Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.
- Ambrose Bierce
Politics, Conservative, Existing
Death is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate.
- Ambrose Bierce
Death, Litigation, Over, Remains
Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic.
- Ambrose Bierce
Art, Protecting, Exposing, Critic
Edible - good to eat and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.
- Ambrose Bierce
Worm, Wholesome, Digest, Snake
Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
- Ambrose Bierce
Technology, Some, Which, Disagreeable
Forgetfulness - a gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience.
- Ambrose Bierce
Gift, Conscience, Bestowed, Forgetfulness
Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
- Ambrose Bierce
Politics, Private, Strife, Contest
Alliance - in international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.
- Ambrose Bierce
Politics, Hands, Other, Pockets
Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead.
- Ambrose Bierce
Woman, Which, Commonly, Patron
Insurance - an ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table.
- Ambrose Bierce
Insurance, Which, Ingenious, Beating
Belladonna, n.: In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.
- Ambrose Bierce
Poison, Two, Italian, Deadly
Bacchus, n.: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.
- Ambrose Bierce
Drunk, Getting, Excuse, Convenient
Battle, n., A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that would not yield to the tongue.
- Ambrose Bierce
Battle, Method, Would, Yield
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
- Ambrose Bierce
Pleasure, Person, Himself, Temptation
Bigot: One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain.
- Ambrose Bierce
You, Bigot, Entertain, Attached
Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
- Ambrose Bierce
Wedding, Bride, Behind, Prospect
Life - a spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay.
- Ambrose Bierce
Spiritual, Preserving, Decay, Pickle
Happiness: an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.
- Ambrose Bierce
Happiness, Sensation, Contemplating
The small part of ignorance that we arrange and classify we give the name of knowledge.
- Ambrose Bierce
Small, Give, Classify, Small Part
Lawsuit: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.
- Ambrose Bierce
Legal, Machine, Which, Lawsuit
History is an account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.
- Ambrose Bierce
History, Which, Mostly, Events
Genius - to know without having learned; to draw just conclusions from unknown premises; to discern the soul of things.
- Ambrose Bierce
Soul, Having, Learned, Premises
Witticism. A sharp and clever remark, usually quoted and seldom noted; what the Philistine is pleased to call a joke.
- Ambrose Bierce
Call, Quoted, Philistine, Noted
Genealogy, n. An account of one's descent from a man who did not particularly care to trace his own.
- Ambrose Bierce
Own, Particularly, Genealogy, Descent
Faith: Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.
- Ambrose Bierce
Evidence, Things, Speaks, Parallel
Rum, n. Generically, fiery liquors that produce madness in total abstainers.
- Ambrose Bierce
Madness, Fiery, Total, Rum
A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
- Ambrose Bierce
Everything, Others, Total, Inactivity
Wit - the salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out.
- Ambrose Bierce
Humor, Which, Humorist, Spoils
Patriotism. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name.
- Ambrose Bierce
Ready, Ambitious, His, Torch
Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.
- Ambrose Bierce
Diplomatic Relations, Divorce
Vote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.
- Ambrose Bierce
Power, Wreck, Symbol, Freeman
Saint: A dead sinner revised and edited.
- Ambrose Bierce
Dead, Saint, Edited, Sinner
Education, n.: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.
- Ambrose Bierce
Education, Wise, Which, Foolish
Who never doubted, never half believed. Where doubt is, there truth is - it is her shadow.
- Ambrose Bierce
Never, Doubted, Half, Believed
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher.
- Ambrose Bierce
Philosopher, His, Delusions, Analyze
Laziness. Unwarranted repose of manner in a person of low degree.
- Ambrose Bierce
Person, Low, Repose, Unwarranted
Experience is a revelation in the light of which we renounce our errors of youth for those of age.
- Ambrose Bierce
Light, Revelation, Which, Errors
Curiosity, n. An objectionable quality of the female mind. The desire to know whether or not a woman is cursed with curiosity is one of the most active and insatiable passions of the masculine soul.
- Ambrose Bierce
Woman, Mind, Desire, Insatiable
Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility.
- Ambrose Bierce
Business, Ingenious, Profit
Duty - that which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, along the line of desire.
- Ambrose Bierce
Desire, Along, Which, Profit
Friendless. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense.
- Ambrose Bierce
Fortune, Friendless, Having, Bestow
To apologize is to lay the foundation for a future offense.
