Bill Engvall Quotes

I think you can ban guns if you can just pull the trigger and 60 bullets fire out.

- Bill Engvall

Think, Guns, I Think, Trigger

I was doing a bit that stupid people should be slapped. But the more I did it, the more I didn't like that connotation, the violence and all that. The more I thought about it, I thought they should just wear signs. And, man, it just took off.

- Bill Engvall

Stupid, Connotation, Took, Slapped

I'm from Texas. You would think my biggest draw would be in that state. But my biggest draw is Pennsylvania.

- Bill Engvall

Think, Would, Biggest, Pennsylvania

There's a reason God didn't give me this success in my 20s, because I'd have blown it.

- Bill Engvall

Reason, Give, Blown, Give Me

I hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that just say, 'I'm stupid.'

- Bill Engvall

Stupid, Signs, Should, Stupid People

Left to my own vices, all I would own is a Corvette, and it would be broken down.

- Bill Engvall

Broken, Left, Would, Vices

I dream of acting with Kevin Costner. I would love to do a movie with him. Not something funny, but a dramatic role.

- Bill Engvall

Love, Movie, Role, I Dream

I come from a time when people like Bob Newhart and Bill Cosby told stories that were devastatingly funny without being off-color.

- Bill Engvall

Like, Stories, Bill, Cosby

I love to laugh, and laughter is one of my favorite things. When you have a really good laugh, you feel great afterwards.

- Bill Engvall

Love, Feel, Afterwards, Favorite Things

As my wife says, I'll never fully retire, but it'll start to slow down. I'll continue to do the local gigs or go to Las Vegas. But I won't be going out to Ohio to play an Indian casino anymore. Those will probably go by the wayside.

- Bill Engvall

Play, Casino, Las Vegas, Indian

Standup is a form of therapy. It is OK to tell problems to your audience as long as you are being honest and not boring them. I tell them that I am saving $75 an hour when I talk to them instead of a therapist.

- Bill Engvall

Tell, Being Honest, Your, OK

You know as well as I do that the family sitcom was the stalwart of TV for God knows how many decades.

- Bill Engvall

How, TV, Many, Decades

When 'Blue Collar TV' was on the 'WB,' we were their second-highest rated show, but they didn't know what to do with us. They had 'Reba,' which was number one, and we were number two, and they didn't want to be known as the hayseed network, so they kind of dropped us, even though we were pulling great numbers.

- Bill Engvall

Show, TV, Dropped, Rated

I learned that you don't take dishes from the table to the dishwasher; you have to rinse them first. I think that's stupid because I don't go out in the back yard and hose off before taking a shower.

- Bill Engvall

Stupid, Shower, Yard, Table

I don't do politics, I don't do religion, I don't do ethnic jokes.

- Bill Engvall

Religion, Politics, Ethnic, Jokes

Jay Leno told me once, 'Don't do jokes about things you don't know about.'

- Bill Engvall

Once, Jay, Jay Leno, Jokes

If you're just a nice guy - you don't let people walk on you - but if you're just a nice guy and treat people right, good things happen.

- Bill Engvall

Treat, Happen, Guy, Good Things

When I drove up on the set one day, and they'd put up a sign that says 'The Bill Engvall Show,' I stood there for 20 minutes just staring at it. The director, James Widdoes, came up and said, 'What are you doing?' And I said, 'Look at this! There's my name on a stage door in Hollywood!'

- Bill Engvall

Door, Doing, Hollywood, Staring

I'm a California Angels fan because that's the first game my dad took me to see, and they stuck with me.

- Bill Engvall

Game, Took, Dad, Stuck

If you lived next door to me and didn't know what I did, you wouldn't know I was a celebrity. I don't have that lifestyle, nor do I want that lifestyle. I want to know that I can have a separate life with my wife and my kids and just be normal and go camping and fishing and outdoor stuff.

- Bill Engvall

Door, Celebrity, Next, Outdoor

I love stand up, but every year, the road takes a little more out of you.

- Bill Engvall

Love, Year, More, Stand Up

I don't have big time celebrity friends - I'm just a guy.

- Bill Engvall

Celebrity, Big, Guy, Big Time

I'm a big animal fanatic.

- Bill Engvall

Animal, Big, Fanatic

To be honest with you, I still eat whatever I want. It's all about portion control. I still love pizza, but instead of eating half, I eat a slice.

- Bill Engvall

Love, Still, Half, To Be Honest

The one thing people like about my show is it's universal. Everybody can relate to it. I think people enjoy going to a show and saying, 'Something like that happened to me.'

