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Jay London Quotes

Powerful Jay London for Daily Growth

I went to a record store and asked for 50 cent. They kicked me out for pan-handling.

- Jay London

Out, Store, Cent, Kicked

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.

- Jay London

Funny, Hair, Tonight, Recorded

I went out with a promiscuous impressionist - she did everybody.

- Jay London

She, Impressionist, Promiscuous

I was born nine months premature.

- Jay London

Nine, Nine Months, Months, Premature

After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, cause we have nicknames. So I named my private part pride... it's not much but at least I have my pride.

- Jay London

Private, Part, Named, Naming

At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you?

- Jay London

Light, Country, Leave, Motel

I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.

- Jay London

Training, Bomb, Set, Cockroaches

They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.

- Jay London

Thought, Concerned, Asked, Euthanasia

My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.

- Jay London

Her, Girlfriend, Bought, Fishnet

Do you know it was a year a ago today?

- Jay London

Today, Know, Year, Do You Know

I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm.

- Jay London

Storm, Once, Talked, Dated

I went to the store and bought lady fingers, when I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger.

- Jay London

Manager, Give, Finger, Missing

I saw a sign it said left lane closed so I went someplace else.

- Jay London

Left, Else, Saw, Lane

I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?

- Jay London

Medical, Doctor, Acute, Compared

My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless.

- Jay London

Boss, Me, Get, Butt

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.

- Jay London

Funny, Take, Would, Swings

People read me but they don't subscribe.

- Jay London

Me, People, Read, Subscribe

You know what burns me? Matches.

- Jay London

Me, Know, You, Matches

I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.

- Jay London

Worry, About, Having, Therapist

I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.

- Jay London

Identity, Worry, Need, Theft

I model irregular clothing.

- Jay London

Model, Irregular, Clothing

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.

- Jay London

Say, Take, Whole, Cheese

I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road.

- Jay London

Road, Here, Tonight, Driving

A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.

- Jay London

Me, Rock, Involves, Window

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.

- Jay London

Dating, Girlfriend, Fit, Jacket

I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.

- Jay London

Blunt, Knock, Dad, Bought

I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.

- Jay London

May, Cause, Enhancing, Performance

I wanted to join the Army the sign said 'Be All That You Can Be', they told me it wasn't enough.

- Jay London

Me, Sign, Wanted, Army

I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.

- Jay London

Hair, Loss, Falling, Pages

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.

- Jay London

Funny, Over, Getting, Dog

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