Nikki Glaser Quotes

I have always been scared of confrontation. My therapist says it stems from my fear of abandonment.

- Nikki Glaser

My boyfriend and I are not good at fighting. We're better than we were when we started dating - two breakups and three years ago - but it's never come naturally to either of us. I have often wished we fought like I imagine Pink and Carey Hart fight.

- Nikki Glaser

Jimmy Fallon's strengths are that he's fun, and he's good at impressions, and he's musically inclined. And my strength is that I'm a joke writer, but I also have no filter, and I think that that's not a talent per se, but it's just a thing about myself that I have found that people like about what I do.

- Nikki Glaser

I wasn't a good-looking child. I got screwed out of the genetic deal. My sister looks like a model. I think that's why I'm a comic. I'm deeply insecure, since I was always feeling ugly. I wasn't a healthy child. I had poor self-esteem. That's why I need people's approval.

- Nikki Glaser

I just got a new dog, so I was worried that he'd hate the fireworks, and he did, but just because he's not a patriot, not because of the loud sounds. The loud sounds he's fine with - he just hates America.

- Nikki Glaser

As a female comic, if you talk about sex in any capacity, you will be branded a 'sex comic,' so I might as well go full force on it.

- Nikki Glaser

I think I deal with my anger toward my relationship or about my relationship or about my friendships or my family - I deal with it on stage in a passive-aggressive way, and that can be very harmful if it gets back to them, which it always does.

- Nikki Glaser

All my relatives and friends have been pretty aware of my brand of humor for a while, so none of them have been shocked.

- Nikki Glaser

Being pretty was always a very big thing growing up.

- Nikki Glaser

Someone told me I looked like a young Tonya Harding recently, as if 'young' would soften the blow.

- Nikki Glaser

I nannied for a couple of months. The kids were super-funny; it made me wish I grew up in a comedy household. But nannying is demoralizing. I'm just not cut out for it.

- Nikki Glaser

I've talked about my relationship without consulting my boyfriend about whether or not he wants that talked about, and I've also taken a story that has happened with us and, for comedic purposes, exaggerated it or changed it in some way that made him look not great.

- Nikki Glaser

Just sharing things that are either embarrassing or possibly relatable, searching for that laugh so that someone makes me feel less alone. Like, 'Oh, they laughed, so they get what I'm saying.

- Nikki Glaser

I was inspired by people telling me I should be a comedian. I tried it and had a really good first set, so I was like, 'OK, I'll do this forever'.

- Nikki Glaser

Nothing really shocks me anymore.

- Nikki Glaser

I started out splitting my time between the Kansas City and St. Louis comedy scenes, which both had bluer sensibilities than other cities that I've worked.

- Nikki Glaser

Sarah Silverman. She's the reason I do comedy. Her DNC speech was my favorite thing I ever heard. Sitting down with her and laughing would be incredible.

- Nikki Glaser

People are just so insensitive because they're ignorant; they don't understand, so they're scared of what they're ignorant of.

- Nikki Glaser

The transgender bathroom thing - it's just so obvious that people are scared of what they don't understand. It's like, 'I don't want to deal with the fact that some people might have been born in the wrong body.'

- Nikki Glaser

I just want to open people's eyes to different things.

- Nikki Glaser

As far as how I approach the humor, I think the best comedy is going to happen when I'm myself and act organically to a news item or situation.

- Nikki Glaser

I went and hung out at a foot fetish party, and I knew that was a very popular fetish to have, but I didn't realize how amazing it would be to have it.

- Nikki Glaser

We just learned about this fetish where guys just give women money and know that they are spending their money. It's not like a sugar daddy thing. It's like financial domination, or something like that. These guys just want to give you money.

- Nikki Glaser

If anyone's going to bring about mass extinction, it'll be Donald Trump.

- Nikki Glaser

I remember thinking years ago about getting a half special, 'When you get that, that will be it. That will be all you need to feel validated in this world.' I feel like that special was just another set.

- Nikki Glaser

All my life - middle school, high school - I've always been worried what are people going to think.

- Nikki Glaser

Make eye contact with cute strangers. Give guys your email. Email is safer than a number, or at least it feels that way.

- Nikki Glaser

A college degree was very important for them; it wasn't for me. So I picked English because I'm fluent. I thought it would be the easiest to do.

- Nikki Glaser

Up until recently, I've said, 'I don't notice the sexism in the industry.'

- Nikki Glaser

My sister was very, very beautiful and I was very not. Doing comedy is the greatest thing ever because you don't have to do that, and I've since learned to let go of that.

- Nikki Glaser

The more you work in this business as a comedian, the closer you get to just being yourself onstage, on camera, the more well received you are.

- Nikki Glaser

I had a guy on Facebook for, like, years just asking if he could PayPal me money, and of course I have to say no when, really, I'm just like, 'Why wouldn't I? He doesn't want anything for it.'

- Nikki Glaser

My standup is years and years of me working things out on the road. I'm really proud of it! A lot of it is about, well... I don't know why I feel this way, but I feel like every special or show I do is some variation on how I feel like I'm not a girl, not yet a woman.

- Nikki Glaser

When I did 'Nikki and Sara Live,' I think a lot of the comedy got lost because we were always so worried about how we looked, and so was the network.

- Nikki Glaser

I was going to go to a Gathering of the Juggalos but decided that wouldn't work. They would know I was there to make fun of them. It would be like me going to a Trump rally.

