Each party steals so many articles of faith from the other, and the candidates spend so much time making each other's speeches, that by the time election day is past there is nothing much to do save turn the sitting rascals out and let a new gang in.
- H. L. Mencken
Other, By The Time, Rascals, Faith
The common argument that crime is caused by poverty is a kind of slander on the poor.
- H. L. Mencken
Kind, Common, Caused, Argument
Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under.
- H. L. Mencken
Government, Lives, Ashamed
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
- H. L. Mencken
Been, Theologians, Terms, Centuries
Legend: A lie that has attained the dignity of age.
- H. L. Mencken
History, Lie, Dignity, Legend
I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing.
- H. L. Mencken
Enjoy, Confess, Idiotic, Immensely
Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.
- H. L. Mencken
Average, Unquestionably, Wages
For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong.
- H. L. Mencken
Problem, Clear, Complex, Answer
The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal.
- H. L. Mencken
Other, Another, Any, Animal
I go on working for the same reason that a hen goes on laying eggs.
- H. L. Mencken
Reason, Eggs, Hen, Laying
Have you ever watched a crab on the shore crawling backward in search of the Atlantic Ocean, and missing? That's the way the mind of man operates.
- H. L. Mencken
Mind, Way, Shore, Watched
On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.
- H. L. Mencken
Desire, Some, Last, Adorned
The most dangerous man to any government is the man who is able to think things out... without regard to the prevailing superstitions and taboos. Almost inevitably he comes to the conclusion that the government he lives under is dishonest, insane, intolerable.
- H. L. Mencken
Without, Prevailing, Almost, Dishonest
The one permanent emotion of the inferior man is fear - fear of the unknown, the complex, the inexplicable. What he wants above everything else is safety.
- H. L. Mencken
Inferior, Inexplicable, Unknown
The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.
- H. L. Mencken
Politics, Aim, Populace, Imaginary
Self-respect: the secure feeling that no one, as yet, is suspicious.
- H. L. Mencken
Self-Respect, Feeling, Suspicious
If, after I depart this vale, you ever remember me and have thought to please my ghost, forgive some sinner and wink your eye at some homely girl.
- H. L. Mencken
Thought, Forgive, Some, Wink
A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there.
- H. L. Mencken
Will, Been, Which, Brag
Historian: an unsuccessful novelist.
- H. L. Mencken
History, Unsuccessful, Novelist
There is always an easy solution to every problem - neat, plausible, and wrong.
- H. L. Mencken
Problem, Solution, Always, Plausible
Criticism is prejudice made plausible.
- H. L. Mencken
Criticism, Prejudice, Made, Plausible
A prohibitionist is the sort of man one couldn't care to drink with, even if he drank.
- H. L. Mencken
Man, Sort, Even, Drank
It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
- H. L. Mencken
Funny, Average, Even, Ape
It is hard for the ape to believe he descended from man.
- H. L. Mencken
Believe, Hard, Descended, Ape
Nevertheless, it is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
- H. L. Mencken
Average, Nevertheless, Even, Descended
It is impossible to imagine Goethe or Beethoven being good at billiards or golf.
- H. L. Mencken
Golf, Impossible, Imagine, Beethoven
If women believed in their husbands they would be a good deal happier and also a good deal more foolish.
- H. L. Mencken
Trust, Deal, Good Deal, Foolish
Injustice is relatively easy to bear; what stings is justice.
- H. L. Mencken
Justice, Injustice, Stings, Relatively
It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics or chemistry.
- H. L. Mencken
Chemistry, Still, Lawful, Pregnancy
Life is a constant oscillation between the sharp horns of dilemmas.
- H. L. Mencken
Constant, Dilemmas, Sharp
A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.
- H. L. Mencken
Honest, Politician, Burglar, Unthinkable
To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia - to mistake an ordinary young woman for a goddess.
- H. L. Mencken
Love, Woman, Mistake, Love Is
It is impossible to imagine the universe run by a wise, just and omnipotent God, but it is quite easy to imagine it run by a board of gods.
- H. L. Mencken
Wise, Imagination, Imagine, Omnipotent
Man is always looking for someone to boast to; woman is always looking for a shoulder to put her head on.
- H. L. Mencken
Woman, Head, Always, Shoulder
It is not materialism that is the chief curse of the world, as pastors teach, but idealism. Men get into trouble by taking their visions and hallucinations too seriously.
- H. L. Mencken
Teach, Idealism, Chief, Materialism
When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands.
- H. L. Mencken
Kiss, Hands, Always, Fighters
Communism, like any other revealed religion, is largely made up of prophecies.