- Bill Engvall

Think, Everybody, I Think, Universal

I always wanted to be an actor. I always wanted to be John Wayne.

- Bill Engvall

Actor, Always, John Wayne, Wayne

People are trying to figure out how to pay bills and make ends meet. They don't want to turn on the TV and say, 'What is this crap?'

- Bill Engvall

Want, TV, Figure, Bills

Europe has such an expansive history.

- Bill Engvall

History, Expansive, Europe

There's a lot of things I believe in this world. I believe in God, I believe in the United States of America, and I support and believe in the Second Amendment.

- Bill Engvall

Amendment, United States, I Believe In

I'd like to see the Amazon rainforests before they're all gone, and also the Galapagos - that's another one I'd like to do. I'd love to go diving in those areas. Basically, places, like, that are kind of going away, and I'd like to see them before they all become condos and high-rises.

- Bill Engvall

Love, Away, Before, Diving

My goal is for 'The Bill Engvall Show' to be a show the networks look at and say, 'Ooh, maybe we should get back to the family sitcom.'

- Bill Engvall

Goal, Show, Maybe, Sitcom

I've really got no complaints.

- Bill Engvall

Got, Really, Complaints

My belief is that if we take away that right to bear arms, the only people that are going to have them are... the ones breaking into your house.

- Bill Engvall

Away, Going, Them, Bear

If you watch the 'Blue Collar Tour,' I was probably the least redneck of everybody.

- Bill Engvall

Blue, Everybody, Collar, Tour

I've learned in my older age that sexy gets you further than brains.

- Bill Engvall

Sexy, Brains, Learned, Further

I came out of the mall one day, and a guy was standing there with a coat hanger in his window, and I couldn't stop myself. I asked the stupid question. 'You lock your keys in the car?' 'Nope, just washed it, gonna hang it up to dry.'

- Bill Engvall

Stupid, Hang, Keys, Coat

I travel fairly lightly because you have to these days. I always take a laptop and an iPod so I can watch movies and listen to music. And my Gameboy. That's a good time-killer.

- Bill Engvall

Always, Fairly, Lightly, Laptop

I'm a blue collar guy.

- Bill Engvall

Blue, Guy, Blue Collar, Collar

It's fun being Bill Engvall.

- Bill Engvall

Fun, Being, Bill

I eat fish, chicken, vegetables and other healthier foods. I do love a great steak.

- Bill Engvall

Love, Chicken, Other, Fish

I used to hunt and fish.

- Bill Engvall

Used, Hunt, Fish

My favorite road trip ever is when my wife and I took an RV around the country. We just had the best time.

- Bill Engvall

Wife, Country, Took, Trip

In syndication, the biggest buyers are car dealerships.

- Bill Engvall

Car, Biggest, Buyers

I have been passed over on some things because people didn't think I was edgy enough. But the people who took those gigs are gone now, and I am still here.

- Bill Engvall

Here, Some, Over, Edgy

I can't count the number of times I've been sound asleep, woke up, and I was doing my hair.

- Bill Engvall

Doing, Been, Woke, Asleep

People all over are finding themselves in jobs they never thought they'd be in.

- Bill Engvall

Thought, Never, Over, Finding

I like to hang on to cars. I'm not one of these guys that goes flipping cars all the time. If I find a car I like, I stick with it.

- Bill Engvall

Goes, Like, Hang, Flipping

No sooner my kids leave their friends than they start texting them. And it's all in code in a language I totally don't understand.

- Bill Engvall

Start, Code, Sooner, Texting

It's funny: people who meet me say, 'I thought you'd be different.' But I'm still the same guy.

- Bill Engvall

Thought, Say, Still, Funny People

I love playing the bitter guy.

- Bill Engvall

Love, Playing, I Love, Bitter

What I do is not regional comedy, and it is not based in the southern area.

- Bill Engvall

Area, Based, Regional, Southern

I haven't been really nervous about a gig in a long time.

- Bill Engvall

Long Time, Nervous, Been, Gig

America loves to watch people growing and getting better.

- Bill Engvall

Growing, Better, Getting, Getting Better

A lot of times you go to a concert, and when you leave, you don't know anything more about the act then when you got there.

- Bill Engvall

Go, More, About, Concert

I've never said I was the best dancer, and I never said I was a good dancer.

- Bill Engvall

Best, Never, Said, Dancer

I have fun on stage, so people think maybe they should, too.

- Bill Engvall

Think, Stage, Maybe, Have Fun

Now people live into their 90s and beyond. As long as I have quality of life, I'm good.

- Bill Engvall

Good, People, Beyond, Quality Of Life

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