Gordon Neufeld Quotes

Powerful Gordon Neufeld for Daily Growth

About Gordon Neufeld

Gordon Neufeld (born October 14, 1957) is a renowned Canadian child psychologist, family therapist, and author. He was born in Vancouver, British Columbia, and raised in the Lower Mainland region of the province. His early years were significantly influenced by his parents' emphasis on empathy, love, and the importance of understanding others. Neufeld earned his Bachelor of Arts degree from Trinity Western University before pursuing a Master's degree in Psychology at the University of British Columbia. He furthered his studies at the Seattle Pacific University, where he obtained his Doctorate in Clinical Psychology. Throughout his career, Neufeld has worked extensively with children, adolescents, and families, providing therapy and guidance. His work is grounded in attachment theory, developmental psychology, and family systems. In 1994, he co-founded the Neufeld Institute, an organization dedicated to helping parents, educators, and mental health professionals understand and meet the emotional needs of children. Neufeld's major works include "Hold On To Your Kids: Empowering Your Child Without Using Punishments And Rewards" (2004), "Listen, Learn, Love: A Different Way to Parent Today's Struggling Child" (2013), and "Heart of Parenting: Understanding the Needs of Our Children's Hearts" (2016). These books have been translated into multiple languages and are widely regarded as valuable resources for parents and professionals. Neufeld's unique approach to understanding children, their needs, and how they develop has made him a sought-after speaker and author. His work emphasizes empathy, connection, and the importance of meeting a child's developmental needs to foster healthy, loving relationships within families and communities.

Interpretations of Popular Quotes

"The job of a parent is not to control the child's behavior, but to teach the child to self-regulate."

This quote emphasizes that parents should educate their children on how to manage their own behaviors and emotions rather than relying solely on external controls or punishments. The goal is to raise self-reliant individuals who can navigate life's challenges effectively, fostering personal growth, independence, and maturity.


"When children feel deeply understood, they are much more likely to listen to us than when we simply impose our will upon them."

This quote by Gordon Neufeld emphasizes the importance of empathy in effective communication with children. By understanding their feelings, thoughts, and perspectives, parents and caregivers can foster a closer relationship, making children more receptive to guidance and instruction. When children feel truly heard, they are more likely to trust and cooperate with adults, reducing the need for coercion or imposition of will. This approach not only promotes healthy child development but also strengthens familial bonds.


"Discipline is not about punishment; it's about teaching a child how to behave responsibly."

Gordon Neufeld suggests that discipline is not solely about imposing penalties for misbehavior, but rather, it involves teaching children the skills and values necessary to act responsibly. This perspective emphasizes the importance of guiding children toward positive behavior, fostering their emotional intelligence, and nurturing a sense of personal responsibility, as opposed to simply enforcing rules or punishing them for wrongdoings.


"A child who feels heard and understood is much less likely to act out in disrespectful or hurtful ways."

This quote emphasizes that children who feel their emotions, thoughts, and experiences are valued and understood are less likely to resort to disruptive or harmful behaviors as a means of expressing themselves. When children experience empathetic listening, they develop a sense of emotional safety and connection, which fosters self-regulation and respectful communication. This, in turn, helps them build healthy relationships and navigate life's challenges more effectively.


"The task of the parent is not to fill up the child with facts, but to kindle within him or her the passion for exploring the world."

This quote emphasizes that a parent's role extends beyond mere knowledge transfer; instead, they should instill in their children an intrinsic desire to learn. It suggests that parents should foster curiosity, independence, and a love for discovery within their kids, rather than simply filling their minds with facts and information. The goal is to nurture self-driven learners who are passionate about understanding the world around them.


Many people think that discipline is the essence of parenting. But that isn't parenting. Parenting is not telling your child what to do when he or she misbehaves. Parenting is providing the conditions in which a child can realize his or her full human potential.

- Gordon Neufeld

Think, Telling, Which, Your Child

Peer attachments are not the problem themselves. It's when they compete with adult attachments that the problems emerge. It's just like when siblings get attached to each other. If they start revolving around each other, then the parents can't do anything with them because it's a competing attachment.

- Gordon Neufeld

Compete, Other, Around, Attached

Digital intimacy ruins the appetite for the real thing. So, when kids are gaming or even when spouses are gaming, they lose their appetite for genuine intimacy. Kids lose their appetite for getting their intimacy needs, their hunger for significance and attachment, with the family, and it erodes the relationship between them and their parents.

- Gordon Neufeld

Intimacy, Getting, Significance

We have lost sight of nature's role in the whole process of maturation and growing up. Parents and nature are a team. And nature can't go on without the parental role of being able to foster individuality and viability unless the attachment needs are fully met.

- Gordon Neufeld

Role, Without, Whole, Viability

I started my career in parent education with the idea that we needed to let our kids go. I believed that parents were suffocating for their children. There was no room for individuality and personhood.

- Gordon Neufeld

Parent, Career, Suffocating, Personhood

Parents are the designated caregivers and are best suited for being able to raise children.

- Gordon Neufeld

Children, Able, Raise, Suited

It is a parent's responsibility to preserve the connection with their children, to preserve the relationship, so that the children can let go and become their own selves.

- Gordon Neufeld

Parent, Own, Go, Let Go

Children need to trust and depend upon those who are responsible for them.

- Gordon Neufeld

Trust, Children, Depend, Responsible

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