Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.
- Erma Bombeck
Mother, Mom, Certainly, Little League
Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
- Erma Bombeck
Success, Other, Confuse, Madonna
When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.
- Erma Bombeck
Mom, Advice, Going, Answer
Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.
- Erma Bombeck
Small, Over, Over It, Brown
What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?
- Erma Bombeck
Somewhere, Your, Chest, Asked
Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids.
- Erma Bombeck
Mom, Drop, Rooms, Dishes
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
- Erma Bombeck
Reason, Breathing, Could, Jogging
A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.
- Erma Bombeck
Grandmother, She, Know, Halloween
For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.
- Erma Bombeck
Marriage, Been, Symbol, Temptation
House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.
- Erma Bombeck
Bad, Regarded, Too, Guests
Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.
- Erma Bombeck
Car, Improve, Onion, Rings
There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
- Erma Bombeck
Pain, Humor, Tragedy, Hurt
Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.
- Erma Bombeck
Food, Politics, Brought, Family Planning
If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
- Erma Bombeck
Sports, Watches, Dead, Legally
I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.
- Erma Bombeck
Lucky, Through, Wear, Realizing
It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
- Erma Bombeck
Mother, Mom, Judgment, Slowly
I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.
- Erma Bombeck
Woman, Will, Buy, Accent
I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.
- Erma Bombeck
Give, Feminine, May, Graceful
Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.
- Erma Bombeck
Work, Being, Occupation, Thirteen
When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.
- Erma Bombeck
Doing, Nothing, Barking, Locked
No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.
- Erma Bombeck
Sick, Bed, Died, Remake
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
- Erma Bombeck
Bed, Being, Hitting, Faint
I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
- Erma Bombeck
Food, Gravy, Considered, Beverage
Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.
- Erma Bombeck
Dreams, Only, Owner, Dreamers
I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.
- Erma Bombeck
Woman, Lunch, My Life, Affairs
Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.
- Erma Bombeck
Thanksgiving, Consumed, Coincidence
Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.
- Erma Bombeck
Never, Themselves, Take, Humorists
In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
- Erma Bombeck
Two, Bracelet, Total, Decades
Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.
- Erma Bombeck
Strength, Own, Weight, Bathtub
Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.
- Erma Bombeck
Me, Pastime, Some, National Pastime
I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up.
- Erma Bombeck
Mind, Will, Like, Blow
I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.
- Erma Bombeck
Security, Paper, Route, Affair
Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.
- Erma Bombeck
Like, Steal, Would, Shopping
Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.
- Erma Bombeck
Business, Boxes, Receive, Twenty
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
- Erma Bombeck
Never, Ever, Piece, Luggage
If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.
- Erma Bombeck
Better, You, Make, Laugh
Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.
- Erma Bombeck
Graduation, Think, Will, Graduated
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?
- Erma Bombeck
Door, Cares, Item, Block
I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
- Erma Bombeck
Fitness, Them, Followed, Thin
I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.
- Erma Bombeck
Die, Obituaries, Wrote, Terrible
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck
Marriage, Car, Go, Battery
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
- Erma Bombeck
Parenting, Never, Given, Lend
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
- Erma Bombeck
Wait, Always, Out, Bathroom
Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.
- Erma Bombeck
Food, Spice, Buried, Spices
A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.
- Erma Bombeck
Birthday, Never, His, Defends
All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
- Erma Bombeck
Test, Them, Lives, Taking
Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.
- Erma Bombeck
Car, Automobile, Designers, Outlast
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
- Erma Bombeck
Funny, Gift, Guilt, Keeps
Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.
- Erma Bombeck
Book, Medical, Like, Resigning
Never order food in excess of your body weight.
- Erma Bombeck
Food, Never, Weight, Excess
There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
- Erma Bombeck
World, Nothing, Than, Awake
How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?
- Erma Bombeck
Week, Next, How, Sale
People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.
- Erma Bombeck
Grow, Allow, Shop, Care
On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.
- Erma Bombeck
Occupy, Keeping, Bodies, Vacations
Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it.
- Erma Bombeck
Asking, Other, Critical, Publicly
There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it.
- Erma Bombeck
Water, Measured, Measuring, Wrong
When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.
- Erma Bombeck
Life, My Life, Before, Gave
There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.
- Erma Bombeck
World, Passport, Like, Paradise
Never have more children than you have car windows.
- Erma Bombeck
Funny, Children, Never, Windows
It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.
- Erma Bombeck
Car, Children, Never, Windows
Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.
- Erma Bombeck
Design, Figure, Designers, Flunked
It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
- Erma Bombeck
Dreams, Someone, Lot, Your Dreams
In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.
- Erma Bombeck
Children, General, Refuse
One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.
- Erma Bombeck
Rest, Drop, Raising, He Or She
A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest.
- Erma Bombeck
She, Will, Old, Priest
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
- Erma Bombeck
Friend, Diet, Go, Fat
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
- Erma Bombeck
Medical, Doctor, Never, Died
I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'
- Erma Bombeck
Very, Raising, Rooms, Each
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
- Erma Bombeck
Never, Drink, Accept
There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M.
- Erma Bombeck
Body, One Thing, Figure, Taught
For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.
- Erma Bombeck
Some, Most, Lasts, Marriages
Children make your life important.
- Erma Bombeck
Important, Your, Make, Children
Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.
- Erma Bombeck
Grown, Most, Until, Entertaining
God created man, but I could do better.
- Erma Bombeck
Man, Better, Could, Created
When humor goes, there goes civilization.
- Erma Bombeck
Humor, Goes, Civilization
Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.
- Erma Bombeck
You, Will, Right, Housework
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