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Conan O'Brien Quotes

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Michael Jackson was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It caused quite a controversy, because his nose isn't eligible for another fifteen years.

- Conan O'Brien

Rock And Roll, Nose, Fifteen, Michael

According to a new survey, 40 percent of adults in Mexico say they would move to the United States if they got a chance. The number would have been higher, but the other 60 percent already live here.

- Conan O'Brien

New, Here, United States, Mexico

Earlier today, Arnold Schwarzenegger criticized the California school system, calling it disastrous. Arnold says California's schools are so bad that its graduates are willing to vote for me.

- Conan O'Brien

Graduation, Bad, Graduates, Arnold

This Halloween, the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask. And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him.

- Conan O'Brien

Will, Candy, Like, Arnold

John Travolta said he sometimes lets his friends take control of his airplane even though they don't know what they're doing. Then Travolta said he often does the same thing with his career.

- Conan O'Brien

Career, Doing, Same Thing, Airplane

In West Virginia yesterday, a man was arrested for stealing several blow-up dolls. Reportedly, police didn't have any trouble catching the man because he was completely out of breath.

- Conan O'Brien

Catching, Arrested, Several, Stealing

In Cleveland there is legislation moving forward to ban people from wearing pants that fit too low. However, there is lots of opposition from the plumber' union.

- Conan O'Brien

Forward, Pants, However, Ban

Tom Cruise's attorney said he is going to sue anyone who claims he is gay. In a related story, Ricky Martin's attorney has been hospitalized for exhaustion.

- Conan O'Brien

Going, Been, Sue, Ricky

Republicans have called for a National African-American Museum. The plan is being held up by finding a location that isn't in their neighborhood.

- Conan O'Brien

Republicans, Being, Held, African-American

Several hard-core Star Wars fans who had tickets for the first showing actually said that when the movie finally began, they started crying. Mainly because they realized that it's 22 years later, and they still haven't lost their virginity.

- Conan O'Brien

Movie, Tickets, Several, Crying

Every comedian dreams of hosting 'The Tonight Show' and, for seven months, I got to. I did it my way, with people I love, and I do not regret a second.

- Conan O'Brien

Love, Tonight, Months, Tonight Show

I always knew that it was going to be an uphill climb to replace Letterman from complete obscurity with no experience, but I think I had to go through it to know exactly what a titanic effort that was going to be.

- Conan O'Brien

Think, Through, Always, No Experience

It's a good thing I was born in this century, when superfluous television seems to be part of the economy.

- Conan O'Brien

Television, A Good Thing, Superfluous

Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen.

- Conan O'Brien

Amazing, Work Hard, Happen, Amazing Things

Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen.

- Conan O'Brien

Amazing, Thought, Happen, Amazing Things

The U.S. army confirmed that it gave a lucrative fire fighting contract in Iraq to the firm once run by the Vice President Dick Cheney without any competitive bidding. When asked if this could be conceived as Cheney's friends profiting from the war, the spokesman said 'Yes.'

- Conan O'Brien

Run, Bidding, Dick Cheney, Cheney

In a prime-time address, President Bush said he backed limited federal funding for stem cell research. That's right, the President said, this is a quote, the research could help cure brain diseases like Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, and whatever it is I have.

- Conan O'Brien

Cure, Bush, Backed, Cell Research

If you watch a lot of television, the pacing, the quick cutting is so frenetic, but it doesn't always make it funnier. What I'm noticing is that when things are allowed to unspool more slowly, younger crowds really like it. They really appreciate it.

- Conan O'Brien

Funnier, Quick, Allowed, Pacing

In New York, we had primary elections for mayor. To improve their chances, all five candidates changed their name to Rudy Giuliani.

- Conan O'Brien

New, Mayor, Had, Primary

CBS news anchor Dan Rather has interviewed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. When asked what it was like to talk to a crazy man, Saddam said, 'It's not so bad.'

- Conan O'Brien

News, Bad, Hussein, CBS

Early on, they were timing my contract with an egg timer.

- Conan O'Brien

Egg, Timing, Were, Timer

During last night's debate, John Kerry and John Edwards were so friendly to each other some political experts think that they may end up running together. In fact Kerry and Edwards were so friendly, President Bush accused them of planning a gay marriage.

- Conan O'Brien

Fact, Some, Other, Gay Marriage

Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly.

- Conan O'Brien

Found, Announced, Loudly, Located

Officials at the White House are saying that President Bush hasn't changed his schedule much since the war started. The main difference, they say, is that he's started watching the news and taping Sponge Bob.

- Conan O'Brien

Sponge, Bush, Main, Changed

Pamela Anderson Lee released a statement confirming that she has had her breast implants removed. Doctors say that Pamela is doing fine and that her old implants are now dating Charlie Sheen.

- Conan O'Brien

Doing, Old, Anderson, Implants

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'

- Conan O'Brien

Want, Study, Verbal, Authors

People should say 'no comment' more often. No comment! I love no comment. Let's have more no comment.

- Conan O'Brien

Love, More, I Love, Comment

I'll say I'm happy doing my thing. No one says 'no comment' anymore.

- Conan O'Brien

Happy, Doing, Say, Comment

Apparently the new high-tech Star Wars toys will be in stores any day now. The toys can talk and are interactive, so they can be easily distinguished from Star Wars fans.

- Conan O'Brien

New, Star, Toys, Distinguished

Yesterday, the Pentagon warned U.S. reporters that they should get out of Baghdad as soon as possible because the U.S. could attack at any time. Then the Pentagon added, 'Whatever you do, don't tell Geraldo.'

- Conan O'Brien

Reporters, Baghdad, Added, Pentagon

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