Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
- Henny Youngman
Anniversary, Dancing, Some, Times
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
- Henny Youngman
Marriage, Happy, Remains
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
- Henny Youngman
Medical, Broke, Going, Leg
This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
- Henny Youngman
Service, Hotel, Number, Room Service
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
- Henny Youngman
Worth It, Why, Cost, Divorces
When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
- Henny Youngman
Medical, Doctor, Afford, Operation
My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!
- Henny Youngman
Feet, Bed, Tell, Complains
A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
- Henny Youngman
Teacher, Student, Poor, Self-Taught
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
- Henny Youngman
Night, Door, Finally, Knocking
She has a wash and wear bridal gown.
- Henny Youngman
She, Wash, Bridal, Gown
Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.
- Henny Youngman
Fast, She, Couple, Fastidious
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
- Henny Youngman
Horse, Diary, Bet, Jockey
How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'
- Henny Youngman
Crazy, Top, How, Telegram
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
- Henny Youngman
Golf, Hit, Stepped, Rake
You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.
- Henny Youngman
Talent, Look, Like, Cemetery
She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
- Henny Youngman
Marriage, She, Been, Marks
This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
- Henny Youngman
School, Graduation, His, Graduated
I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
- Henny Youngman
Gift, Pay, Rid, Trash
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
- Henny Youngman
Love, Marriage, Means, Do You Know
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
- Henny Youngman
Women, Man, Frank, Earnest
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
- Henny Youngman
Funny, Succeed, Skydiving, If At First
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
- Henny Youngman
Christmas, Holidays, Wanted, Atheist
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
- Henny Youngman
Expert, Other, Joined, Brother-In-Law
A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
- Henny Youngman
Chicken, Soup, Other, Get Well
She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.
- Henny Youngman
Girl, She, Match, Hips
Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
- Henny Youngman
Suffering, Why, Jews, Interferes
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
- Henny Youngman
She, Her, Take, Keeps
If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
- Henny Youngman
Over, Again, Had, Overseas
You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
- Henny Youngman
Me, Ready, Tell, Wit
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
- Henny Youngman
Drinking, About, Read, Evils
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
- Henny Youngman
Men, Die, Before, Wives
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
- Henny Youngman
Another, Six, Months, Gave
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?
- Henny Youngman
New, Bad, Town, Drunk
If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.
- Henny Youngman
Dope, Living, Knew, Thinks
I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
- Henny Youngman
Tough, Dead, Guy, Played
I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
- Henny Youngman
Horse, Yesterday, Took, Played
My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.
- Henny Youngman
Car, Brother, Lifeguard, Wash
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
- Henny Youngman
Wife, She, Same, Cooks
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
- Henny Youngman
Travel, Mother-In-Law, Took, Trip
I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.
- Henny Youngman
Money, Die, Ever, Four
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
- Henny Youngman
Glasses, Over, Still, Eighty
That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
- Henny Youngman
Horse, First Time, Saw, Position
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
- Henny Youngman
Funny, Sleep, Tonight, Sorry
Take my wife... Please!
- Henny Youngman
Wife, Take, Please
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
- Henny Youngman
Love, Anniversary, Been, Finds
You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.
- Henny Youngman
Personality, Human Being, Nice
You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
- Henny Youngman
Love, You, Buy, Pay
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
- Henny Youngman
Happiness, Money, Use, Buy
When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.
- Henny Youngman
Funny, God, Know, Say
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