Groucho Marx Quotes

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

- Groucho Marx

Weather, Raining, Too, London

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

- Groucho Marx

Path, Cat, Going, Animal

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx

Wedding, Jury, Should, Asked

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

- Groucho Marx

I Wish, Given, Agent, Contract

Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.

- Groucho Marx

Will, Belong, Please, Resignation

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

- Groucho Marx

Funny, Refuse, Would, Club

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

- Groucho Marx

Mind, Head, Over, Club

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

- Groucho Marx

Belong, Like, Accepts, Club

Room service? Send up a larger room.

- Groucho Marx

Service, Larger, Up, Room Service

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

- Groucho Marx

Book, Reading, Laid, Picked

Women should be obscene and not heard.

- Groucho Marx

Women, Should, Heard, Obscene

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

- Groucho Marx

Other, Very, Set, Educating

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

- Groucho Marx

Happiness, Happy, One Day, Events

Go, and never darken my towels again.

- Groucho Marx

Never, Go, Again, Towels

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

- Groucho Marx

Up, Worked, Extreme Poverty, Extreme

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

- Groucho Marx

Me, See, Next, Next Time

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

- Groucho Marx

Funny, Through, Lot, Missing

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

- Groucho Marx

Honesty, Dealing, Made, Fake

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.

- Groucho Marx

Boss, Leaves, His, Early

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

- Groucho Marx

Very Early Age, Confess, Early

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

- Groucho Marx

Death, Die, Trying, Intend

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

- Groucho Marx

Relationship, Kansas City, Relatives

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.

- Groucho Marx

Understand, Could, Tail, Report

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

- Groucho Marx

Medical, Bed, Running, Meter

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

- Groucho Marx

Wedding, Hollywood, Groom, Bouquet

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.

- Groucho Marx

Life, Soul, Bring, Depths

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.

- Groucho Marx

Tell, Other, Taste, Prune

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

- Groucho Marx

Play, Adverse Conditions, Curtain

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

- Groucho Marx

Funny, Someone, Would, Send

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

- Groucho Marx

Marriage, Politics, Does, Bedfellows

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

- Groucho Marx

Politics, Alike, Republicans, All People

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

- Groucho Marx

Forget, Never, Exception, Case

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.

- Groucho Marx

Going, 30 Minutes, Read, Educate

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

- Groucho Marx

Wonderful, Had, Perfectly, Evening

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

- Groucho Marx

Funny, Had, Perfectly, Evening

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

- Groucho Marx

Money, Horse, Like, Hay

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

- Groucho Marx

Morning, Shot, Got, One Morning

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

- Groucho Marx

Like, Again, Before, Hear

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.

- Groucho Marx

Something, Favourite, Tells, September

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

- Groucho Marx

Should, Posterity, Ever, I Care

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

- Groucho Marx

Other, Side, Would, Closer

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

- Groucho Marx

Art, Politics, Incorrectly, Remedies

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.

- Groucho Marx

Him, Yes, Way, Crook

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

- Groucho Marx

Woman, Behind, His, Successful Man

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

- Groucho Marx

Marriage, Wonderful, Wants, Institution

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

- Groucho Marx

Problem, Getting, No Problem, Older

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

- Groucho Marx

People, Enough, Feel, Wives

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

- Groucho Marx

Military, Terms, Contradiction

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

- Groucho Marx

Communication, Me, Quote, Saying

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

- Groucho Marx

Beauty, She, Looks, Surgeon

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.

- Groucho Marx

Mind, New, Everybody, York

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.

- Groucho Marx

Very, Educational, Read, Minute

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

- Groucho Marx

Year, Four, Bet, Glad

I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

- Groucho Marx

Me, Belong, Would, Organization

Humor is reason gone mad.

- Groucho Marx

Humor, Reason, Mad, Gone

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

- Groucho Marx

Pet, Read, Too, Outside

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

- Groucho Marx

Well, Like, Them, Principles

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

- Groucho Marx

Remember, Sex, I Remember, Kept

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

- Groucho Marx

Important, Say, Before, Speak

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

- Groucho Marx

Music, Justice, Military

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

- Groucho Marx

Anatomy, Named, Whoever, Judge

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

- Groucho Marx

Medical, Need, Very, Course

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

- Groucho Marx

You, Why, Had, Horse

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

- Groucho Marx

Never, Marry, Another, Horse

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

- Groucho Marx

Me, Own, Going, Eyes

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

- Groucho Marx

Woman, Pleasure, Always, Smoke

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

- Groucho Marx

Women, His, Does, Fate

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

- Groucho Marx

Been, Had, Given, She

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

- Groucho Marx

Watch, Either, Stopped, Dead

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

- Groucho Marx

Woman, Old, Only, Feels

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