, she likes the blue material just fine.

- Ron White

Mother, Blue, She, Likes

I loved listening to laughter even as a little kid.

- Ron White

Listening, Loved, Little Kid, Laughter

Think of The Rontourage as the Ron White Channel, where you can see us getting into trouble in all kinds of different places.

- Ron White

Think, Different Places, Trouble

I've been married a few times. I'm not good at it.

- Ron White

Been, Few, Times, Married

Comedy is great because there's no overhead.

- Ron White

Great, Comedy, Because, Overhead

The hardest that I've laughed at a movie was probably Team America. I laughed 'til I thought I was just gonna throw up. I almost had to turn it off.

- Ron White

Thought, Movie, Almost, Throw

Anything I write that I consider stage-quality work, I won't give my TV show. I put it in my live show.

- Ron White

Give, TV, I Write, Consider

I've never been one to look up the ladder. I've always looked down the ladder. As long as there's one guy down there, I'm fine.

- Ron White

Always, Been, Looked, Ladder

I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.

- Ron White

Silent, Had, Remain, Ability

I have a very fun life. I don't recommend it for anybody else, but it sure has been fun for me.

- Ron White

Been, Sure, Very, Anybody Else

You can't fix stupid.

- Ron White

Stupid, You, Fix

My favorite bands are the Allman Brothers and Red Hot Chili Peppers.

- Ron White

Red, Chili, Brothers, Peppers

The only thing I really worry about is my live stand-up show because I have to answer to the fans.

- Ron White

Worry, The Only Thing, About, Answer

Comedy is all about the pause.

- Ron White

Comedy, About, Pause

People used to say I'm regional, but I'm not... We all have the same human condition.

- Ron White

Condition, Same, Regional, Human Condition

Pace, rhythm and timing. Pace, rhythm and timing is what it's about. The content's got to be great, but then it's got to be delivered. It's a tricky thing to do, and it takes a lot of work.

- Ron White

Work, Timing, Pace, Tricky

I want my fans to feel like we're always in touch. Because without 'em, I wouldn't be able to do any of this.

- Ron White

Want, Always, Like, Fans

The Majestic Theatre in San Antone is as good as it gets.

- Ron White

Good, Theatre, Majestic, San

I do live like a rock star, but it's not as great as it sounds. It's a lot of traveling.

- Ron White

Rock, Rock Star, Lot, Sounds

I was a comedy fan when I was a little kid.

- Ron White

Comedy, Kid, Little Kid, Fan

I've been offered starring roles in horrible movies, but I just didn't want to do it. I don't see why you would.

- Ron White

Want, Been, Roles, Offered

I've got a great cigar collection - it's actually not a collection, because that would imply I wasn't going to smoke every last one of 'em.

- Ron White

Smoke, Going, Last, Imply

I don't do any corporate work.

- Ron White

Work, Any, Corporate

I don't watch Comedy Central. I don't enjoy it.

- Ron White

Enjoy, Comedy, Watch, Central

I'm set up where I make a lot of money doing stand-up, and it's easy.

- Ron White

Doing, Set, Lot, Stand-Up

If I see someone out there mouthing the words to a bit, I'm not having fun.

- Ron White

Words, Having, Bit, I See

I think honest communication, no matter where it comes from, is positive for a relationship.

- Ron White

Think, I Think, Where, Honest

I go through about 140 cities a year.

- Ron White

Go, Year, Through, Cities

I do a lot of gay-friendly stuff in my show, and men, women, they all love it. I practice non-judgment in my daily life and hope other people do the same thing.

- Ron White

Love, Practice, Daily Life, Daily

I think the world has their own good, clean, Christian comedy. They don't need my help.

- Ron White

Think, Need, I Think, Comedy

Anybody could say anything they want about me, and it literally never penetrates my skin.

- Ron White

Never, Could, Anybody, Literally

I write all of my material. It's all me.

- Ron White

Me, Write, I Write, Material

I didn't get where I am today by worryin' about how I'd feel tomorrow.

- Ron White

Wisdom, Feel, About, Tomorrow

As a small child, I could watch anything happen and tell a story, and it was funny.

- Ron White

Small, Watch, Happen, Small Child

If you become famous and don't have a live show to back it up, they're not going to pay you any money.

- Ron White

Back, Going, Show, Famous

My show is more storytelling now than it's ever been. It's what I'm good at.

- Ron White

More, Been, Ever, Storytelling

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