Elayne Boosler Quotes

Calgary wins for my coldest New Year's Eve gig. That's when I learned Fahrenheit and Celsius cross at 40 below. I could see callers' breath coming out of my phone.

- Elayne Boosler

New, Year, Wins, Gig

My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions.

- Elayne Boosler

Years, Wandered, Times, Forty Years

I have no complaints about losing money I put in high-risk investments. I did some of that when I had real money; my informed choice, my measured gamble.

- Elayne Boosler

Some, Informed, Measured, Investments

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

- Elayne Boosler

Mom, Jesus, Mothers, Vatican

Why isn't the movie industry forced to open its shooting locations to an organization that is there to advocate for animal actors? The industry isn't allowed to pick and choose which movies using young children it will or won't allow to be monitored. The vulnerable should be protected.

- Elayne Boosler

Young, Movie, Allow, Pick And Choose

When I played the Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas on New Year's Eve, I got to bring Wiley, my 85-pound black lab. He's responsible for my favorite New Year's memory of all: At the end of the show, he ran onstage and then out across all the tables in the showroom, sending champagne glasses and gamblers flying.

- Elayne Boosler

Memory, Las Vegas, Gamblers, Eve

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

- Elayne Boosler

Funny, Door, Other, Locks

I never minded flying cheap. I always said to myself, 'Taking this flight saves enough money to rescue four dogs, or six cats, or will let me make a difference to the one woman saving chimps in Cameroon.'

- Elayne Boosler

Woman, Flight, Cameroon, Enough Money

Pigs are smarter than dogs, and both are smarter than Congress.

- Elayne Boosler

Pigs, Congress, Than, Smarter

Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers?

- Elayne Boosler

Money, Television, Could, Preachers

Now that the Court has declared money to be speech, I say we replace the current Court with some Ben Franklins, Thomas Jeffersons, George Washingtons, a couple of Susan B. Anthony's, Roosevelts, Hamiltons, a Sacajawea or two, and an Abe Lincoln to cover Scalia in full.

- Elayne Boosler

Some, Replace, Couple, Susan

I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. It's not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit box, your bike lock or your private community. It's the key to order, sanity, and peace of mind. The key is 'Delete.'

- Elayne Boosler

Thankful, Computers, Private, Key

While editors and newspaper owners currently fret over shrinking readership and lost profits, they do the one thing that insures cutting their own throats; they keep reducing space for the one feature that attracts new young readers in the first place; the comic strips.

- Elayne Boosler

Newspaper, Young, Own, Attracts

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.

- Elayne Boosler

Bother, Cities, Imagined, Baton

For me, comedy is a day-to-day report on the human condition. It's what's happening right now. I get maybe 20 minutes of my act straight from the newspaper.

- Elayne Boosler

Newspaper, Human Condition, Report

Stand-up is like a movie every night. You write it, direct it, produce it, the audience votes, and you go home. There's nothing more satisfying.

- Elayne Boosler

Audience, Movie, Go Home, Satisfying

I personally cannot tell you how many times we rescuers put our names on animals to come to us as soon as they are eligible for release, only to find they have been senselessly killed by overzealous pound workers.

- Elayne Boosler

Tell, Release, Been, Eligible

Incredibly, almost every hotel I ever played in Vegas was blown up shortly afterward: The Dunes, The Sands, The Landmark, The Aladdin, The Frontier, The Hacienda, The Stardust - all were imploded.

- Elayne Boosler

Vegas, Frontier, Almost, Landmark

My belief is that guns are too easy to get in America. My belief is that the NRA has bought much of our congress, to the point that guns are actually the only unregulated consumer product in America. Think about that. It's stunning.

- Elayne Boosler

Think, Product, Guns, Consumer

I can't get married. I can't fake sleep for 30 years.

- Elayne Boosler

Sleep, Fake, Get, Get Married

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

- Elayne Boosler

Funny, Think, Been, Divorced

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

- Elayne Boosler

Food, Soup, Ever, Mix

Designers don't put out the same sweater every year. They just keep creating.

- Elayne Boosler

Year, Same, Designers, Sweater

I have always put my own money into Tails of Joy. For years, every time a dog walked by, my husband would say, 'There goes our beach house.'

- Elayne Boosler

Goes, Always, My Own, Every Time

We've seen the uproars around the world concerning cartoons depicting the prophet Mohammad. Anyone who does not think comic strips are relevant never had a fatwa put on him/her for drawing a picture.

- Elayne Boosler

Prophet, Around, Had, Depicting

My breakup with AT&T is final, and I'm done with Skype as the rebound guy.

- Elayne Boosler

Skype, Final, Rebound, Breakup

A study last year showed that the page you turn to first in the newspaper can be a predictor of how long you will live. No surprise, turning first to the Comics Pages prolongs your life.

- Elayne Boosler

Surprise, Newspaper, Study, Predictor

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.

- Elayne Boosler

Country, Another, Invade, Shopping

I wasn't funny as a kid. I remember enjoying comedians, but I never understood it was a job choice or a profession.

- Elayne Boosler

Kid, I Remember, Profession, Understood

You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot.

- Elayne Boosler

Woman, Down, Never, Bald

I've thought for the last decade or so, the only actual place raw truth was seeping through in newspapers was on the Comics Pages. They were able to pull off intelligent social comment, pure truths not found elsewhere in the news pages, and had the ability to make it all funny, entertaining, and pertinent.

