Paul Merton Quotes

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About Paul Merton

Paul Christopher Merton, born on February 17, 1957, in Enfield, London, is a British comedian, actor, writer, and television presenter who has made significant contributions to the world of entertainment through his wit, intelligence, and unique humor. Raised by his Irish Catholic parents, Merton attended St Edmund's College, Ware, where he discovered his love for acting and performing. After a brief stint at the Central School of Speech and Drama, he became involved with London's alternative comedy scene in the 1980s, working alongside comedians like Eddie Izzard, Hugh Laurie, and Tony Slattery. In 1985, Merton co-founded the Comedy Store Players, a renowned improvisational comedy group that continues to perform today. His breakthrough came in 1990 with "Have I Got News for You," a satirical news quiz show where he has been a regular panelist since its inception. Throughout his career, Merton has penned several books, including "The Clogs of War" (1993), "Paul Merton on the World" (2005), and "Gargoyles" (2008). He has also authored two autobiographies, "One for the Road" (1996) and "A Life Half Lived" (2017). Merton's work is characterized by his deep knowledge of history, literature, and politics, which he uses to craft incisive commentary on current affairs. His humor often blends intelligence with irreverence, making him a beloved figure in British comedy. Among his notable works are "Paul Merton in Greece" (2014), where he explored the ancient world, and "Paul Merton's Europe" (2017-2020), an acclaimed travel series exploring various European cities and their histories. Despite his success, Merton remains humble, crediting his upbringing for instilling in him a deep respect for learning and a love of storytelling. His work continues to entertain and educate audiences worldwide, cementing his status as a British comedy legend.

Interpretations of Popular Quotes

"The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist."

This quote by Paul Merton suggests that a hidden or seemingly non-existent threat can be the most potent, as it allows danger to operate unchallenged. In a broader sense, it can be interpreted as a caution against underestimating or ignoring invisible forces that may shape our beliefs, actions, and even societies. These unseen influences might manipulate us into believing they have no power, making them all the more dangerous because they can go unchecked.


"Life is like a sewer... what you get out of it depends on what you put into it."

Paul Merton's quote suggests that life, much like a sewer system, operates based on the input we provide. In other words, our experiences, opportunities, and successes in life are largely determined by the effort, energy, and positivity we invest into it. Just as waste in a sewer can either flow freely or clog and stagnate, our lives can be filled with growth, achievement, and fulfillment, or blocked by negativity, complacency, and stagnation. The quote encourages us to actively contribute to our own experiences and futures by being mindful of the energy and effort we put into life.


"I don't mind dying, I just don't want to be there when it happens."

This quote by Paul Merton humorously expresses a common human fear of the unknown and an unconscious desire for control over one's own life and death. By stating that he doesn't mind dying, but doesn't want to be present when it happens, Merton implies a sense of detachment from his mortality, showing that while death is inevitable, he wishes to keep living with minimal fear or concern about the moment of passing. Essentially, this quote reflects a desire for life over death, yet acknowledging that one's own existence will eventually come to an end.


"The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard."

Paul Merton's quote humorously underscores the idea of nature versus nurture, suggesting that our inherent qualities, traits, or abilities (the "gene pool") have no external oversight or control, much like a swimming pool without a lifeguard. In other words, while genetics plays a significant role in who we are, there is no one to monitor and guide it, leaving the outcome largely to chance.


"If you argue with a fool, people may not be able to tell the difference."

This quote highlights the potential for individuals who lack knowledge or reason to engage in pointless arguments that can cause confusion among others. The message is to avoid wasting time and energy on debates with unreasonable people because it's difficult for others to discern between them, which can lead to unnecessary conflict and misunderstandings. Instead, it suggests focusing one's efforts on constructive dialogue and engaging with those who are open-minded and willing to learn.


If you became a comedian in the '80s, you had to work the circuit and make people laugh. Canned laughter is cheating.

- Paul Merton

Work, Circuit, Became, Canned

When I wake up on a Monday morning and I realise I don't have to go and work at the civil service, I really think I've won.

- Paul Merton

Work, Think, Go, Monday Morning

I was flying to the Maldives in 2000 when the plane went through turbulence - after that, I didn't fly for four years. Then a job came up in India, so I did a simulator flight and learnt about what goes on in the cockpit. I'm fine now.

- Paul Merton

Flight, Through, Plane, Turbulence

In a psychiatric hospital, a lot of people believe that people on TV are talking to them directly through the screen. I'm with about 500 of these people, and I'm on TV every Friday night. As I was queuing up for breakfast one morning, one guy nearly jumped out of his skin. My first thought was to go 'Woooo!'

- Paul Merton

Through, TV, Friday Night, Directly

The thing about improvisation is that it's not about what you say. It's listening to what other people say. It's about what you hear.

- Paul Merton

Listening, Other, About, Improvisation

I never give anyone advice: it can backfire horribly. In the 1950s, Eric Morecambe told Ken Dodd to get his teeth fixed. But those teeth turned out to be one of Dodd's big selling points.

