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Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

Powerful Rodney Dangerfield for Daily Growth

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

- Rodney Dangerfield

Too Much, Last, Had, Last Time

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

- Rodney Dangerfield

Men, Most, Things, Wages

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

- Rodney Dangerfield

Yellow, Going, Wear, Brown

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

- Rodney Dangerfield

Me, Year, Birth Control, Asked

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

- Rodney Dangerfield

Blind, Kid, Woke, Pimples

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

- Rodney Dangerfield

Me, Ugly, Yeah, Bartender

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

- Rodney Dangerfield

Wife, Two, Then, Bartender

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

- Rodney Dangerfield

Me, Looking, Like, Halloween

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

- Rodney Dangerfield

Mother, Medical, Doctor, Slapped

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

- Rodney Dangerfield

Funny, Found, Looked, Sap

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

- Rodney Dangerfield

Morning, Could, Put, Guys

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

- Rodney Dangerfield

Some, Another, Felt, Cement

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

- Rodney Dangerfield

Toys, Could, Were, Bath

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

- Rodney Dangerfield

Wife, Bee, Kid, Butcher

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

- Rodney Dangerfield

Saved, Last, Controlled, Last Night

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.

- Rodney Dangerfield

Wife, Cook, Throat, Stuck

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

- Rodney Dangerfield

Marriage, Wife, Glass, Kisses

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

- Rodney Dangerfield

Birthday, Wife, Woman, No Respect

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

- Rodney Dangerfield

Luck, Running, Would, No Respect

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

- Rodney Dangerfield

Mirror, My Life, Over, Kitchen Table

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

- Rodney Dangerfield

Wife, Door, Other, Coming Home

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

- Rodney Dangerfield

Pet, Bone, His, Arm

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

- Rodney Dangerfield

Going, Drinking, Viagra, Prune

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.

- Rodney Dangerfield

Emotions, Delicate, Very, Mask

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't.

- Rodney Dangerfield

Hope, Seventy, Still, Twenty

My cousin's gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

- Rodney Dangerfield

London, Big, Find, Cousin

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

- Rodney Dangerfield

Doing, Separate, Rooms, Apart

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

- Rodney Dangerfield

Wife, Goes, Other, Every Night

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

- Rodney Dangerfield

Funny, Look, Hang, Thin

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

- Rodney Dangerfield

I Remember, More, Finger, Kidnapped

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