- Ambrose Bierce
Future, Offense, Lay, Apologize
Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.
- Ambrose Bierce
Mother, Mom, Worn, Garment
Litigant. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones.
- Ambrose Bierce
Give, Person, His, Retaining
Eloquence, n. The art of orally persuading fools that white is the color that it appears to be. It includes the gift of making any color appear white.
- Ambrose Bierce
Art, Gift, Persuading, Fools
Beauty, n: the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.
- Ambrose Bierce
Beauty, Woman, Which, Charms
Childhood: the period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth - two removes from the sin of manhood and three from the remorse of age.
- Ambrose Bierce
Childhood, Folly, Period, Idiocy
Doubt is the father of invention.
- Ambrose Bierce
Father, Imagination, Doubt, Invention
Inventor: A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and springs, and believes it civilization.
- Ambrose Bierce
Technology, Arrangement, Inventor
Fidelity - a virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
- Ambrose Bierce
About, Betrayed, Fidelity, Peculiar
Ardor, n. The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge.
- Ambrose Bierce
Love, Without, Ardor, Distinguishes
Compromise, n. Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as gives each adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he ought not to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly his due.
- Ambrose Bierce
Satisfaction, Nothing, Adversary
Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.
- Ambrose Bierce
Art, Reasoning, Accordance, Strict
Future. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.
- Ambrose Bierce
Happiness, Which, Period, Affairs
Cynic, n: a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be.
- Ambrose Bierce
Vision, Things, Sees, Cynic
Amnesty, n. The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish.
- Ambrose Bierce
Would, Too, Punish, Offenders
In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
- Ambrose Bierce
Civilization, Cares, Exemption
Enthusiasm - a distemper of youth, curable by small doses of repentance in connection with outward applications of experience.
- Ambrose Bierce
Enthusiasm, Small, Doses, Outward
What is a democrat? One who believes that the republicans have ruined the country. What is a republican? One who believes that the democrats would ruin the country.
- Ambrose Bierce
Country, Democrat, Believes, Ruin
Admiral. That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking.
- Ambrose Bierce
Part, Which, Does, Figurehead
Suffrage, noun. Expression of opinion by means of a ballot. The right of suffrage (which is held to be both a privilege and a duty) means, as commonly interpreted, the right to vote for the man of another man's choice, and is highly prized.
- Ambrose Bierce
Ballot, Which, Means, Interpreted
Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.
- Ambrose Bierce
Fortune, Misfortunes, Kinds, Calamities
Trial. A formal inquiry designed to prove and put upon record the blameless characters of judges, advocates and jurors.
- Ambrose Bierce
Prove, Trial, Put, Judges
Alien - an American sovereign in his probationary state.
- Ambrose Bierce
American, His, State, Sovereign
Sabbath - a weekly festival having its origin in the fact that God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh.
- Ambrose Bierce
Sabbath, Arrested, Having, Six Days
Debt, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slavedriver.
- Ambrose Bierce
Debt, Chain, Ingenious, Whip
Meekness: Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while.
- Ambrose Bierce
Revenge, Planning, Uncommon, Meekness
Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.
- Ambrose Bierce
Marriage, Condition, Slaves, Consisting
Religion. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.
- Ambrose Bierce
Nature, Ignorance, Explaining
Dog - a kind of additional or subsidiary Deity designed to catch the overflow and surplus of the world's worship.
- Ambrose Bierce
World, Overflow, Surplus, Worship
There are four kinds of Homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy.
- Ambrose Bierce
Four, Homicide, Kinds, Praiseworthy
Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.
- Ambrose Bierce
Serve, Which, Mayonnaise, French
Ability is commonly found to consist mainly in a high degree of solemnity.
- Ambrose Bierce
High, Found, Commonly, Consist
Creditor. One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the Financial Straits and dreaded for their desolating incursions.
- Ambrose Bierce
Financial, Tribe, Savages, Dreaded
Eulogy. Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead.
- Ambrose Bierce
Wealth, Either, Advantages, Consideration
Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; the trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.
- Ambrose Bierce
Nature, Spring, Call, All Things
Immortality: A toy which people cry for, And on their knees apply for, Dispute, contend and lie for, And if allowed Would be right proud Eternally to die for.
- Ambrose Bierce
Immortality, Dispute, Which, Eternally
What this country needs what every country needs occasionally is a good hard bloody war to revive the vice of patriotism on which its existence as a nation depends.
