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Gilbert Gottfried Quotes

Powerful Gilbert Gottfried for Daily Growth

I understand being less sexy than Osama bin Laden, but not less sexy than Carrot Top. That, I find offensive.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Sexy, Offensive, Carrot Top, Bin

A landlord is showing a couple around an apartment. The husband looks up and says, 'Wait a minute. This apartment doesn't have a ceiling.' The landlord answers, 'That's OK. The people upstairs don't walk around that much.'

- Gilbert Gottfried

Wait, Landlord, Couple, Ceiling

I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but I had a bad habit of dropping things.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Habit, Bad, Wanted, Dropping

With the Internet, if you erase something it just means you have to spend another half-minute to find it.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Find, Means, Spend, Erase

I've never understood people who say they're not a practicing Jew. You never hear a black guy say he's not a practicing African-American. What does it even mean?

- Gilbert Gottfried

Black, Say, Practicing, African-American

Reality TV has totally destroyed soap operas. They're gone. They used to be the biggest thing in the world - they're gone.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Used, TV, Operas, Soap Operas

No, generally I think influence is used as a nice word for plagiarism.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Think, Used, I Think, Plagiarism

I have always felt comedy and tragedy are roommates. If you look up comedy and tragedy, you will find a very old picture of two masks. One mask is tragedy. It looks like it's crying. The other mask is comedy. It looks like it's laughing. Nowadays, we would say, 'How tasteless and insensitive. A comedy mask is laughing at a tragedy mask.'

- Gilbert Gottfried

Other, Very, Insensitive, Crying

With me, traveling for work is arriving at the airport, checking into the hotel, leaving the hotel the next morning at 4 or 5 to do something like 'The Jimmy and Jackie Captain Crazy Morning Zoo,' doing a bunch of those in a row, then going back to the hotel, and then finally going to the club.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Next, Checking, Next Morning, Jackie

I was Jewish, through and through, although in our house that didn't mean a whole lot. We never went to synagogue. I never had a Bar Mitzvah. We didn't keep kosher or observe the Sabbath. In fact, I'm not so sure I would have known what the Sabbath looked like if it passed me on the street, so how could I observe it?

- Gilbert Gottfried

Fact, Through, Sabbath, Synagogue

If a comedian tells a joke that you find funny, you laugh. If he tells a joke you do not find funny, don't laugh. Or you could possibly go as far as groaning or rolling your eyes. Then you wait for his next joke; if that's funny, then you laugh. If it's not, you don't laugh - or at very worst, you can leave quietly.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Wait, Next, Very, Joke

I remember being at the premiere of 'Beverly Hills Cop II' and the tremendous reaction from the crowd outside, then going to a party at a hotel afterwards where the speakers were blasting 'Shakedown,' a song from the movie. That felt like a show biz moment to me.

- Gilbert Gottfried

I Remember, Movie, Cop, Blasting

Unfortunately, I've never been mistaken as Johnny Depp.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Never, Been, Johnny, None

I was the class podiatrist. I never made it to class clown. I wasn't funny enough. I would examine feet and prescribe and ointment. It was a sad childhood.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Childhood, Feet, Examine, Prescribe

When you watch Robin Williams, you can see a lot of Jonathan Winters. Robin is the first one to admit that; he worshiped Jonathan Winters.

- Gilbert Gottfried

First One, Robin, Lot, Jonathan

I found out about Jonathan Winters' death a day after it happened. That seems wrong. A talent like his should be more revered. The world knew about Kim Kardashian's divorce before she did.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Death, Before, About, Jonathan

I guess if they ever do a remake of 'Sophie's Choice,' I could play the Meryl Streep part. I've got to work on my Polish accent. Maybe I'll be the definitive King Lear one day. You know, if they ever feel that King Lear should be more Jewy.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Play, King Lear, Meryl, Definitive

I always wish the hotels were like they are in movies and TV shows, where if you're in Paris, right outside your window is the Eiffel Tower. In Egypt, the pyramids are right there. In the movies, every hotel has a monument right outside your window. My hotel rooms overlook the garbage dumpster in the back alley.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Eiffel Tower, TV, Rooms, Overlook

I'd like to have a kid, but I'd probably get a Frank Sinatra Jr. instead of a Gilbert Gottfried Jr. I'd totally screw up like that.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Like, Frank, Gilbert, None

A lot of people who claim they're political comedians are just comedians who have opinions. But they stop being funny the minute they give their opinions.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Political, Give, Being Funny, Claim

I would show up at a party for Al Qaeda if you said there's going to be a dinner.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Going, Show, Al, Qaeda

I'm a very anti-vacation person. Because I'm always getting on planes for work, to me, a vacation is when I don't have to get on a plane.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Always, Very, Plane, Vacation

I changed the face of comedy. I used to be funny.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Face, Comedy, Used, Changed

I'd make Jack Benny look like a philanthropist.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Like, Benny, Philanthropist, None

I'm one of those people, in any country I'm in, if somebody could just put me in a car or a bus, I'll look out the window and say, 'OK, there's the Tower of London, there's Buckingham Palace, there's Big Ben,' and if it all takes about five minutes, perfect. I've seen all of it and I can go home.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Bus, Big, Country, OK

If you're a lead actor, people are just waiting to say 'you're too old' or 'you're too unhip.' If you're a supporting actor, you can just work forever.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Work, Waiting, Old, Supporting

I think of Alan Thicke as Perry Como without the excitement.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Think, Excitement, I Think, Alan

Every time I give a straight answer and read it in a magazine, I say, 'Ouch.' One day I'd like to talk to a psychoanalyst about why celebrities reveal so much of themselves in interviews.

- Gilbert Gottfried

One Day, Reveal, About, Every Time

My family originally lived in Brooklyn. Our first apartment was a little place above my father and uncle's hardware store in Coney Island. Now, don't get the impression that we were surrounded by merry-go-rounds, roller coasters and Ferris wheels. Nope, this was a little side street.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Father, Wheels, Surrounded, Roller

Off-camera, I sound like Perry Como.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Sound, Like, Perry

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