Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.
- Robert Orben
Society, Cards, Rather, Simpler
Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
- Robert Orben
Funny, Need, Get, Older People
Telling a joke is risk taking. Younger people are more insecure and not willing to put themselves on the line, so a quick one-liner is much safer.
- Robert Orben
Younger, Quick, Telling, Insecure
Planned obsolescence is not really a new concept. God used it with people.
- Robert Orben
New, Planned, Concept, Obsolescence
A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.
- Robert Orben
Graduation, Students, Key
Time flies. It's up to you to be the navigator.
- Robert Orben
Time, Time Flies, Flies, Navigator
I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.
- Robert Orben
Like, Valentine's Day, Which, Valentine
There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
- Robert Orben
Pollution, Air, Our, Lungs
A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.
- Robert Orben
Nothing, All Day, Having, Vacation
Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.
- Robert Orben
Always, Been, United States, Illegal Aliens
I remember when humor was gentle pokes. I used to call it 'arm around the shoulder' humor. Now they go for the jugular and they take no prisoners. It's mean, mean stuff.
- Robert Orben
I Remember, Remember When, Arm
Happiness is a very small desk and a very big wastebasket.
- Robert Orben
Small, Big, Very, Wastebasket
Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
- Robert Orben
Work, Morning, Through, Richest
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
- Robert Orben
Work, Business, Through, Richest
In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh.
- Robert Orben
Mankind, Crisis, Offers, Laugh
If you can laugh together, you can work together.
- Robert Orben
Work, You, Work Together, Laugh
Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!
- Robert Orben
Love, Turn, Tell, Lights
President Ford used humor a great deal.
- Robert Orben
Humor, Deal, Ford, Great Deal
Inflation is the crabgrass in your savings.
- Robert Orben
Inflation, Your, Savings
With my luck, if I ever invested in General Motors, they'd bust it to Corporal!
- Robert Orben
Luck, General, Ever, Invested
What bothers me about TV is that it tends to take our minds off our minds.
- Robert Orben
Minds, TV, Take, Tends
More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems: back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.
- Robert Orben
More, Before, Auto, Problems
Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.
- Robert Orben
Parenting, Never, Leaves, Hand
Every speaker has a mouth; An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it's filled with wisdom. Sometimes it's filled with feet.
- Robert Orben
Feet, Mouth, Arrangement, Neat
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.
- Robert Orben
Like, Most, Would, Temptation
Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral.
- Robert Orben
Deep, Some, Smaller, Neutral
The chance to be seen as a warm, witty guy is too good an opportunity for a politician to miss.
- Robert Orben
Chance, Warm, Too, Witty
Spring is God's way of saying, 'One more time!'
- Robert Orben
Time, Spring, More, Saying
Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.
- Robert Orben
Government, Know, Which, Politicians
Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?
- Robert Orben
Politics, Reason, Feeling, Polls
There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.
- Robert Orben
Days, Keep, Up, Losers
Inflation is bringing us true democracy. For the first time in history, luxuries and necessities are selling at the same price.
- Robert Orben
History, Necessities, Luxuries
I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.
- Robert Orben
Parenting, Always, Take, Everywhere
To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
- Robert Orben
Computers, Computer, Err, Blame
Do your kids a favor - don't have any.
- Robert Orben
Your, Any, Kids, Favor
Quit worrying about your health. It will go away.
- Robert Orben
Health, Away, Go Away, Worrying
The secret of writing comedy is to know where it's all going, then get ahead of it.
- Robert Orben
Comedy, Ahead, Going, The Secret Of
Humor starts like a wildfire, but then continues on, smoldering, smoldering for years.
- Robert Orben
Humor, Like, Wildfire, Starts
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