- Ambrose Bierce
Country, Needs, Which, Bloody
Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.
- Ambrose Bierce
Words, Act, Another, Repeating
Acquaintance. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.
- Ambrose Bierce
Know, Person, Whom, Well Enough
Patience, n. A minor form of dispair, disguised as a virtue.
- Ambrose Bierce
Patience, Minor, Form, Disguised
The covers of this book are too far apart.
- Ambrose Bierce
Book, Far, Too, Apart
It is evident that skepticism, while it makes no actual change in man, always makes him feel better.
- Ambrose Bierce
Better, Always, Actual, Evident
The slightest acquaintance with history shows that powerful republics are the most warlike and unscrupulous of nations.
- Ambrose Bierce
Powerful, Shows, Most, Slightest
Pray: To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
- Ambrose Bierce
Universe, Single, Laws, Unworthy
Optimism - the doctrine or belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly.
- Ambrose Bierce
Beautiful, Ugly, Including, Doctrine
Perseverance - a lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success.
- Ambrose Bierce
Success, Mediocrity, Lowly, Whereby
Experience - the wisdom that enables us to recognise in an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced.
- Ambrose Bierce
Experience, Folly, Embraced, Enables
Photograph: a picture painted by the sun without instruction in art.
- Ambrose Bierce
Art, Photograph, Painted, Instruction
Prescription: A physician's guess at what will best prolong the situation with least harm to the patient.
- Ambrose Bierce
Medical, Harm, Prescription, Physician
We submit to the majority because we have to. But we are not compelled to call our attitude of subjection a posture of respect.
- Ambrose Bierce
Call, Submit, Subjection, Posture
Incompatibility. In matrimony a similarity of tastes, particularly the taste for domination.
- Ambrose Bierce
Tastes, Particularly, Similarity
Impiety. Your irreverence toward my deity.
- Ambrose Bierce
Your, Irreverence, Toward, Deity
Doubt, indulged and cherished, is in danger of becoming denial; but if honest, and bent on thorough investigation, it may soon lead to full establishment of the truth.
- Ambrose Bierce
Denial, Becoming, May, Thorough
Absence blots people out. We really have no absent friends.
- Ambrose Bierce
People, Absence, Really, Absent
Edible, adj.: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.
- Ambrose Bierce
Worm, Wholesome, Digest, Toad
Jealous, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping.
- Ambrose Bierce
Jealousy, Jealous, Which, Adjective
Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
- Ambrose Bierce
Intelligence, Mad, High, Adjective
Ambidextrous, adj.: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
- Ambrose Bierce
Left, Equal, Pick, Adjective
Famous, adj.: Conspicuously miserable.
- Ambrose Bierce
Famous, Miserable, Adjective
Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
- Ambrose Bierce
Positive, Voice, Top, Adjective
Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.
- Ambrose Bierce
Education, Ignorance, Kind, Studious
Cabbage: a familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.
- Ambrose Bierce
Wise, Head, Cabbage, Vegetable
Confidante: One entrusted by A with the secrets of B confided to herself by C.
- Ambrose Bierce
Herself, Confided, Entrusted, Secrets
Coward: One who, in a perilous emergency, thinks with his legs.
- Ambrose Bierce
Emergency, Legs, His, Perilous
I believe we shall come to care about people less and less. The more people one knows the easier it becomes to replace them. It's one of the curses of London.
- Ambrose Bierce
London, More, More People, Curses
Deliberation, n.: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on.
- Ambrose Bierce
Bread, Side, Which, Deliberation
When you doubt, abstain.
- Ambrose Bierce
Wisdom, Doubt, You, Abstain
Erudition - dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.
- Ambrose Bierce
Book, Erudition, Shaken, Skull
Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
- Ambrose Bierce
Wish, Person, Talks, Bore
Prejudice - a vagrant opinion without visible means of support.
- Ambrose Bierce
Support, Visible, Means, Prejudice
Architect. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.
- Ambrose Bierce
Money, Plans, Architect, Drafts
Philosophy: A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.
- Ambrose Bierce
Nowhere, Leading, Route, Philosophy
Convent - a place of retirement for women who wish for leisure to meditate upon the sin of idleness.
- Ambrose Bierce
Wish, Sin, Idleness, Leisure
Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught.
- Ambrose Bierce
Sports, Modern, Taught, Philosophy
Present, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope.
- Ambrose Bierce
Eternity, Part, Dividing, Present
Impartial - unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy.