- H. L. Mencken
Other, Like, Largely, Prophecy
There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor.
- H. L. Mencken
Never, Own, Could, Toothache
Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.
- H. L. Mencken
Faith, May, Improbable, Occurrence
Every election is a sort of advance auction sale of stolen goods.
- H. L. Mencken
Election, Sale, Goods, Stolen
I never lecture, not because I am shy or a bad speaker, but simply because I detest the sort of people who go to lectures and don't want to meet them.
- H. L. Mencken
Shy, Want, Bad, Lectures
God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
- H. L. Mencken
Audience, Comedian, Too, Laugh
Whenever you hear a man speak of his love for his country, it is a sign that he expects to be paid for it.
- H. L. Mencken
Love, Country, Whenever, Expects
Every man sees in his relatives, and especially in his cousins, a series of grotesque caricatures of himself.
- H. L. Mencken
Relationship, Himself, His, Relatives
Opera in English is, in the main, just about as sensible as baseball in Italian.
- H. L. Mencken
Opera, English, About, Sensible
Poetry has done enough when it charms, but prose must also convince.
- H. L. Mencken
Convince, Prose, Must, Charms
The worst government is often the most moral. One composed of cynics is often very tolerant and humane. But when fanatics are on top there is no limit to oppression.
- H. L. Mencken
Very, Tolerant, Humane, No Limit
It is inaccurate to say that I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty, and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible for public office.
- H. L. Mencken
Say, Sense, Makes, Common Sense
I hate all sports as rabidly as a person who likes sports hates common sense.
- H. L. Mencken
Sports, Person, Common, Common Sense
Democracy is only a dream: it should be put in the same category as Arcadia, Santa Claus, and Heaven.
- H. L. Mencken
Democracy, Heaven, Put, Category
The cynics are right nine times out of ten.
- H. L. Mencken
Right, Nine, Times, Cynics
We are here and it is now. Further than that, all human knowledge is moonshine.
- H. L. Mencken
Knowledge, Now, Here, Human Knowledge
An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.
- H. L. Mencken
Soup, Will, Cabbage, Idealist
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
- H. L. Mencken
Flowers, Looks, Smells, Cynic
Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
- H. L. Mencken
Hands, Flag, Normal, Tempted
A bad man is the sort who weeps every time he speaks of a good woman.
- H. L. Mencken
Woman, Bad, Sort, Every Time
No one in this world, so far as I know - and I have searched the records for years, and employed agents to help me - has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people.
- H. L. Mencken
Records, Years, Plain People, Agents
A newspaper is a device for making the ignorant more ignorant and the crazy crazier.
- H. L. Mencken
Newspaper, More, Making, Device
Whenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage they are giving evidence at a coroner's inquest.
- H. L. Mencken
Wife, Husband, Evidence, Discuss
One may no more live in the world without picking up the moral prejudices of the world than one will be able to go to hell without perspiring.
- H. L. Mencken
Will, May, Prejudices, Go To Hell
Immorality: the morality of those who are having a better time.
- H. L. Mencken
Better, Having, Better Time, Immorality
Archbishop - A Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to that attained by Christ.
- H. L. Mencken
Christ, Archbishop, Superior, Attained
Before a man speaks it is always safe to assume that he is a fool. After he speaks, it is seldom necessary to assume it.
- H. L. Mencken
Always, Necessary, Before, Assume
Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.
- H. L. Mencken
Democracy, Form, Also, Worship
A politician is an animal which can sit on a fence and yet keep both ears to the ground.
- H. L. Mencken
Politician, Ears, Which, Sit
A national political campaign is better than the best circus ever heard of, with a mass baptism and a couple of hangings thrown in.
- H. L. Mencken
Political, Couple, Mass, Baptism
Nine times out of ten, in the arts as in life, there is actually no truth to be discovered; there is only error to be exposed.
- H. L. Mencken
Nine, Actually, Times, Exposed
In the duel of sex woman fights from a dreadnought and man from an open raft.
- H. L. Mencken
Woman, Fights, Duel, Open
Women have simple tastes. They get pleasure out of the conversation of children in arms and men in love.
- H. L. Mencken
Love, Women, Tastes, Conversation
A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.
- H. L. Mencken
Law, Student, His, Marks
Judge: a law student who marks his own examination-papers.
- H. L. Mencken
Law, Student, His, Marks
Puritanism. The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
- H. L. Mencken
Someone, May, Haunting, Puritanism
Wealth - any income that is at least one hundred dollars more a year than the income of one's wife's sister's husband.
