Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
- Phyllis Diller
New, Cab, Been, Argument
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
- Phyllis Diller
Funny, Eat, Get, Best Way
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
- Phyllis Diller
Dealing, Set, Rant, Cry
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
- Phyllis Diller
Beauty, Like, May, Eyesight
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
- Phyllis Diller
Milk, Three, Hours, Asked
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
- Phyllis Diller
Play, Reason, Wear, Play Football
There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
- Phyllis Diller
Ghetto, Bank, Show, Scenic
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
- Phyllis Diller
Through, Liver, Gloves, Spots
My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
- Phyllis Diller
Father, Me, Call, Hyena
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
- Phyllis Diller
Funny, Got, Gin, Accidentally
You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
- Phyllis Diller
Know, Old, Your, Walker
You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
- Phyllis Diller
Old, Alligator, Someone, Barefoot
A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
- Phyllis Diller
Song, Bad, Singers, Applause
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
- Phyllis Diller
Teacher, Next, Telling, Sit
My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.
- Phyllis Diller
My Life, Own, My Own, Laugh
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
- Phyllis Diller
Reason, Your, Pro, Laughing
The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.
- Phyllis Diller
Reason, Real, Your, Laughing
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
- Phyllis Diller
Wedding, Died, Our, Licking
Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
- Phyllis Diller
Aim, High, Aim High, Shoot
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
- Phyllis Diller
Thought, Bad, Thanksgiving, Commemorate
The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.
- Phyllis Diller
Career, Audience, Last, Hello
It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
- Phyllis Diller
Deep, Core, A Good Thing, Rotten
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
- Phyllis Diller
Parenting, Some, Away, Parents
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
- Phyllis Diller
Once, Asked, His, None
My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
- Phyllis Diller
Justice, Me, Like, Photographs
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
- Phyllis Diller
Admit, Away, Lives, Forty
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
- Phyllis Diller
Like, Looked, Were, Millionaire
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
- Phyllis Diller
Finest, His, Half, Minute
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
- Phyllis Diller
Christmas, Next, Like, Parties
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
- Phyllis Diller
Cleaning, Like, Still, Snowing
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
- Phyllis Diller
Behind, Years, Ironing, Eighteen
I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
- Phyllis Diller
Yard, Buried, Lot, Ironing
I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
- Phyllis Diller
Better, More, Wanted, Instinctively
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
- Phyllis Diller
Men, Mistake, Never, Bachelor
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
- Phyllis Diller
Pain, Knee, Beneath, Mother-In-Law
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
- Phyllis Diller
Words, Been, Couple, Asked
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
- Phyllis Diller
Home, Rest, Always, Be Nice
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
- Phyllis Diller
Work, Children, Away, Bottle
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
- Phyllis Diller
Anger, Never, Bed, Stay
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
- Phyllis Diller
Funny, Chance, Take, Take A Chance
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
- Phyllis Diller
Funny, Afford, Move, Children
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
- Phyllis Diller
Know, Old, Your, Type
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
- Phyllis Diller
Smile, Straight, Sets, Curve
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