Larry David Quotes

Sometimes I have these fantasies of just moving to a foreign country and coming back with a full head of hair. Or not even come back! Make a new life there with hair... Change my name, just see what happens.

- Larry David

Country, Foreign Country, Fantasies

Millions of people are married. I've never picked up a paper and seen a headline that says, Man Gets Married!

- Larry David

People, Millions Of People, Picked

I've led this empty life for over forty years and now I can pass that heritage on and ensure that the misery will continue for at least one more generation.

- Larry David

Generation, Over, Ensure, Forty Years

I was planning on my future as a homeless person. I had a really good spot picked out.

- Larry David

Future, Planning, Picked, Homeless

When I was living in New York and didn't have a penny to my name, I would walk around the streets and occasionally I would see an alcove or something. And I'd think, that'll be good, that'll be a good spot for me when I'm homeless.

- Larry David

Good, Streets, Around, Homeless

People don't yell nasty things at actors - they let them continue.

- Larry David

Continue, Things, Yell, Nasty

I don't like to be out of my comfort zone, which is about a half an inch wide.

- Larry David

Which, Half, Wide, Comfort Zone

Anytime I'm involved with anything that's well-received, it's a surprise to me.

- Larry David

Surprise, Me, Involved, Anytime

If I tried to flirt with a woman and she didn't know who I was, she would run away.

- Larry David

Woman, Run, Away, Flirt

I couldn't be happier that President Bush has stood up for having served in the National Guard, because I can finally put an end to all those who questioned my motives for enlisting in the Army Reserve at the height of the Vietnam War.

- Larry David

Bush, Guard, Stood, Reserve

In those days, reserve duty lasted for six years, which, I might add, was three times as long as service in the regular army, although to be perfectly honest, I was unable to fulfill my entire obligation because I was taking acting classes and they said I could skip my last year.

- Larry David

Year, Perfectly, Fulfill, Reserve

Even though the National Guard and Army Reserve see combat today, it rankles me that people assume it was some kind of waltz in the park back then.

- Larry David

Kind, Some, Though, Reserve

I'm a walking, talking enigma. We're a dying breed.

- Larry David

Walking, Dying, Enigma, Breed

I had a wonderful childhood, which is tough because it's hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood.

- Larry David

Childhood, Miserable, Which, Adjust

It has to do - I think - with growing up in an apartment, with my aunt and my cousins right next door to me, with the door open, with neighbors walking in and out, with people yelling at each other all the time.

- Larry David

Door, Next, Other, Aunt

Until I started doing standup, there were some very bleak days.

- Larry David

Doing, Some, Very, Bleak

Most people are completely unaware of their breath. They violate your space, they have no idea that they have halitosis.

- Larry David

People, Idea, Your, Unaware

I don't really know much about TV and what people want to see. I'm not that well-informed about it.

- Larry David

Want, See, TV, Well-Informed

It's that I wasn't suited to do the kind of comedy that these people were coming to hear - mainstream comedy.

- Larry David

Comedy, Kind, Were, Suited

Women love a self-confident bald man.

- Larry David

Love, Man, Bald, Self-Confident

I tolerate lactose like I tolerate people.

- Larry David

People, Like, Tolerate

I never thought for a second that anything I ever did was going to make someone cringe. That never occurred to me.

- Larry David

Thought, Going, Occurred, Cringe

Once I know people know who I am, it gives me a lot of licence and freedom to behave in ways I wouldn't normally.

- Larry David

People, Licence, Am, Normally

Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn't involve a woman.

- Larry David

Woman, Suffer, Most, Humiliating

Golf and dating don't mix.

- Larry David

Dating, Golf, Mix

I defy anyone to produce any evidence that the word 'happy' has ever crossed my lips. I am not now, nor have I ever been, 'happy.'

- Larry David

Happy, Evidence, Been, Crossed

Let's not forget, I got divorced.

- Larry David

Forget, Got, Divorced

When you're not concerned with succeeding, you can work with complete freedom.

- Larry David

Work, Freedom, Concerned, Complete Freedom

Anything that's for free, people will take. They don't discriminate.

- Larry David

Free, Will, Take, Discriminate

The best situation is being a single parent. The best part about is that you get time off, too, because the kids are with their mom, so it's the best of both worlds. There's a lot to be said for it.

- Larry David

Parent, Part, Worlds, Best Part

Obviously comedic styles do change.

- Larry David

Change, Obviously, Styles, Comedic

I'm not quite as anonymous as I was.

- Larry David

Quite, Anonymous

I think golf is literally an addiction. I'm surprised there's not Golf Anonymous.

- Larry David

Golf, Think, I Think, Anonymous

Woody Allen likes to do a lot of master shots. He likes to get the whole thing in one take, and so you could be going along doing a scene, and then the next to last line, all of a sudden, you stumble, and you have to go back to first base.