- Paul Merton

Big, Give, Horribly, Fixed

I read every book about Buster Keaton and Chaplin to see how they worked - it's all about dedication, tunnel vision, pursuit of perfection, getting the gag right.

- Paul Merton

Book, Buster, Read, Tunnel Vision

I looked at longevity in show business when I was about 13, and the people who seemed to have longevity were the ones who'd spent quite a bit of time learning about what they were doing before they made it.

- Paul Merton

Business, Doing, Looked, Longevity

It was a bizarre existence I led in my early twenties - that cliche of the comedian who goes out and entertains a roomful of people and then goes home to a lonely bedsit was unbelievably poignant for me because that was exactly what I was doing. I had periods of real loneliness.

- Paul Merton

Doing, Existence, Bizarre, Poignant

When things are difficult, awful, stressful, the thing that always gets you through is a sense of humour. I don't mean - well, maybe I do - laugh at the hangman as he puts the noose around your neck. But an eye, an ear, for the ridiculous, the absurd in life, can get you through a lot.

- Paul Merton

Through, Maybe, Awful, Laugh

At one point in the mid-Eighties I shared a promoter with the Smiths. One night, we were sitting backstage when Morrissey burst in, utterly distraught, sobbing his heart out. Turns out someone had thrown a sausage at him on stage during 'Meat Is Murder.'

- Paul Merton

Sausage, Had, Shared, Burst

In 1987, I was in Edinburgh doing my first one-man show. I took part in a kickabout with some fellow comedians and tripped over my trousers and heard this cracking sound in my leg. A couple of days later I went into a coma and was diagnosed with a pulmonary embolism.

- Paul Merton

Doing, Some, Couple, Cracking

When I used to do the Edinburgh Festival, there was a bunch of guys selling fresh oysters and I'd eat ten daily - marvellous.

- Paul Merton

Used, Festival, Oysters, Edinburgh

I was trying to organise my DVDs into a sort of chronological order, and I am afraid that it all trailed off after the Sixties.

- Paul Merton

Sort, Am, DVDs, Sixties

All disc jockeys are without talent. Noel Edmonds - I can't stand Noel Edmonds.

- Paul Merton

Talent, Stand, Without, Disc

I have never sold my story, done 'Hello!' magazine, any of that stuff. I'm not guilty of exploiting my private life for cash and then saying, 'Oh, I don't want to talk about my private life.' I've never crossed that line.

- Paul Merton

Line, Private, About, Crossed

When I turned about 12 or 13, I realised that being funny wasn't about remembering jokes. It was about creating them.

- Paul Merton

Being Funny, Realised, Jokes

And like the old stereotype, I overcame my shyness by making my friends laugh.

- Paul Merton

Old, Making, Like, Stereotype

It seems like a contradiction, but the shy person who is a performer actually does make sense, because in a way, when you're young and shy, making people laugh is a good way to make friends. It's an instant connection.

- Paul Merton

Good, Shy, Young, Laugh

The economics favour one-man comedy shows: all you need is one person, a microphone and a PA system. But I'm pleased so many people are making a living out of comedy - it's a wonderful business to be in.

- Paul Merton

Out, Making A Living, Favour, Microphone

Beginning with a trip out to Ellis Island, I saw for myself where thousands of European immigrants took their first steps onto American soil, bringing with them nothing but their ambition: people such as Erich von Stroheim and Adolph Zukor.

- Paul Merton

Beginning, American, Soil, Ellis

I think having an outsider's viewpoint is interesting and good, especially for a comedian.

- Paul Merton

Think, Comedian, Viewpoint, Outsider

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

- Paul Merton

Records, Air, Badly, Identified

There's something magical about film, it's the ultimate for me, because it's kind of permanent - inasmuch as anything is. When I went to see Buster Keaton when I was about 14 and I came out of the cinema having really laughed at this film which had been made 50 years before, I thought: That's immortality. It's fantastic.

- Paul Merton

Immortality, Been, Buster, Inasmuch

I don't always vote in general elections, but I think I've always voted Labour.

- Paul Merton

Think, Always, General, Vote

On my first day in New York a guy asked me if I knew where Central Park was. When I told him I didn't he said, 'Do you mind if I mug you here?'.

- Paul Merton

Him, Here, Guy, Central Park

I've never been disappointed by politicians. I've never invested that much in them in the first place.

- Paul Merton

Never, Disappointed, Been, Invested

Maybe there's a perception of me as grumpy old bugger who suffers from depression. It's a total misconception. I don't think of myself as any grumpier than the next person. I'm not even grumpy first thing in the morning.

- Paul Merton

Grumpy, Next, Maybe, Perception

Generally speaking, politicians are an odd bunch. They seem to have very thick skins and genuinely don't care what people think. And charm is a very important part of the politician's armoury. I try to resist that kind of charm.

- Paul Merton

Part, Very, Genuinely, Odd

I was never one to go up to someone as a five- or six-year-old and say, 'Hello, my name's Paul, will you be my friend?' But I found if I did an impression of the PE teacher or whatever and people laughed, then they did like me, and so then they started talking to me, rather than me making the initial overture and then maybe being rebuffed.

- Paul Merton

Talking, Maybe, Rather, Paul

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