Demetri Martin Quotes

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

- Demetri Martin

Good Example, Same Time, Winner

I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar.

- Demetri Martin

Love, Trust, Pet, I Feel

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.

- Demetri Martin

Food, Like, Butter, Unbelievable

But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.

- Demetri Martin

Love, Doing, TV, Long Story

It's funny: when people always talk about the importance of role models, I used to think that was so exaggerated, but as I get older, I start to realize I don't feel that way so much anymore. If you see somebody like you who's doing something, an older version of what you are, it does make you feel like it's more possible.

- Demetri Martin

Doing, Role, Importance, Exaggerated

I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar!

- Demetri Martin

Trust, Big, Some, Asked

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

- Demetri Martin

Back, Like, Really, Lighter

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

- Demetri Martin

Scale, Store, Actual, Clothing

I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.

- Demetri Martin

Grateful, Average, Over, Grateful Dead

But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.

- Demetri Martin

Freedom, Found, A Good Thing, Disapproval

I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'

- Demetri Martin

Prize, Your, Stoked, Nobel

It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive.

- Demetri Martin

Comedy, Stories, Mutually, Mutually Exclusive

I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television.

- Demetri Martin

Love, Television, Wright

The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.

- Demetri Martin

Always, Like, Bill, Wright

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

- Demetri Martin

Funny, Go, Wanna, Jigsaw

Okay, so, when I was a kid, definitely the drawings and the illustration. Then I stopped in sixth grade or so. And then I started again when I was in my twenties. I really didn't progress since then, so the way I draw is the way I drew in sixth grade.

- Demetri Martin

Okay, Stopped, Twenties, Illustration

A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'

- Demetri Martin

Mind, Like, Hang, Sticker

I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'

- Demetri Martin

Game, Violent, Very, Surgery

My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'

- Demetri Martin

Fruit, Next, Crappy, Stuck

People only have so much attention.

- Demetri Martin

People, Attention, Only, Much Attention

Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

- Demetri Martin

Sorry, Funeral, Same, Apologize

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

- Demetri Martin

Technology, Digital, Camera

I got into stand-up because I love stand-up. Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punch line.

- Demetri Martin

Love, Ideas, Line, Specifically

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

- Demetri Martin

Love, Short, I Love, Specifically

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

- Demetri Martin

Over, Escalator, Move, Hour And A Half

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

- Demetri Martin

Drunk, Persuasive, Very, Backseat

Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.

- Demetri Martin

Myself, More, Type, Laugh

And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.

- Demetri Martin

Peter, Far, Peter Sellers, All-Time

I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'

- Demetri Martin

Some, I Think, Foreigners, Confusion

Let no man's deathbed be a futon.

- Demetri Martin

Man, Deathbed

I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.

- Demetri Martin

Law, Student, Vice-President, Law School

For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.'

- Demetri Martin

Church, Everybody, Before, Law School

I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.

- Demetri Martin

College, Law, Thought, Law School

I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks.

- Demetri Martin

Law, Found, Weeks, Law School

I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it's like, 'Okay. That's your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that's good.' Hopefully it balances out.

- Demetri Martin

Good, Your, Liked, Balances

I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians - they knew a lot about comedy growing up.

- Demetri Martin

Comedy, Big, Knew, Nerd

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

- Demetri Martin

Start, Out, Saw, Letters

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.

- Demetri Martin

Survival, Other, Like, Boat

I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'

- Demetri Martin

Fruit, Mail, Basket, Appearing

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.

- Demetri Martin

Some, Away, I Think, Right Away

There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.

- Demetri Martin

Think, Over, Like, Neighborhood

Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes.

- Demetri Martin

Play, Like, Larger, Play Music

Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.

- Demetri Martin

Thought, Think, I Write, Laugh

I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me that way. I've definitely done time in the friend zone.

- Demetri Martin

Thought, Like, Made, Laugh

People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.

- Demetri Martin

Car, Tell, Very, Apart

My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

- Demetri Martin

Garbage, Own, Screwed, Disposal

Usually, my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it.

- Demetri Martin

Thought, Joke, Recently, Surprised

They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what you can get out of that.

- Demetri Martin

Dealing, Figure, Multiple, Structure

It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown.

- Demetri Martin

Through, Very, Whole, Interactions

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

- Demetri Martin

Birthday, Christmas, Waste, Early

The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.

- Demetri Martin

Doing, Feedback, Think, Front

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

- Demetri Martin

Give, Candy, Like, Plus

When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.

- Demetri Martin

Kid, Always, Wanted, Skateboarding

As a creative person, you want to have a foothold and sense of progress.

- Demetri Martin

Progress, Want, Person, Creative Person

As a comic, I think I'm very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I've written or thought up and how I say it.

- Demetri Martin

Think, I Think, Very, Verbally

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.

- Demetri Martin

Die, Other, Which, Confusing

And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.

- Demetri Martin

Made, Jobs, Had, Stand Up

I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.

- Demetri Martin

Politics, Places, Tend, Velvet

Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.

- Demetri Martin

Wise, Nothing, Ever, Printed

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'

- Demetri Martin

Thought, Guy, Then, Park

But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.

- Demetri Martin

Go, Say, Going, Boldly

I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues; and on good film sets, there's people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary.

- Demetri Martin

Love, Yard, Years And Years, Medium

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

- Demetri Martin

Time, Game, Worst, Attack

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

- Demetri Martin

Sports, Play, Buy, Trophies

I'd love to win trophies, be in movies, have a body of work I'm proud of and find a way to enjoy it along the way. Success is probably a more of a complicated thing than that.

- Demetri Martin

Love, Proud, Success Is, Trophies

I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there.

- Demetri Martin

Idea, Unnecessary, Least, Removing

I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'

- Demetri Martin

Morning, Sometimes, I Think, Saying

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

- Demetri Martin

Bad, Balloon, Breath, Holder

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.

- Demetri Martin

Think, Always, I Think, Blush

I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.

- Demetri Martin

College, Never, Either, Performed

I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.

- Demetri Martin

Wearing, Guess, Saw, T-Shirt

I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.

- Demetri Martin

Love, Happen, Catching, Happened

I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.

- Demetri Martin

Thought, Think, I Think, Since

And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.

- Demetri Martin

Forward, Rule, Being, Right Track

I never set out to do a sketch show.

- Demetri Martin

Never, Show, Set, Sketch

I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'

- Demetri Martin

Alone, Think, Rhymes, Cologne

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

- Demetri Martin

Cool, I Think, Note, Paper

I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's.

- Demetri Martin

Kid, Student, Everything, Supposed

The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.

- Demetri Martin

Door, Glass, Running, Sliding

It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.

- Demetri Martin

Every Day, Like, Feels, Twitter

I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.

- Demetri Martin

More, Movie, My Own, Acting

I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me.

- Demetri Martin

Doing, Important, Keeping, Track

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

- Demetri Martin

Friend, You, Only, Fat

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

- Demetri Martin

Funny, Spoon, Tell, Fat

I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.

- Demetri Martin

Comedy, Like, Going, Fan

To me, comedy is a game.

- Demetri Martin

Game, Me, Comedy

I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.

- Demetri Martin

Try, Done, Always, Excited

I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.

- Demetri Martin

Think, I Think, Lot, Dreaming

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