Gilbert Gottfried Quotes

Powerful Gilbert Gottfried for Daily Growth

About Gilbert Gottfried

Gilbert Gottfried (April 28, 1955 –) is an American stand-up comedian, actor, and voice actor, known for his distinctive, high-pitched voice and offbeat, absurdist humor. Born in Brooklyn, New York to Jewish parents, he developed a love for comedy at an early age and began performing stand-up while still in college. Gottfried's career gained momentum in the 1980s when he became a regular on MTV, appearing on shows like "Club MTV" and "All New Music Video Show." However, it was his role as Abe Vigoda's irritating agent in the soap opera spoof "Saturday Night Live's" "The Coneheads" that truly brought him to national attention. In the 1990s, Gottfried voiced the parrot Iago in Disney's "Aladdin" and its sequel, a role that would become one of his most iconic performances. He also had a recurring role as J.P. Patches on ABC's "Twin Peaks." Gottfried is known for his provocative sense of humor and his willingness to push boundaries. This has often landed him in controversy, such as during the 9/11 tragedy when he made insensitive jokes about the event, leading to his dismissal from the Aflac duck advertising campaign. Despite this, Gottfried continues to be a prominent figure in comedy, with numerous stand-up specials and appearances on late-night talk shows. He has also written several books, including "I'm Dreaming of a Black Christmas" and " Rubber Balls and Liquor: The Gilbert Gottfried Story." Gottfried's influence can be seen in the work of many contemporary comedians who have adopted a similar absurdist, unapologetic style. His unique brand of humor continues to entertain and provoke audiences worldwide.

Interpretations of Popular Quotes

"I'm a pessimist because of my education."

This quote suggests that Gilbert Gottfried, known for his sarcastic humor, is stating that his academic background or experiences have shaped him into a person with a negative outlook (pessimism). It could be inferred that he believes education, perhaps due to the exposure to complex issues and harsh realities, has influenced his perspective on life and its circumstances. However, it's important to note that humor often adds layers of interpretation, so this statement may also be a humorous commentary on the perceived gloomy nature of formal education compared to an optimistic or carefree outlook on life.

"I've had five wives. Ah, marriage... where you pay a fortune for the privilege of losing everything."

This quote by Gilbert Gottfried humorously expresses his perspective on marriage as an expensive endeavor that may result in personal losses or sacrifices, particularly financially. The use of "pay a fortune" suggests a high cost, while "losing everything" implies the potential for significant personal loss, which could be referring to the division of assets, emotional investment, or even personal identity during a marriage. Overall, Gottfried's words convey a witty observation about the financial and emotional risks associated with marriage.

"I was thrown out of nursery school because I was too smart for the two-year-olds."

The quote suggests that Gilbert Gottfried, a well-known comedian, was expelled from nursery school due to his exceptional intelligence that made him stand out among other two-year-olds who were less advanced intellectually. It implies that he was not appropriately challenged in the environment and possibly caused disruption because of his superior cognitive abilities. This anecdote could also suggest that Gottfried's unique humor and quick wit might have been a manifestation of this early intellectual prowess.

"If you're going to try to save the planet, at least wait until the end of the month."

Gilbert Gottfried's quote humorously suggests a delay in environmental efforts for financial reasons, implying that people might prioritize personal expenses over planetary preservation. It subtly criticizes the common human tendency to procrastinate on issues that require long-term sacrifice but offer little immediate gain.

"I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals; I'm a vegetarian because I don't love vegetables."

This quote suggests that Gilbert Gottfried identifies as a vegetarian not due to an affection for animals, but rather out of dislike towards vegetables. In other words, his choice is based on personal preference rather than ethical or compassionate considerations.

I understand being less sexy than Osama bin Laden, but not less sexy than Carrot Top. That, I find offensive.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Sexy, Offensive, Carrot Top, Bin

A landlord is showing a couple around an apartment. The husband looks up and says, 'Wait a minute. This apartment doesn't have a ceiling.' The landlord answers, 'That's OK. The people upstairs don't walk around that much.'

- Gilbert Gottfried

Wait, Landlord, Couple, Ceiling

I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but I had a bad habit of dropping things.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Habit, Bad, Wanted, Dropping

With the Internet, if you erase something it just means you have to spend another half-minute to find it.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Find, Means, Spend, Erase

I've never understood people who say they're not a practicing Jew. You never hear a black guy say he's not a practicing African-American. What does it even mean?

- Gilbert Gottfried

Black, Say, Practicing, African-American

Reality TV has totally destroyed soap operas. They're gone. They used to be the biggest thing in the world - they're gone.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Used, TV, Operas, Soap Operas

No, generally I think influence is used as a nice word for plagiarism.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Think, Used, I Think, Plagiarism

I have always felt comedy and tragedy are roommates. If you look up comedy and tragedy, you will find a very old picture of two masks. One mask is tragedy. It looks like it's crying. The other mask is comedy. It looks like it's laughing. Nowadays, we would say, 'How tasteless and insensitive. A comedy mask is laughing at a tragedy mask.'

