Fran Lebowitz Quotes

Do not, on a rainy day, ask your child what he feels like doing, because I assure you that what he feels like doing, you won't feel like watching.

- Fran Lebowitz

Doing, Like, Feels, Your Child

My favorite animal is steak.

- Fran Lebowitz

Food, Steak, Favorite, Animal

Never relinquish clothing to a hotel valet without first specifically telling him that you want it back.

- Fran Lebowitz

Want, Back, Telling, Clothing

Contrary to popular opinion, the hustle is not a new dance step - it is an old business procedure.

- Fran Lebowitz

Business, New, Old, Popular Opinion

You can't go around hoping that most people have sterling moral characters. The most you can hope for is that people will pretend that they do.

- Fran Lebowitz

Hope, Will, Go, Sterling

If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.

- Fran Lebowitz

Evidence, Louder, Poetic, Sufficient

I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.

- Fran Lebowitz

Play, Calculation, Identical, Chances

Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine.

- Fran Lebowitz

Great, Small, Average People, Small People

Having been unpopular in high school is not just cause for book publications.

- Fran Lebowitz

High, Been, Having, Publications

Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women, it is simply a good excuse not to play football.

- Fran Lebowitz

Play, Aspiring, Actual, Play Football

Romantic love is mental illness. But it's a pleasurable one. It's a drug. It distorts reality, and that's the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw.

- Fran Lebowitz

Love, Romantic, Impossible, Love Is

You're only as good as your last haircut.

- Fran Lebowitz

Funny, Only, Last, Haircut

Scientists - the crowd that for dash and style make the general public look like the Bloomsbury set.

- Fran Lebowitz

General, Set, Public, General Public

Calling a taxi in Texas is like calling a rabbi in Iraq.

- Fran Lebowitz

Like, Taxi, Calling, Rabbi

No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.

- Fran Lebowitz

Own, Hold, Ever, Conversation

If you are truly serious abut preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract teach him to deduct.

- Fran Lebowitz

Teach, Your Child, Your, Subtract

Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.

- Fran Lebowitz

Nature, Argued, Large, Chairs

Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast, the disk jockey is not allowed to talk.

- Fran Lebowitz

News, Fact, Broadcast, Bearable

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.

- Fran Lebowitz

Pet, Owner, Tail, Sweater

The conversational overachiever is someone whose grasp exceeds his reach. This is possible but not attractive.

- Fran Lebowitz

Attractive, Grasp, His, Conversational

Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

- Fran Lebowitz

Your, Remain, Refusal, Algebra

In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

- Fran Lebowitz

Real, Real Life, Assure, Algebra

My desire to curtail undue freedom of speech extends only to such public areas as restaurants, airports, streets, hotel lobbies, parks, and department stores. Verbal exchanges between consenting adults in private are as of little interest to me as they probably are to them.

- Fran Lebowitz

Streets, Private, Parks, Department

Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met.

- Fran Lebowitz

Thought, Original, Like, Possibly

As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

- Fran Lebowitz

Teen, Will, Last, Teenager

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you.

- Fran Lebowitz

Happy, Will, Last, Teenager

Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky.

- Fran Lebowitz

Washed, Tend, Even, Sticky

Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try.

- Fran Lebowitz

Book, Would, Even, Life Story

Polite conversation is rarely either.

- Fran Lebowitz

Communication, Polite, Conversation

Andy Warhol made fame more famous.

- Fran Lebowitz

Famous, Made, Warhol, None

Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable.

- Fran Lebowitz

Success, Always, Been, Insufferable

I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota.

- Fran Lebowitz

Consciousness, Took, Iota

Children are the most desirable opponents at scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.

- Fran Lebowitz

Children, Cheat, Most, Scrabble

I place a high moral value on the way people behave. I find it repellent to have a lot, and to behave with anything other than courtesy in the old sense of the word - politeness of the heart, a gentleness of the spirit.

- Fran Lebowitz

Spirit, Old, Other, Courtesy

I never met anyone who didn't have a very smart child. What happens to these children, you wonder, when they reach adulthood?

- Fran Lebowitz

Reach, Adulthood, Very, Wonder

Very few people possess true artistic ability. It is therefore both unseemly and unproductive to irritate the situation by making an effort. If you have a burning, restless urge to write or paint, simply eat something sweet and the feeling will pass.

- Fran Lebowitz

Art, Restless, Very, Situation

I must take issue with the term 'a mere child', for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult.

- Fran Lebowitz

Been, Infinitely, Issue, Preferable

Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat.

- Fran Lebowitz

Purpose, Interesting, Cut, Meat

Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add.

- Fran Lebowitz

Small, Add, Discussing, Rarely

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.

- Fran Lebowitz

Your Child, Ask, Only, Dinner

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

- Fran Lebowitz

Funny, Important, Part, Balanced Diet

There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behavior.

- Fran Lebowitz

Death, Prove, Otherwise, Inner Peace

Designer clothes worn by children are like snowsuits worn by adults. Few can carry it off successfully.

- Fran Lebowitz

Children, Successfully, Worn, Clothes

When you leave New York, you are astonished at how clean the rest of the world is. Clean is not enough.

- Fran Lebowitz

Rest, Enough, New, York

To put it rather bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel.

- Fran Lebowitz

Go, Back, Rather, Hotel

All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.

- Fran Lebowitz

Beautiful, Fact, Most, Barely

In the Soviet Union, capitalism triumphed over communism. In this country, capitalism triumphed over democracy.

- Fran Lebowitz

Country, Over, Soviet Union, Triumphed

Humility is no substitute for a good personality.

- Fran Lebowitz

Good, Humility, Personality, Substitute

The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink.

- Fran Lebowitz

Offer, Having, Good Way, Talk

Nothing succeeds like address.

- Fran Lebowitz

Nothing, Like, Address, Succeeds

I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not.

- Fran Lebowitz

Play, Same, Figure, Lottery

Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.

- Fran Lebowitz

Life, Something, Get, Sleep

The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.

- Fran Lebowitz

Listening, Talking, Opposite, Waiting

If you're going to America, bring your own food.

- Fran Lebowitz

Food, Own, Going, Bring

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