"I'm not a cradle robber, but if I were, I would prefer a walnut cradle."
This quote by John Mulaney humorously references an unconventional preference in romantic partners, implying he would rather date someone older (comparable to the durability of a walnut). The "walnut cradle" is his humorous choice of a cradle for his hypothetical younger partner, reinforcing the idea that he prefers older dates. This quote showcases Mulaney's unique comedic perspective on relationships and age gaps.
"In high school I was found 'guilty with an explanation,' which is like the 'not guilty by reason of temporary insanity' for 16-year-olds."
This quote suggests that, during his high school years, John Mulaney was formally judged to have done something wrong ('guilty'), but the judgment acknowledged that there was a valid explanation for his actions (the 'with an explanation'). Essentially, he was found guilty, yet the circumstances warranted a more nuanced understanding of his behavior. This might reflect a less severe punishment or leniency due to youthful indiscretion, similar to the legal term "not guilty by reason of temporary insanity", which applies to adults who commit crimes under certain conditions of mental instability. For 16-year-olds, though, this might simply mean that they were given an opportunity to explain themselves and have their actions contextualized, rather than being judged solely on the surface-level behavior itself.
"I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too."
This quote, by comedian John Mulaney, humorously conveys a sense of habitual drug use, suggesting that he continues to use drugs not as a new behavior, but rather something he has been accustomed to doing for an extended period. It implies a pattern or routine in his life regarding drug usage. The tone is light-hearted and self-deprecating, reflecting Mulaney's comedic style.
"I think my parents thought if they named me John, I would be responsible. 'John, your report card is on fire.' 'I'll put it out, Mom.'"
This quote by John Mulaney humorously suggests that his parents may have assumed, due to his traditional name "John", he would inherently exhibit a sense of responsibility. However, the joke implies that this assumption was not borne out in reality; instead, John is portrayed as someone who might respond casually or with minimal concern when faced with a problem, such as ignoring a burning report card. This quote amusingly highlights the gap between parental expectations and the actual behavior of their children.
"I don't have a baby; I have a toddler. Which is just a baby in a very specific phase of development where they are too old to be held but too young to do anything fun."
This quote by John Mulaney humorously expresses the stage of parenting where children, often referred to as "toddlers," have outgrown the infant stage but are still unable to participate in activities that adults might consider fun. They are too heavy for carrying around comfortably yet lack the skills and understanding to engage in more interactive, age-appropriate activities, making the parenting experience both challenging and rewarding at the same time.
Bill Clinton fascinates me because, at the time, it seemed like his shenanigans and the people after him were the biggest political stories you could ever imagine. I remember when the 'Starr Report' was published in the newspaper, all of us were reading it in the high-school cafeteria, and a dean started taking the newspapers away from us.
- John Mulaney
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