- Ambrose Bierce
Unable, Side, Either, Controversy
Consult: To seek approval for a course of action already decided upon.
- Ambrose Bierce
Approval, Course, Decided, Consult
A person who doubts himself is like a man who would enlist in the ranks of his enemies and bear arms against himself. He makes his failure certain by himself being the first person to be convinced of it.
- Ambrose Bierce
Against, Like, Doubts, Enemies
Ambition. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.
- Ambrose Bierce
Desire, Living, Ridiculous, Enemies
Men become civilized, not in proportion to their willingness to believe, but in proportion to their readiness to doubt.
- Ambrose Bierce
Men, Civilized, Proportion, Willingness
Politeness, n: The most acceptable hypocrisy.
- Ambrose Bierce
Politeness, Most, Acceptable, Hypocrisy
Heaven lies about us in our infancy and the world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.
- Ambrose Bierce
World, Pretty, Begins, Heaven
Fork: An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth.
- Ambrose Bierce
Mouth, Fork, Putting, Chiefly
Success is the one unpardonable sin against our fellows.
- Ambrose Bierce
Success, Success Is, Against, Fellows
Historian - a broad-gauge gossip.
- Ambrose Bierce
Historian, Gossip
We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. They get run over.
- Ambrose Bierce
Road, Middle, Over, Happens
Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.
- Ambrose Bierce
Own, Absurdity, Statement, Opinion
Land: A part of the earth's surface, considered as property. The theory that land is property subject to private ownership and control is the foundation of modern society, and is eminently worthy of the superstructure.
- Ambrose Bierce
Surface, Private, Considered, Ownership
Abscond - to move in a mysterious way, commonly with the property of another.
- Ambrose Bierce
Mysterious, Another, Move, Commonly
Consul - in American politics, a person who having failed to secure an office from the people is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country.
- Ambrose Bierce
Politics, Country, Given, Failed
Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.
- Ambrose Bierce
Go, Litigation, Which, Machine
A man is known by the company he organizes.
- Ambrose Bierce
Man, He, Known, Company
Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.
- Ambrose Bierce
Nature, World, Occupying, Two-Thirds
Anoint, v.: To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery.
- Ambrose Bierce
King, Other, Sufficiently, Grease
Irreligion - the principal one of the great faiths of the world.
- Ambrose Bierce
Great, World, Principal, Faiths
Destiny: A tyrant's authority for crime and a fool's excuse for failure.
- Ambrose Bierce
Destiny, Fool, Excuse, Crime
Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.
- Ambrose Bierce
Love, Marriage, Temporary, Insanity
Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
- Ambrose Bierce
Admiration, Another, Polite, Resemblance
Revolution, n. In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.
- Ambrose Bierce
Change, Politics, Form, Abrupt
The hardest tumble a man can make is to fall over his own bluff.
- Ambrose Bierce
Fall, Over, His, Bluff
To be positive is to be mistaken at the top of one's voice.
- Ambrose Bierce
Positive, Voice, Top, Mistaken
Backbite. To speak of a man as you find him when he can't find you.
- Ambrose Bierce
Man, Him, Find, Speak
Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.
- Ambrose Bierce
Brain, Think, Which, Apparatus
Barometer, n.: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.
- Ambrose Bierce
Kind, Which, Having, Ingenious
The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling.
- Ambrose Bierce
Business, Looks, Known, Gambling
I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers. What I said was that all saloonkeepers are Democrats.
- Ambrose Bierce
Never, Said, Were, Democrats
War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.
- Ambrose Bierce
God, War, Geography, Teaching
Women in love are less ashamed than men. They have less to be ashamed of.
- Ambrose Bierce
Love, Women, Than, Ashamed
An egotist is a person of low taste - more interested in himself than in me.
- Ambrose Bierce
Person, Himself, Low, Taste
Doubt begins only at the last frontiers of what is possible.
- Ambrose Bierce
Only, Begins, Last, Frontiers
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
- Ambrose Bierce
Person, More, Than, Himself
Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent.
- Ambrose Bierce
Time, Hours, Mostly, Period
Dawn: When men of reason go to bed.
- Ambrose Bierce
Men, Reason, Go, Bed
Liberty: One of Imagination's most precious possessions.
- Ambrose Bierce
Precious, Possessions, Most, Liberty
The best thing to do with the best things in life is to give them up.
- Ambrose Bierce
Best, Things, Them, Give
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