- Gilbert Gottfried

Other, Very, Insensitive, Crying

With me, traveling for work is arriving at the airport, checking into the hotel, leaving the hotel the next morning at 4 or 5 to do something like 'The Jimmy and Jackie Captain Crazy Morning Zoo,' doing a bunch of those in a row, then going back to the hotel, and then finally going to the club.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Next, Checking, Next Morning, Jackie

I was Jewish, through and through, although in our house that didn't mean a whole lot. We never went to synagogue. I never had a Bar Mitzvah. We didn't keep kosher or observe the Sabbath. In fact, I'm not so sure I would have known what the Sabbath looked like if it passed me on the street, so how could I observe it?

- Gilbert Gottfried

Fact, Through, Sabbath, Synagogue

If a comedian tells a joke that you find funny, you laugh. If he tells a joke you do not find funny, don't laugh. Or you could possibly go as far as groaning or rolling your eyes. Then you wait for his next joke; if that's funny, then you laugh. If it's not, you don't laugh - or at very worst, you can leave quietly.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Wait, Next, Very, Joke

I remember being at the premiere of 'Beverly Hills Cop II' and the tremendous reaction from the crowd outside, then going to a party at a hotel afterwards where the speakers were blasting 'Shakedown,' a song from the movie. That felt like a show biz moment to me.

- Gilbert Gottfried

I Remember, Movie, Cop, Blasting

Unfortunately, I've never been mistaken as Johnny Depp.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Never, Been, Johnny, None

I was the class podiatrist. I never made it to class clown. I wasn't funny enough. I would examine feet and prescribe and ointment. It was a sad childhood.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Childhood, Feet, Examine, Prescribe

When you watch Robin Williams, you can see a lot of Jonathan Winters. Robin is the first one to admit that; he worshiped Jonathan Winters.

- Gilbert Gottfried

First One, Robin, Lot, Jonathan

I found out about Jonathan Winters' death a day after it happened. That seems wrong. A talent like his should be more revered. The world knew about Kim Kardashian's divorce before she did.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Death, Before, About, Jonathan

I guess if they ever do a remake of 'Sophie's Choice,' I could play the Meryl Streep part. I've got to work on my Polish accent. Maybe I'll be the definitive King Lear one day. You know, if they ever feel that King Lear should be more Jewy.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Play, King Lear, Meryl, Definitive

I always wish the hotels were like they are in movies and TV shows, where if you're in Paris, right outside your window is the Eiffel Tower. In Egypt, the pyramids are right there. In the movies, every hotel has a monument right outside your window. My hotel rooms overlook the garbage dumpster in the back alley.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Eiffel Tower, TV, Rooms, Overlook

I'd like to have a kid, but I'd probably get a Frank Sinatra Jr. instead of a Gilbert Gottfried Jr. I'd totally screw up like that.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Like, Frank, Gilbert, None

A lot of people who claim they're political comedians are just comedians who have opinions. But they stop being funny the minute they give their opinions.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Political, Give, Being Funny, Claim

I would show up at a party for Al Qaeda if you said there's going to be a dinner.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Going, Show, Al, Qaeda

I'm a very anti-vacation person. Because I'm always getting on planes for work, to me, a vacation is when I don't have to get on a plane.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Always, Very, Plane, Vacation

I changed the face of comedy. I used to be funny.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Face, Comedy, Used, Changed

I'd make Jack Benny look like a philanthropist.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Like, Benny, Philanthropist, None

I'm one of those people, in any country I'm in, if somebody could just put me in a car or a bus, I'll look out the window and say, 'OK, there's the Tower of London, there's Buckingham Palace, there's Big Ben,' and if it all takes about five minutes, perfect. I've seen all of it and I can go home.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Bus, Big, Country, OK

If you're a lead actor, people are just waiting to say 'you're too old' or 'you're too unhip.' If you're a supporting actor, you can just work forever.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Work, Waiting, Old, Supporting

I think of Alan Thicke as Perry Como without the excitement.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Think, Excitement, I Think, Alan

Every time I give a straight answer and read it in a magazine, I say, 'Ouch.' One day I'd like to talk to a psychoanalyst about why celebrities reveal so much of themselves in interviews.

- Gilbert Gottfried

One Day, Reveal, About, Every Time

My family originally lived in Brooklyn. Our first apartment was a little place above my father and uncle's hardware store in Coney Island. Now, don't get the impression that we were surrounded by merry-go-rounds, roller coasters and Ferris wheels. Nope, this was a little side street.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Father, Wheels, Surrounded, Roller

Off-camera, I sound like Perry Como.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Sound, Like, Perry

There are times when I've had ideas walking down the street that I thought were great, and the minute I got onstage, I would think of them and go, 'Wow, that would never work,' even before I did it in front of the audience.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Thought, Before, Had, Wow

The 'Phoenix Sun' did a list of the unsexiest men in the world, and I made it to number one. I beat out Bin Laden. He's a terrorist, hasn't bathed in months. I beat him out. To me it was a great honor.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Made, Months, Bin, Phoenix

If the police ever try to pick me up, Michael Jackson told me I can hide out at his house.