- H. L. Mencken
Wealth, Income, Hundred, At Least One
In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.
- H. L. Mencken
Thankful, Politics, Always, Rejoice
The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.
- H. L. Mencken
Jury, Six, Months, Laughing
I believe that it is better to tell the truth than a lie. I believe it is better to be free than to be a slave. And I believe it is better to know than to be ignorant.
- H. L. Mencken
Truth, Tell, I Believe That, I Believe
I believe that all government is evil, and that trying to improve it is largely a waste of time.
- H. L. Mencken
Waste, I Believe That, I Believe
I believe in only one thing: liberty; but I do not believe in liberty enough to want to force it upon anyone.
- H. L. Mencken
Believe, Want, One Thing, I Believe
For it is mutual trust, even more than mutual interest that holds human associations together. Our friends seldom profit us but they make us feel safe. Marriage is a scheme to accomplish exactly that same end.
- H. L. Mencken
Trust, Associations, Scheme, Together
Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
- H. L. Mencken
Never, Mother-In-Law, Ends, Visit
All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it.
- H. L. Mencken
Some, Only Difference, Deny, Frauds
The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind.
- H. L. Mencken
Mankind, Most, Occupation, Costly
Giving every man a vote has no more made men wise and free than Christianity has made them good.
- H. L. Mencken
More, Made, Christianity, Vote
The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.
- H. L. Mencken
Wisdom, Grow, Distrust, Doctrine
Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband a month before she marries him and what she thinks of him a year afterward, and you will have the truth about him.
- H. L. Mencken
Anniversary, Woman, Average, Between
The difference between a moral man and a man of honor is that the latter regrets a discreditable act, even when it has worked and he has not been caught.
- H. L. Mencken
Regrets, Caught, Been, Between
No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single.
- H. L. Mencken
Used, Married Man, Genuinely, Whisky
Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.
- H. L. Mencken
Love, Stop, Very, Love Is
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
- H. L. Mencken
Love, Triumph, Over, Love Is
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
- H. L. Mencken
Love, Woman, Delusion, Love Is
Love is an emotion that is based on an opinion of women that is impossible for those who have had any experience with them.
- H. L. Mencken
Love, Impossible, Based, Love Is
Women always excel men in that sort of wisdom which comes from experience. To be a woman is in itself a terrible experience.
- H. L. Mencken
Women, Always, Which, Terrible
A Sunday school is a prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents.
- H. L. Mencken
School, Sunday, Which, Penance
Temptation is an irresistible force at work on a movable body.
- H. L. Mencken
Work, Temptation, Movable, Irresistible
The urge to save humanity is almost always a false front for the urge to rule.
- H. L. Mencken
Always, Save, Almost, Front
Theology is the effort to explain the unknowable in terms of the not worth knowing.
- H. L. Mencken
Knowing, Explain, Terms, Unknowable
Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
- H. L. Mencken
Funny, Broke, Ever, Underestimating
Don't overestimate the decency of the human race.
- H. L. Mencken
Race, Overestimate, Decency, Human Race
A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after that he begins to bunch them.
- H. L. Mencken
Love, Always, Tenderness, First Love
As the arteries grow hard, the heart grows soft.
- H. L. Mencken
Grow, Hard, Grows, Soft
Alimony - the ransom that the happy pay to the devil.
- H. L. Mencken
Happy, Devil, Pay, Alimony
Say what you will about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.
- H. L. Mencken
Funny, Fact, Always, Ten Commandments
The chief contribution of Protestantism to human thought is its massive proof that God is a bore.
- H. L. Mencken
Contribution, Massive, Bore
The basic fact about human existence is not that it is a tragedy, but that it is a bore. It is not so much a war as an endless standing in line.
- H. L. Mencken
Life, Fact, Line, Bore
When a new source of taxation is found it never means, in practice, that the old source is abandoned. It merely means that the politicians have two ways of milking the taxpayer where they had one before.
- H. L. Mencken
Practice, New, Means, Taxpayer
No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes that she were not.
- H. L. Mencken
Woman, Discover, Always, Pleases
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?
- H. L. Mencken
Funny, Marriage, Would, Institution
Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard.
- H. L. Mencken
Deserve, Want, Common, Common People
If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner.
- H. L. Mencken
Politician, Missionaries, Cannibals
One of the most mawkish of human delusions is the notion that friendship should be eternal, or, at all events, life-long, and that any act which puts a term to it is somehow discreditable.
- H. L. Mencken
Friendship, Which, Any, Events
Adultery is the application of democracy to love.