- Nikki Glaser

I've been saying inappropriate things since I was a kid.

- Nikki Glaser

Why am I sharing this part of my life when it opens me up to judgment? But part of me wants to share that part of my life because I think non-monogamy is a normal thing for human beings to want.

- Nikki Glaser

I won't tackle something like furries, because there's nothing new to say. Also, I won't do anything that I think will put my life at risk.

- Nikki Glaser

Rob Thomas loves nothing more than for couples to go on dates, and he loves chocolates. Boxes of 20 chocolates.

- Nikki Glaser

I don't know what that is because to me, Feb. 14 is Rob Thomas' birthday, and that's only what I acknowledge it as. I just like to celebrate that as Rob Thomas' birthday.

- Nikki Glaser

I love what I do, but living in one place for an entire year and not being on the road constantly was glorious. The road lifestyle is not ideal for a woman who's about to be thirty.

- Nikki Glaser

I like putting myself in uncomfortable situations.

- Nikki Glaser

I always told my parents, 'Just give me till I'm 27 to do comedy, to make it'.

- Nikki Glaser

It strikes me as pretty interesting and cool how girls support each other in this business. I've never felt so much support in my life than from my fellow female comedians. I attribute much of my success to some of them.

- Nikki Glaser

I'm not a bleeding-heart feminist, but I do like to call out that stuff in my act. It's nice when you find a perspective that no one has hit on.

- Nikki Glaser

The first place I ever performed was at CU Boulder. I went there my freshman year and discovered stand-up after my friends talked me into signing up for a showcase on campus.

- Nikki Glaser

That's the compliment I get most often - 'You guys are so honest.'

- Nikki Glaser

There's actually a thing called Wikifeet that's the Wikipedia of celebrity girls' feet.

- Nikki Glaser

I just realized I have probably spent more time in a strip club than Rihanna has, and that is saying a lot because she goes a lot!

- Nikki Glaser

My logic used to be if I get angry at my boyfriend, he could say, 'Well, if that thing I do that I don't want to stop doing makes you mad, I don't need to be with you. Bye!' And then he'd leave me. Forever.

- Nikki Glaser

I've been doing stand-up for a few years, and I have a handful of fans just from stuff I've done, like 'Last Comic Standing.' And as a fan of stand-ups myself ... like, when I first discovered Sarah Silverman, I wanted to know everything about her life.

- Nikki Glaser

A lot of being a woman in this business is about how you look... That's not why we're even in this business; that's not what people want from us. We're valuable because we're funny and because we have a voice and a point of view.

- Nikki Glaser

The best stuff - the most interesting stuff - usually happens when I allow myself to be in the moment and working from that space.

- Nikki Glaser

Temping is the worst. I would rather starve and be homeless than nanny or temp again.

- Nikki Glaser

I'm in a relationship and have never been on Tinder as a single woman, but from what I have seen, I think it is always good to have a picture with an animal to show that you are kind.

- Nikki Glaser

I'm so glad I'm not in college anymore. I'm so glad I'm not having kids.

- Nikki Glaser

Funny is funny. If it's funny enough to women, it will be funny to men. I think that's been proven by Broad City and Amy Schumer. They're killing it.

- Nikki Glaser

I am a woman, so I never want to hide that or be like, 'I'm one of the boys,' because I'm not. I am aware of our audience. We always aim for the right combo of not hitting people over head but still getting our message across.

- Nikki Glaser

I remember the 'Jenny McCarthy Show' being kind of funny, and I remember her being just like one of the boys. I remember her being counter to everything I thought girls should be on TV, or whatever. I kind of liked her vibe.

- Nikki Glaser

I have to say that it's fun to write for young girls, and it's exciting to know that we're influencing them and they're looking at us like, 'I want to grow up and be like them.' I mean, I just made up the person saying that.

- Nikki Glaser

College is good discipline. That's what I learned there: pull an all-nighter, get it done, and get an A. I'm the biggest procrastinator, and I learned how to be an efficient procrastinator.

- Nikki Glaser

Everything I write in my show is a collaboration with a team.

- Nikki Glaser

My boyfriend and I have finally learned how to embrace confrontation as something that will only help us as a couple.

- Nikki Glaser

Some of my favorites include 'Walking the Room' and 'Never Not Funny' and 'FitzDog Radio', Greg Fitzsimmons' podcast.

- Nikki Glaser

I think people are afraid of the concept of open relationships. Like, 'I will not accept this.' They don't have to! No one is telling them to. But it might work for other people.

- Nikki Glaser

I was lucky enough to find stand-up really early in life. And I'm so grateful that I did, because the second I found it, I was like, 'I know what I want to do'.

- Nikki Glaser

I never feel guilty or anything after a podcast; I feel better.

- Nikki Glaser

I don't feel the same pressure to be perfect up there that I did in the beginning.

- Nikki Glaser

Things end in this business. Shows get canceled, or you walk away from them - but most likely, things get canceled.

- Nikki Glaser

I like guys with a sense of humor who smile a lot and are kind.

- Nikki Glaser

I knew what I wanted to do, so I was constantly working on material once I got to KU.

- Nikki Glaser

I would much rather be someone with high self-esteem and less funny.

- Nikki Glaser

I'm sure I've already made some mistakes that I'll wish I could take back.

- Nikki Glaser