- Elayne Boosler

Thought, Through, Decade, Comment

Wouldn't it be great to see a line in all movie credits that truthfully says, 'Nobody was harmed in the making of this film, and at the cast party, all animals got a belly belly belly rub.'

- Elayne Boosler

Movie, Making, Belly, Credits

Turkeys know their names, come when you call, and are totally affectionate. They're better than teenagers.

- Elayne Boosler

Call, Come, Affectionate, Turkeys

Guys wake up at your place and they expect breakfast. They don't eat bagels and M&M's in the morning. They want things like toast. I say, 'I don't have these recipes.'

- Elayne Boosler

Want, Recipes, Like, Toast

When I was growing up in comedy, there were maybe 10 comics in the whole country. Everyone had a day job. You worked free for years in little clubs, then you got your big break and became a star.

- Elayne Boosler

Big, Country, Became, Big Break

Here is what is needed for Occupy Wall Street to become a force for change: a clear, and clearly expressed, objective. Or two.

- Elayne Boosler

Here, Occupy Wall Street, Expressed

To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy.

- Elayne Boosler

Comedy, Own, Your, Key

I love being down at Occupy Wall Street. The sincerity, the youth involvement, the desire for better, is palpable and moving. There is true caring, sharing, and refreshingly naive hope.

- Elayne Boosler

Love, Occupy Wall Street, Naive

The message of great art is to disturb.

- Elayne Boosler

Art, Message, Great Art, Disturb

I just get the feeling that if Jesse Helms was in charge of art in America, you'd go into a museum and see nothing but prints of dogs playing cards.

- Elayne Boosler

Art, Cards, Charge, Prints

As a standup comedian, I've worked almost every New Year's Eve of my adult life. It's the best-paying night of the year.

- Elayne Boosler

New, Year, Almost, Adult Life

I am thankful I was born in America, although if I gain any more weight the burqa thing may start to seem like a good idea to me. See? Another plus about America, you can always find some food.

- Elayne Boosler

Thankful, Some, Idea, Plus

My family was totally non-religious. There was no question we were Jewish, but we were not observant.

- Elayne Boosler

Question, No Question, Were, Observant

Horse racing is waning in popularity.

- Elayne Boosler

Horse, Racing, Popularity, Horse Racing

You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.

- Elayne Boosler

Deer, Need, Maybe, Rounds

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

- Elayne Boosler

Alone, Will, Someone, Close

I am thankful that geniuses and artists and good people, no matter how hard it is, will eventually be recognized. I am doubly thankful that also goes for idiots.

- Elayne Boosler

Thankful, Will, Goes, Idiots

My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.

- Elayne Boosler

Hair, Philosophy, Your, Covered

I'm pretty equal opportunity when it comes to issues to joke about.

- Elayne Boosler

Pretty, Equal, About, Joke

I'd much rather see Richard Pryor or Jackie Mason in a theater than in a club.

- Elayne Boosler

See, Richard, Mason, Jackie

I deliver very traditionally, and people aren't threatened. I think if I cursed or seemed wilder, I couldn't get away with the amount of very opinionated politics I get away with.

- Elayne Boosler

Politics, Think, Very, Threatened

Sometimes, if you really don't know how you feel about a topic, reading how both sides argue it can help.

- Elayne Boosler

Both Sides, Sometimes, About, Topic

I don't categorize myself. I don't think I'm perceived as a female act by my audience. My fans include just as many men as women.

- Elayne Boosler

Think, Audience, Include, Female

We have wild animals in zoos, yet people rarely meet their 'food' face to face.

- Elayne Boosler

Face, Meet, Wild Animals, Rarely

San Francisco is really fun and liberal, and it's my kind of politics. It's like being Jewish in front of Jewish people.

- Elayne Boosler

Politics, Francisco, San, Liberal

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.

- Elayne Boosler

Sun, Again, Up, Morals

I always had a running commentary in my head that was extremely funny and off-center, but I never said it to anyone.

- Elayne Boosler

Running, Always, Had, Commentary

I run everywhere and eavesdrop. It's the best way to see a city.

- Elayne Boosler

City, See, Best Way, Everywhere

There are many comedians who are afraid to work outside the coasts and the casinos because they're afraid they'll bomb.

- Elayne Boosler

Work, Comedians, Many, Bomb

I guess in general, people tend to not eat the cute animals.

- Elayne Boosler

General, Tend, Guess, Cute

I pray if I ever find out I have only about three minutes to live it's during a basketball game, because then I'll have, what, 10, 12 years to live?

- Elayne Boosler

Game, Minutes, About, Basketball

I like to go after the foibles, basically of beliefs that are held without question. If people still want to believe in their stuff after that, that's great - as long as they just have a chance to step back and look at it for a second. Sometimes, you don't even realize what you've been thinking for 20 years.

- Elayne Boosler

Sometimes, Been, Held, Basically

I've never been able to write for stand-up.

- Elayne Boosler

Never, Been, Able, Stand-Up

I am thankful that all the people in the world who absolutely, positively, know what God wants, usually kill mostly each other.

- Elayne Boosler

Thankful, Other, Mostly, Positively

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

- Elayne Boosler

Woman, Inside, Person, Trapped

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