- H. L. Mencken
Love, Adultery, Application, To Love
In war the heroes always outnumber the soldiers ten to one.
- H. L. Mencken
Heroes, Veterans Day, Always, Outnumber
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be married too.
- H. L. Mencken
Marriage, More, Married Men, Bachelors
Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient.
- H. L. Mencken
Good, Never, Merely, Husbands
Honor is simply the morality of superior men.
- H. L. Mencken
Men, Morality, Superior, Simply
It doesn't take a majority to make a rebellion; it takes only a few determined leaders and a sound cause.
- H. L. Mencken
Rebellion, Sound, Take, Determined
Temptation is a woman's weapon and man's excuse.
- H. L. Mencken
Woman, Weapon, Excuse, Temptation
There is a saying in Baltimore that crabs may be prepared in fifty ways and that all of them are good.
- H. L. Mencken
Baltimore, May, Ways, Saying
We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.
- H. L. Mencken
Wife, Other, Extent, Fellow
Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.
- H. L. Mencken
Marriage, Die, Another, Better Time
War will never cease until babies begin to come into the world with larger cerebrums and smaller adrenal glands.
- H. L. Mencken
Peace, Larger, Smaller, Glands
The theory seems to be that as long as a man is a failure he is one of God's children, but that as soon as he succeeds he is taken over by the Devil.
- H. L. Mencken
Devil, Over, Succeeds, Seems
I never smoked a cigarette until I was nine.
- H. L. Mencken
Never, Nine, Cigarette, Smoked
The only really happy folk are married women and single men.
- H. L. Mencken
Women, Happy, Single, Folk
Man is a beautiful machine that works very badly.
- H. L. Mencken
Beautiful, Very, Badly, Machine
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone might be looking.
- H. L. Mencken
Voice, Conscience, Someone, Inner
A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.
- H. L. Mencken
Fool, Know, May, Married
Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the moon.
- H. L. Mencken
People, Think, Over, Equipment
Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage.
- H. L. Mencken
Art, Government, Running, Cage
Time stays, we go.
- H. L. Mencken
Time, Go, Stays
It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place.
- H. L. Mencken
Lie, Believe, Telling, Telling The Truth
Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance.
- H. L. Mencken
Ignorance, Individual, Pathetic
To die for an idea; it is unquestionably noble. But how much nobler it would be if men died for ideas that were true!
- H. L. Mencken
Ideas, Die, Idea, Unquestionably
No man ever quite believes in any other man. One may believe in an idea absolutely, but not in a man.
- H. L. Mencken
Other, Ever, Believes, Absolutely
A professor must have a theory as a dog must have fleas.
- H. L. Mencken
Teacher, Professor, Must, Theory
Morality is the theory that every human act must be either right or wrong, and that 99 % of them are wrong.
- H. L. Mencken
Morality, Act, Either, Theory
I write in order to attain that feeling of tension relieved and function achieved which a cow enjoys on giving milk.
- H. L. Mencken
Tension, I Write, Which, Function
A society made up of individuals who were all capable of original thought would probably be unendurable.
- H. L. Mencken
Thought, Original, Made, Individuals
The only cure for contempt is counter-contempt.
- H. L. Mencken
Only, Cure, Contempt
All government, of course, is against liberty.
- H. L. Mencken
Government, Liberty, Against, Course
Platitude: an idea (a) that is admitted to be true by everyone, and (b) that is not true.
- H. L. Mencken
Be True, Everyone, Idea, Admitted
Life is a dead-end street.
- H. L. Mencken
Life, Life Is A, Street, Dead-End
The opera is to music what a bawdy house is to a cathedral.
- H. L. Mencken
Music, Opera, Cathedral, House
Every man is his own hell.
- H. L. Mencken
Man, Own, His, Every Man
What men value in this world is not rights but privileges.
- H. L. Mencken
Men, World, Privileges, Rights
The chief value of money lies in the fact that one lives in a world in which it is overestimated.
- H. L. Mencken
World, Fact, Which, Lies
We must be willing to pay a price for freedom.
- H. L. Mencken
Freedom, Pay, Willing, Price
Let's not burn the universities yet. After all, the damage they do might be worse.
- H. L. Mencken
Burn, Might, Damage, Universities
Most people want security in this world, not liberty.
- H. L. Mencken
World, Liberty, Most, Security
No matter how long he lives, no man ever becomes as wise as the average woman of forty-eight.
- H. L. Mencken
Wise, How, Ever, Average
Man weeps to think that he will die so soon; woman, that she was born so long ago.
- H. L. Mencken
Woman, Die, Think, Soon
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