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Milton Berle Quotes

Powerful Milton Berle for Daily Growth

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

- Milton Berle

My Life, Think, Add, Jogging

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.

- Milton Berle

Poverty, Disgrace, Terribly, Inconvenient

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

- Milton Berle

Funny, Committee, Hours, Loses

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

- Milton Berle

Bread, White, Person, Anytime

Money can't buy you happiness, but it helps you look for it in a lot more places.

- Milton Berle

Money, Places, Lot, Helps

Now a 'funnyman' can get a laugh before opening his mouth - looking funny. Lou Costello was one of your great funnymen. Harry Langdon, Larry Semon; they were all funnymen - they looked funny. W.C. Fields was never a comedian. Slim Summerville was a comedian, yet looked funny. Now if you have both attributes, you are in good shape.

- Milton Berle

Before, Costello, Harry, Larry

Laughter is an instant vacation.

- Milton Berle

Humor, Laughter, Instant, Vacation

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

- Milton Berle

Funny, Television, Edison, None

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.

- Milton Berle

Accountant, Retiring, Million Dollars

I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.

- Milton Berle

Star, Been, Rather, Has-Been

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?

- Milton Berle

Income, Blank, Filled, Forms

I have a file of four million jokes... I have them cross-indexed. Whatever subject you want, I have a joke on it.

- Milton Berle

Four, Million, File, Jokes

I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.

- Milton Berle

Live, Laugh

I received a lot of complaints from parents who wrote and told me that their kids wouldn't go to sleep until our show was over. So I went on the air and told all the children watching to 'listen to their Uncle Miltie and go to bed right after the show.'

- Milton Berle

Uncle, Bed, Show, Parents

Like every comedian, if I heard a joke that I thought would work, I used it.

- Milton Berle

Thought, Comedian, Would, Joke

There's a difference between being a comic and a comedian. A comic is a guy who says funny things, and a comedian is a guy who says things funny, and he has a style and point of view that will last much longer.

- Milton Berle

Will, Funny Things, Last, Comedian

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

- Milton Berle

She, Her, Always, Wrong

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

- Milton Berle

Mother's Day, How, Works, Evolution

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

- Milton Berle

Funny, Name, Her, Forgotten

People say I owe a lot to television. The fact is I was a star long before television. What TV made me is unemployed.

- Milton Berle

Fact, Star, TV, Unemployed

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.

- Milton Berle

Interesting, Feel, Like, Sixth

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

- Milton Berle

Funny, Think, Congress, Lead

They've finally comes up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

- Milton Berle

Mistake, Perfect, Computer, Office

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

- Milton Berle

Inspirational, Door, Build, Knock

It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now.

- Milton Berle

Amazing, Fast, How, Later

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