- Larry David

Doing, Next, Stumble, Base

I tell people that I've now done one decent thing in my life. Albeit inadvertently.

- Larry David

My Life, Tell, Decent, Inadvertently

Hey, I may loathe myself, but it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm Jewish.

- Larry David

Fact, May, Loathe, Hey

I gave a funny speech at my wife's birthday party, and I'm thinking, 'Hey, I've still got it.'

- Larry David

Birthday, Wife, Still, Hey

OK, I'm happy. I'm happy. All right? I'm happy.

- Larry David

Happy, Right, OK

No, I am a crier and if people ever saw me privately they would be shocked at what a bowl of mush I am underneath it all.

- Larry David

Bowl, Saw, Am, Mush

If I wasn't a golfer, I would still be miserable - but not as miserable.

- Larry David

Miserable, Still, Would, Golfer

Actually I walk around with the Emmy wherever I go, but I'm very casual about it.

- Larry David

Casual, Very, Actually, Emmy

My life has changed. I'm not walking around any more wishing I wasn't me, which was the case at one time.

- Larry David

My Life, More, Which, Changed

Drugs scared me.

- Larry David

Me, Scared

There's a sense of spontaneity, and no emphasis on jokes in this show. People generally talk the way they talk in life if you were in this particular situation.

- Larry David

Sense, Show, Particular, Jokes

Most practical jokes, I'll feel too bad for the other person so I'll stop just before the punchline.

- Larry David

Bad, Other, Practical, Jokes

Every relationship is just so tenuous and precarious.

- Larry David

Relationship, Just, Every, Precarious

Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there's your diamond in the rough.

- Larry David

Hair, Diamond, Head, Bald

There's nothing that reflects me. I'm unreflectable!

- Larry David

Me, Nothing, Reflects

I still think of that guy I was without a wife or kids, and I still want to entertain that guy. The lonely guy, the frustrated guy, the guy with no money - this is the guy who needs to laugh.

- Larry David

Think, Needs, Entertain, Laugh

When I was living in New York, there was a lot of screaming in my life. I would just get into these altercations all the time. Being in public, dealing with shopkeepers, just trying to cross the street - things like that.

- Larry David

Life, My Life, Lot, Screaming

My background is degradation and sloth, mostly.

- Larry David

Background, Mostly, Sloth

I have reservations about everything I do.

- Larry David

Everything, About, Reservations

Well, after the divorce, I went home and turned all the lights on!

- Larry David

Divorce, Well, Turned, Lights

I learned the first night that IHOP's not the place to order fish.

- Larry David

Fish, Night, Learned, Order

I was very fortunate to hook up with Jerry in the first place. The network was already committed to doing something with him, so I skipped a couple of hundred steps right there.

- Larry David

Doing, Committed, Very, Jerry

I tend to stay with the panic. I embrace the panic.

- Larry David

Embrace, Stay, Tend, Panic

Whenever something good happens to me, it's usually followed by something terrible.

- Larry David

Good, Me, Whenever, Something Good

I'm surprised sometimes at how some of my actions are misinterpreted.

- Larry David

Sometimes, Some, How, Surprised

I'm really only happy when I'm on stage. I just feed off the energy of the audience. That's what I'm all about - people and laughter.

- Larry David

Happy, Audience, About, Energy

I just feed off the energy of the audience.

- Larry David

Audience, Just, Feed, Energy

Religion doesn't play any part in my life in terms of how I live my life. But I don't think I've ever gone through a day in my life without hearing someone say the word 'Jew' or saying it myself.

- Larry David

My Life, Play, Through, Hearing

My defensiveness in life really helps me as a driver.

- Larry David

Life, Me, Driver, Helps

I like to be quiet, and let people find me rather than having to shout at them.

- Larry David

Like, Rather, Having, Shout

All of a sudden I discovered that I'm allergic to caviar. It was the perfect metaphor for my life. When I was only able to afford bad caviar, I could certainly eat my fill of it.

- Larry David

My Life, Perfect, Certainly, Allergic

I'm cranky.

- Larry David

Cranky

I don't like to make a big splash anyway.

- Larry David

Big, Like, Make, Splash

I have no secrets.

- Larry David

Secrets

At first, I didn't realize it was gonna be a character. I just thought I was gonna be doing me.

- Larry David

Character, Thought, Doing, Realize

Perhaps I have a wider range than I'd given myself credit for.

- Larry David

Perhaps, Wider, Given, Credit

I don't take on big things. What I do, pretty much, is make the big things small and the small things big.

- Larry David

Small, Big, Take, Big Things

I wanted to make a living, but I really was not interested in money at all. I was interested in being a great comedian.

- Larry David

Living, Comedian, Wanted, Not Interested

I'm not interested in closure. Some people just have heart attacks and die, right? There's no closure.

- Larry David

Die, Right, Some, Not Interested

I don't write shows with dialogue where actors have to memorize dialogue. I write the scenes where we know everything that's going to happen. There's an outline of about seven or eight pages, and then we improvise it.

