We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being.
- Dennis Miller
Country, Human Being, Badly, Moore
Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels.
- Dennis Miller
Week, Through, Use, Being Used
A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away.
- Dennis Miller
New, Away, Southern, Blacks
It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity.
- Dennis Miller
Thought, Eternity, Having, Enough Time
The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.
- Dennis Miller
Quilt, Radical, Warming, Blaming
Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?
- Dennis Miller
Idea, Might, Sure, Discount
Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet.
- Dennis Miller
Want, Say, Wash, Fence
The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.
- Dennis Miller
Average, Than, Dart, Holes
I want to help the helpless, but I don't want to help the clueless.
- Dennis Miller
Help, Want, Clueless, Helpless
I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown.
- Dennis Miller
Like, Van, Van Gogh, Pessimistic
There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.
- Dennis Miller
Funny, Nothing, About, Insightful
President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which.
- Dennis Miller
However, Which, Spanish, Presidential
Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways.
- Dennis Miller
The Most Important, Next, Important Job
What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.
- Dennis Miller
Reason, Guilt, Show, Pledge
Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again.
- Dennis Miller
Tell, Mass, Lot, Card
The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood.
- Dennis Miller
Badly, Poorly, Directed, Wood
The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens.
- Dennis Miller
United States, Allow, Looked, Mexicans
A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.
- Dennis Miller
Study, Cop, Likely, Recent
Somebody can say they don't understand why somebody drifts. But I've always found people who drift interesting, 'cause it shows me the game's not stagnant in their own head. They're thinking.
- Dennis Miller
Game, Interesting, Always, Drift
The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.
- Dennis Miller
Tell, Going, Found, French
Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand.
- Dennis Miller
More, Than, Elected, Perks
Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.
- Dennis Miller
Marriage, Here, Actually, License
You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.
- Dennis Miller
Habits, Bad, 7-Eleven, Cart
You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R.
- Dennis Miller
Education, Out, Begins, Realize
What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign.
- Dennis Miller
Turn, Immediately, Our, Dime
I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy.
- Dennis Miller
Trust, Doing, Comedy, Viewers
Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer.
- Dennis Miller
Right, Writer, May, Wrongs
I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian.
- Dennis Miller
Credibility, Comedian
I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.
- Dennis Miller
World, Chess, See, Checkers
Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.
- Dennis Miller
Washington, DC, Wisconsin
Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.
- Dennis Miller
Guilt, Here, Rant, Simply
Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge.
- Dennis Miller
Rivers, Needs, Telling, Wrong
Just put down 9/11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on.
- Dennis Miller
Think, Conservative, I Think, Liberal
I rant, therefore I am.
- Dennis Miller
Funny, I Am, Rant, Therefore
I lapsed into rude.
- Dennis Miller
Rude
Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair?
- Dennis Miller
Why, Balloon, Cost, Electricity
If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem.
- Dennis Miller
Clinton, Had, Bush, Attacked
Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.
- Dennis Miller
Born, First Time, Getting, Excuse
Most Americans will let liberals and conservatives play their games because most Americans don't pay attention.
- Dennis Miller
Play, Pay Attention, Will, Attention
America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school.
- Dennis Miller
World, Country, May, Summer
Everybody has to sell out at some point to make a living.
- Dennis Miller
Living, Some, Everybody, Point
I had fun pretending to be a sportscaster. People always think that was a down thing for me. I had the best job in sports broadcasting for two years.
- Dennis Miller
Think, Pretending, Always, Broadcasting
I didn't know my Dad - he moved out early. And my mom's politics were kind of hardscrabble. She didn't think about Democrats or Republicans. She thought about who made sense. I've been both in my life.
- Dennis Miller
Politics, My Life, Been, Democrats
Never have lives less lived been more chronicled.
- Dennis Miller
Never, Been, Lives, Lived
The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country.
- Dennis Miller
Death, Country, Becoming, Death Penalty
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