"I'm like a human Tide pod, I remove racial stains."
In this humorous statement, Lisa Lampanelli suggests that she functions as a detergent removes stains, specifically racial prejudices or misunderstandings, through her comedic performances which tackle sensitive topics. By making people laugh about these issues, she aims to remove the "stain" of intolerance and promote a more inclusive society.
"My life's mission is to make as many people as possible go, 'Wow, she was on comedy central?'"
This quote suggests that Lisa Lampanelli seeks to surprise and impress a wide audience with her comedic talent, aiming to transcend expectations by showcasing her skills on a major platform like Comedy Central, where she may initially be underestimated or overlooked due to preconceived notions. In essence, she strives to make an impactful, positive impression that leaves people saying "Wow, I didn't realize how talented she was!"
"I'm so fat, when my husband and I make love, it's called Lean Cuisine."
The quote suggests a playful and self-deprecating humor about one's own weight. In this instance, Lisa Lampanelli is humorously comparing herself to the popular diet food brand "Lean Cuisine," implying that her physical size contrasts with the idea of leanness often associated with the brand. The humor lies in the irony and cleverness of using a brand name in such an unexpected context.
"I'm like a Staples Center-sized box of chocolates... you never know what you're gonna get!"
This quote suggests that Lisa Lampanelli, much like a large box of assorted chocolates from the Staples Center (implying an abundance of variety), is unpredictable and full of surprises in her personality or performances. It's a playful way to express that one cannot easily categorize or anticipate her actions due to the diverse nature of her character or output.
"I used to be overweight. But now I'm perfectly proportioned: large and in charge."
This quote emphasizes self-acceptance, humor, and confidence, particularly in relation to body image. The comedian Lisa Lampanelli is expressing that she has transitioned from feeling overweight to embracing her size as part of her identity, using the phrase "perfectly proportioned: large and in charge." It suggests self-love and pride, as well as a rejection of societal standards that may deem larger bodies as undesirable.
I keep getting asked out by really young, good looking boys and really ugly lesbians. So, even if I wanted to jump onto the tuna boat, I wouldn't because I'm not getting high-class babes that I should get at this level of my career. And I always know the ugly ones are serious and that the good-looking ones are goofing on me.
- Lisa Lampanelli
People with HIV and AIDS are nothing to be afraid of. They are people just like every single one of us, and each has a story to tell. These people should be helped, embraced, and not dismissed. We need to open our hearts and our minds to them, and we just may learn we're pretty much all the same.
- Lisa Lampanelli
In the end, censoring a comedian's jokes is on par with censoring 'Huckleberry Finn.' Now, I'm not comparing myself to Mark Twain - he had much wavier hair and a slightly thicker mustache. But when you deny an artist the chance to explore his art, you're forcing your beliefs on him.
- Lisa Lampanelli
'Baywatch' sucks so bad. I didn't watch it the first time around; I'm sure not going to buy a DVD. But really, you just kind of find out the categories of what's most foolish about these people. With Hasselhoff, it's obviously the huge man-tits with chest hair, probably a lot about his crappy acting, obviously the hamburger video - that's huge.
- Lisa Lampanelli
Mr. Trump, I really can't comment, because he was my boss on 'Celebrity Apprentice,' and I just don't think we should let him be president until he produces evidence that the thing on his head is real. Because he wanted to see Obama's birth certificate, we should ask for a certificate of real hair.
- Lisa Lampanelli
Comedy is like music - there are genres and styles for every taste. Katy Perry is there for people who like frothy pop music. Metallica is there for people who like head-banging metal. And Susan Boyle is there for... well, I don't who the hell is listening to that freak of nature, but that's not the point. In art, there's something for everybody.
- Lisa Lampanelli
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