Pat Paulsen Quotes

The Clinton Administration has turned out to be a boon. I knew that he would be wonderful, I just knew it from the beginning. From Arkansas? Shoot.

- Pat Paulsen

People come up to me in bars and on street corners and they say to me, 'Hey, Paulsen, have you got any change?'

- Pat Paulsen

Presidents tend to tinker, you know, and mess everything up.

- Pat Paulsen

I think I'd make a pretty good president, and they have a great pension plan.

- Pat Paulsen

So I got into growing grapes, not realizing that there was a heck of a lot more to it than meets the eye.

- Pat Paulsen

The No. 1 cause of forest fires is trees.

- Pat Paulsen

Only a cheap politician, greedy for political gain, would try to single out one individual for blame. The fault lies not with the individual but with the system, and that system is Richard Nixon.

- Pat Paulsen

I came down to Orange because I sold the Smothers Brothers a song called 'Chocolate,' and that gave me enough money to move down here. I was washing windows down in Orange County when they called me up and said they wanted me to do their TV show.

- Pat Paulsen

I've been on the campaign trail so long, some of my wine has turned to vinegar.

- Pat Paulsen

I will not claim I will solve all the world's problems by myself. If I did, I'd have to run as a Republican or a Democrat.

- Pat Paulsen

Should we continue to spend billions to subsidize foreign military dictatorships, or should we concentrate on taking better care of the one we have right here at home?

- Pat Paulsen

In America, any boy can grow up to become president. Or, if he never grows up, vice president.

- Pat Paulsen

I once told Tommy Smothers, 'If I could just get the money and the women straightened out, the rest of my life would be easy.'

- Pat Paulsen

Will I obliterate national debt? Sure, why not?

- Pat Paulsen

Now that my wine has been served in the White House, why not me? Who could talk to farmers better than I? Somebody even asked me the other day if I had anything in my platform about taxes. 'Hell yes,' I said. 'Great state. But I wouldn't want to live there.'

- Pat Paulsen

All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian.

- Pat Paulsen

I am neither left wing nor right wing. I am middle-of-the-bird.

- Pat Paulsen

Assuming either the Left Wing or the Right Wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles.

- Pat Paulsen

Having a comic in the White House will assure stability in foreign relations. The world will continue to respond to foreign initiatives by saying, 'You must be joking.'

- Pat Paulsen

You have to understand, I can't do any jokes about Ross Perot, because the last thing I need right now is another credit check.

- Pat Paulsen

The federal government spends millions to run the Postal Service. I could lose your mail for half of that.

- Pat Paulsen

I read an article that said one in five Americans thinks Elvis is alive. I want to find those morons and get them registered to vote for me.

- Pat Paulsen

A gun is a necessity. Who knows if you're walking down a street and you spot a moose?

- Pat Paulsen

We've got to step up our conservation efforts before it's too late. We're not protecting our lands and natural resources. Take the Grand Canyon for example; I'm sure that at one time it was a beautiful piece of land, and just look at the way we've let it go.

- Pat Paulsen

Actually, my wine was served at the White House twice. Reagan must have been asleep when he ordered it.

- Pat Paulsen

Wine is something to enjoy. We get sick and tired of people who pick it apart and talk about its 'saucy nuances.'

- Pat Paulsen

I'd learned some things. I knew you weren't supposed to hold a good wine at the top - the paper bag falls off.

- Pat Paulsen

I like to pour my wines for people. I watch their eyes, I can see what they'll like. Most people say they don't like dry wine because they haven't had a dry wine that's clean and fruity, instead of a big, oaky thing.

- Pat Paulsen

I admit I do have some drawbacks and limitations as a candidate. Although I am a professional comedian, some of my critics maintain that this is not enough. I cannot deny that I stand before you untested and inexperienced - I only spent two years in television, never as a romantic lead or a song and dance man.

- Pat Paulsen

I've upped my standards. Now, up yours.

- Pat Paulsen

I think we should just tip the government if it does a good job. Fifteen percent is the standard tip, isn't it?

- Pat Paulsen

Yeah, I'm running for the White House again. Well, it's not a run, really; it's sort of a brisk walk.

- Pat Paulsen

Only 10 percent of the people in the U.S. like dry wines. You shouldn't get down on people just because they like a little sugar.

- Pat Paulsen

Deep down, I happen to be very shallow.

- Pat Paulsen

It's tough campaigning, kissing hands and shaking babies.

- Pat Paulsen

I want to caucus in Iowa. I'll caucus all over the state. I don't caucus in California. You don't caucus where you live. It doesn't look good.

- Pat Paulsen

If you're old enough to be arrested, you're old enough to carry a gun.

- Pat Paulsen

I don't need adult supervision.

- Pat Paulsen

You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can only make a monkey out of the voters every four years!

- Pat Paulsen

If elected, I will win.

- Pat Paulsen

We must remember that as the centuries go by, time will pass.

- Pat Paulsen

As I've always said: The future lies ahead.

- Pat Paulsen

The last few years of my life have been a little like a long ride in a Poop de Ville with the bottom down.

- Pat Paulsen