- Gilbert Gottfried

House, I Can, Out, None

I'm used to explaining to people why my jokes were funny.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Why, Were, Explaining, Jokes

I always feel that most political jokes, if you're going to do them, you have to do them within the next five minutes, or else they're outdated. By the time you've got it to the point that it's strong, it would be 12 years old.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Strong, Next, By The Time, Jokes

Some comedians tell nice jokes that you can tell to your kids. Some use bad words - they work 'blue.' If you don't want to hear a joke that's blue, you shouldn't go to a comedy club where a comedian who makes blue jokes is performing.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Bad, Some, Use, Jokes

The joy of the roasts is to watch people get hurt and offended, and then have to laugh to pretend they're a good sport.

- Gilbert Gottfried

People, Offended, Then, Laugh

I used to go to the Improvisation Comedy Club every night in Times Square. How I didn't get killed in that area either means that 1) God is watching over me or 2) I am so insignificant to God that he didn't bother having me killed.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Used, Insignificant, Comedy Club

Back when Jerry Seinfeld was just another comedian hanging around the clubs, I'd imitate him to amuse myself and the other comics. The club owners would say, 'What are you doing that for? Nobody knows him.'

- Gilbert Gottfried

Doing, Other, Another, Jerry

I'm known for my slightly inappropriate remarks.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Slightly, Known, Remarks, Inappropriate

If I could cause world peace by taking someone out to lunch, I'd go, 'Well, war isn't that terrible.'

- Gilbert Gottfried

Lunch, World Peace, Could, Terrible

I'm terrible when I have to fill up free time. My days, if I'm not working, I wake up and figure out a way to kill time until it's time to go to sleep.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Wake Up, Go, Figure, Terrible

My Bubbie lived to 104, which is probably a little too old to consider a ripe old age, because she had already started to turn. I still say she died young.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Young, Still, Which, Ripe

In real life I'm a tall, blond Christian.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Christian, Real, Real Life, Tall

I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Relationship, Kind, Less, Platonic

One thing I can take credit for, along with the rest of show business, is when the red ribbons were out, we cured AIDS. Any advancements that came towards fighting AIDS were not done by scientists or doctors - it was people with little ribbons on their lapels.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Fighting, I Can, Show, Credit

Comedy historians take note: this Gottfried character doesn't have the best eye for detail - and, for a Jew, he doesn't have the best eye for retail, either.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Comedy, Historians, Note, Retail

The pressure to being a comedian is being funny, but I've given that up, so there is no pressure whatsoever.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Comedian, Whatsoever, Given, No Pressure

There are certain things I don't want to joke about. If it's about somebody else, it's fine. If it's about me, I think it's totally insensitive!

- Gilbert Gottfried

Think, Want, I Think, Joke

People have many theories about comedy, but being just plain funny is the one most important thing.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Comedy, Important Thing, Plain

I just don't accept midgets as human beings. There's only so much political correctness I can accept.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Political, Correctness, Beings

Well, I'm eventually gonna take the Daryl Hannah parts.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Take, Hannah, Gonna, Parts

If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Better, Lot, Tastes, Paying

There definitely is exposure in reality shows, but the exposure will basically get you more reality shows.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Shows, Exposure, Definitely, Reality Shows

I find Washington audiences are basically the same as every other audience; they watch me and go, 'Who's idea was it to go see him? And is it too late to ask for my money back?'

- Gilbert Gottfried

Too Late, Audience, Other, Audiences

I always try to avoid anything that has to do with my life.

- Gilbert Gottfried

My Life, Try, Always, Avoid

I'm one of those people that picks up the remote control and just keep hitting constantly, even if I like the show I'm watching.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Like, Show, Picks, Hitting

I don't know if I change my act from century to century. Sometimes I'm onstage doing imitations and references to people who have been dead for 50 years.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Doing, References, Been, Onstage

I predict one of these two teams will win the Super Bowl.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Will, Teams, Super, Super Bowl

Well, I play Jews and parrots. Parrots are how I've branched out.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Play, How, Well, Jews

Any misfortune that happens to another person is funny. If it happens to someone else and not me, it's very funny.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Person, Someone, Very, Misfortune

I think a lot of people have too much time on their hands.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Think, I Think, Lot, Too Much

You never know what people will choose to be offended by.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Never, Know, Will, Offended

Nothing can help my comedy.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Help, Nothing, Comedy

I've never been one of those who wanted to fill my calendar up 90 percent of the time.

- Gilbert Gottfried

Percent, Been, Fill, Calendar

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