- Larry David

Happen, Going, I Write, Outline

I'm not a person who embraces challenges. I run from challenges. I break world records running from challenges.

- Larry David

Challenges, Break, Embraces, World Records

I'm one of the idiots that negotiates after I write.

- Larry David

Write, I Write, After, Idiots

I believe in something.

- Larry David

Believe, Something, I Believe In

The addition of nuts in salad... I always find to be beneficial.

- Larry David

Salad, Nuts, Always, Beneficial

And eventually as I kept writing it, something emerged that was not quite me but a version of me.

- Larry David

Writing, Me, Quite, Version

I guess I still feel that I'm a comedian; if I had to pick one thing that I feel like I could do, it would be that. That doesn't mean that I like it, but I feel that's what I am.

- Larry David

Like, Could, Still, Comedian

It began to dawn on me that perhaps my country needed me more at home than overseas.

- Larry David

Country, Perhaps, Began, Overseas

I'm a walking, talking enigma.

- Larry David

Walking, Talking, Enigma

The lunch in a normal American restaurant is very problematic for me. I don't like to have hot food for lunch.

- Larry David

Lunch, Normal, Very, Problematic

Most of the time I'm thinking, I'm glad that scene was improvised.

- Larry David

Time, Glad, Most, Improvised

I think Michael Moore is a hero.

- Larry David

Think, I Think, Michael, Moore

It's not every day that you get to be affectionate around something, it just doesn't happen that often.

- Larry David

Every Day, Happen, Often, Affectionate

It's always good to take something that's happened in your life and make something of it comedically.

- Larry David

Always, Your, Take, Happened

Switzerland is a place where they don't like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.

- Larry David

Switzerland, Like, Them, Chocolate

The only change I can really see is that I don't have to shop for pants in stores anymore.

- Larry David

See, Pants, Shop, Stores

There are times when I'm driving home after a day's shooting, thinking to myself, That scene would've been so much better if I had written it out.

- Larry David

Myself, Shooting, Been, Driving

I'm still driving a Prius, yeah.

- Larry David

Still, Yeah, Driving

I've been in therapy. I know enough about myself now to know that I really don't need to know anymore.

- Larry David

Need, Therapy, Been, Anymore

If I was going onstage, of course I would talk about it. How could I not?

- Larry David

How, Going, Would, Onstage

You write about what you know.

- Larry David

Know, You, About, Write

Sure, being a reservist wasn't as glamorous, but I was the one who had to look at myself in the mirror.

- Larry David

Myself, Mirror, Sure, Glamorous

I think we're all good and bad, but good's not funny. Bad is funny. Suppress the good and let the bad out, and then you can be funny.

- Larry David

Think, Bad, I Think, Suppress

I have quite a house. People come over and I go, 'I know, I'm sorry.'

- Larry David

Sorry, Go, Over, Quite

I had a job as a paralegal. I drove a cab.

- Larry David

Job, Cab, Had, Drove

Well, I always think the worst things are going to happen here, because I'm - basically inside, I'm a bad person, and so the bad kind of takes over.

- Larry David

Here, Always, Over, Basically

I don't like people cleaning my room.

- Larry David

People, Cleaning, Like, Room

There's also a certain rhythm to the way Jews talk that might be funny.

- Larry David

Talk, Might, Also, Jews

You have to discover when you're inadequate to be funny and you don't know you're inadequate when you're a kid.

- Larry David

Kid, Discover, Know, Inadequate

I don't like to say anything good. I feel like I'll jinx myself.

- Larry David

Myself, Feel, Like, I Feel Like

I am not honest.

- Larry David

I Am, Am, Honest

If you tell the truth about how you're feeling, it becomes funny.

- Larry David

Truth, Tell, How, Feeling

I think that for the most part, when I started doing comedy, it had become very commercialized.

- Larry David

Doing, Think, Very, Comedy

Even back then, I exuded self-confidence, and that drives women crazy.

- Larry David

Crazy, Back, Even, Drives

You know, I'm really not that bright.

- Larry David

Know, You, Really, Bright

Hear the birds? Sometimes I like to pretend that I'm deaf and I try to imagine what it's like not to be able to hear them. It's not that bad.

- Larry David

Bad, Like, Imagine, Deaf

I don't think anyone really is interested in reading about my emotional state. It's not even interesting to me.

- Larry David

Interesting, Think, About, Emotional

I'm anti-cheese in a salad.

- Larry David

Salad

I think that what people imagine they're going through is much worse than what they are going through.

- Larry David

Think, Through, I Think, Worse

I just wanted laughs - that's really what I was after.

- Larry David

Just, Wanted, After, Laughs

I can't stand reading anything that I've said.

- Larry David

Stand, Said, Anything, Reading

Well, as you know, I'm really only happy when I'm on stage.

- Larry David

Happy, Well, Only, Stage

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