I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
- Mitch Hedberg
Could, Code, Imagine, Tap
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
- Mitch Hedberg
Own, Guy, Casino, My Own
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
- Mitch Hedberg
Woman, Dating, Girlfriend, Mad
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
- Mitch Hedberg
Too Late, Glass, Sized, Mad
I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
- Mitch Hedberg
Play, I Wish, Before, Little League
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'
- Mitch Hedberg
Banana, Want, Frozen, Asked
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
- Mitch Hedberg
Foot, Ultimate, Severed, Stocking
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
- Mitch Hedberg
Funny, Some, Wanted, Boiling
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
- Mitch Hedberg
Work, Pretty, Carefree, Pretty Good
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
- Mitch Hedberg
Food, Cheese, Macaroni, Adult
My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
- Mitch Hedberg
Made, Actress, Set, Halfway
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
- Mitch Hedberg
Stairs, Break, Escalator, Convenience
If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
- Mitch Hedberg
Work, Kid, Sure, Magnet
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
- Mitch Hedberg
Car, Tell, Which, Headlights
I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
- Mitch Hedberg
New, Last, Gonna, Joke
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
- Mitch Hedberg
Go, Planet, Gonna, Shaving
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
- Mitch Hedberg
Think, Cocky, Very, What If
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
- Mitch Hedberg
I Can, Fingers, Whistle
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
- Mitch Hedberg
Fingers, Nine, Had, Missing
It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
- Mitch Hedberg
Say, Like, Explain, Ape
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
- Mitch Hedberg
Funny, Plants, Them, Fake
Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
- Mitch Hedberg
Night, Show, Last, Last Night
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
- Mitch Hedberg
Sculpting, Took, Prolific, Last Night
Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.
- Mitch Hedberg
Eyes, People, Meat, Deli
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
- Mitch Hedberg
Caring, Not Caring, Always, Pens
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
- Mitch Hedberg
Bring, Like, Wearing, Midget
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
- Mitch Hedberg
Go, Like, Pinch, Cord
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
- Mitch Hedberg
Once, Forks, Saw, Literal
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
- Mitch Hedberg
Food, Waffle, Like, Pancake
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
- Mitch Hedberg
Smart, Sometimes, Maybe, Brian
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
- Mitch Hedberg
Saved, Need, Someone, Addict
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
- Mitch Hedberg
Play, Like, Addicted, Sitting
People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
- Mitch Hedberg
Thought, Been, Though, Sitting
All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
- Mitch Hedberg
Funny, Me, Been, Jokes
Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
- Mitch Hedberg
Dogs, Forever, Up, Push
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
- Mitch Hedberg
Cool, Just, Really, Hippopotamus
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
- Mitch Hedberg
Never, How, Get, Depressing
Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.
- Mitch Hedberg
Think, Here, Making, Disillusion
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
- Mitch Hedberg
Days, Would, Too, Slept
I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
- Mitch Hedberg
Wheels, Like, Very, Cart
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
- Mitch Hedberg
Wrong, Why, Off, Joke
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
- Mitch Hedberg
Birthday, Cake, Wanted, Candle
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
- Mitch Hedberg
Drunk, Rabbits, Would, Carrots
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.
- Mitch Hedberg
Very, Once, Saw, Pyramid
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
- Mitch Hedberg
Fishing, Want, TV, Catch
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
- Mitch Hedberg
Soccer, Think, I Think, Combination
I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.
- Mitch Hedberg
Why, Maybe, Wasting, Beans
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
- Mitch Hedberg
Hero, Belt, Pants, Loops
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
- Mitch Hedberg
Funny, Upside, Wear, Necklace
When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
- Mitch Hedberg
Hands, Here, Away, Flyer
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
- Mitch Hedberg
Want, Hungry, Eat, Rice
Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.
- Mitch Hedberg
Spaghetti, Them, Many, Noodles
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.
- Mitch Hedberg
Dreams, Going, Them, Goin
I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.
- Mitch Hedberg
Like, Unless, More People, Four
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
- Mitch Hedberg
Dirty, Which, Means, Dry
I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.
- Mitch Hedberg
Remember, I Remember, Used, Yeah
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
- Mitch Hedberg
Book, Kid, Read, Children
I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
- Mitch Hedberg
Back, Remix, Normal
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
- Mitch Hedberg
Know, How, Show, Against
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